"letting Go" In Therapy

[Laura 2]

@Pencil - yes! Socratic dialogue in practice! Excellent tools you're teaching your daughter. Thinking about it, behind many 'stupid questions' lurks abuse just waiting to pounce.

 

[StellaBlue]

Why do you ask so many questions?
Why do you ask so many stupid questions?

I love you @Pencil.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Pencil
You need to write a parenting book!!! Please

 

[bitterfight_]

@Laura 2, that's my fear. I don't need to continually be made to feel bad! That's insane. It's so wrong that we get asked why these things happen to us, and our brain tries to justify these sick people's actions, but it really is just crazy-making. In your own words, "it's just wrong to target others and abuse them, it causes terror and injury. That is all there is to it." amen. I didn't think I should have to explain my (I like the word persecutor! That's a good one and I hope you don't mind if I use it because I hate the word bully)'s actions because there is no justifying what they did. I'm not really comfortable voice recording appointments, but it's a great idea and I'm glad you use that to your advantage. I find using analogies my best tool, and I've used it countless times to explain things to people. He just didn't "get" it. Do you think I should email my psychiatrist, or email the CMHA, or who should I email? I have these options:

1. Continue with this social worker, suck it up, and hope for the best.
2. Email my psychiatrist from the hospital, ask what I should do / if I can be placed with someone else
3. Email the CMHA and ask them if they can set me up with a trauma therapist
4. Email my old T, ask to see her again, and stop seeing this current social worker.
5. Call the outpatient clinic where my social worker works, and ask to be placed with someone else.

The only issue with 2, and 5, is that my psychiatrist thinks very fondly of the social worker, and I don't like the psychiatrist either, so I'm not very fond of either of those options. Yeah I think he was just trying to understand why I cut, but it's inexplainable. I find only people who have experienced trauma (to some degree) understand why, but trying to explain it to someone who's never done it, or been through such trauma, it just can't be explained. I hate the letting go bs too. My last T avoided those words entirely, and was big on promoting dealing with what I have "now" and I really liked that approach more than trying to fix anything. It helped a lot. I like your 60 second thought exercise, but I don't know if it would work as much if I described being pushed down stairs, locked in a bathroom, and threatened to be beaten black and blue. My experiences involved a lot more of the physical aspect as well, so there's that too. It's a good idea nonetheless. I might incorporate it into a poem so that I can explain it to others better. Thank you so much for your input and advice. <3

@Pencil, you are very smart to teach this to your daughter at such a young age. I was taught this by my mother as well, and although he irritated me today, I used a bit of these counterproductive tactics too, like "why would I know why THEY bullied me?" which silenced him. But the worst was hearing him say "you sound pretty traumatized by this", because it really irritated me. He just sounds like he doesn't want to admit that I have PTSD, even though I've been professionally diagnosed - twice. I can't even go into it because it just makes me so angry. Thank you for the practice dialogue though, I'm going to use them!! <3

 

[Pencil]

"you sound pretty traumatized by this"

I just hate those Active Listening 101 remarks that only understate the glaringly obvious.

even though I've been professionally diagnosed - twice

You keep on justifying yourself - which is what such invalidating responses do. This is what is damaging. Don't fall into the trap of feeling you have to justify yourself to yourself.

Slap him, I say. Then go through steps 2 - 5.

 

[The Albatross]

A bit surprised by the responses, it is a fair question to be asked. There are any number of responses to the question without feeling as if you have to "justify yourself". It is worthy of a conversation. Slapping somebody (metaphorically), or discontinuing solves really nothing. Have the conversation in the next session.

 

[Laura 2]

Do you think I should email my psychiatrist, or email the CMHA, or who should I email? I have these options:

Well, I believe the consensus here is that you definitely should not see the social worker chap again. So that's #1 off the list, for starters.

You know the lie of the land best obviously, but you know what...? I think I'd do all 4 of the other options on your list. Most of the services I've encountered seem to have a rudimentary acceptance these days that sometimes people just do not hit it off. But I'd have ready a 3 or 4 point short list of more specific reasons why I want to change if any of them ask me.

Yes, 'persecutor' is a term used by one therapist I saw. I think it's better than 'bully' which makes the crime sound like some minor playground scuffling. Thus one's suffering is diminished. And anyway, no one really does anything to stop bullies either.

It's dreadful to my mind that I've encountered so many blame-the-victim type responses (from making you feel like you're an inconvenience to full-on sheer horrific judgement) from all sorts of services.

I know what you mean about voice recording - it somehow doesn't feel so comfortable. But, it's a helluva lot less comfortable when your therapist is abusing you and you can't prove it and everyone's trying to tell you (because you're 'mentally ill' so, of course, you're imagining things...) that it hasn't happened.

In fact, I started recording during the time I was being abused by a therapist, completely by accident. I'd just left the device running from some previous activities. The recordings were the only thing that made any difference and saved me from being cast as a complete loon as what I was reporting of the therapist's behaviour was sooooo off-the-wall and extremely wrong.

Since then, I've found that recording everything has had a beneficial effect. I don't ever have to listen back to the recordings unless I forget something important or if there's something seriously wrong. But when professionals know that they're being recorded they are definitely better behaved. So things can go quite a bit better. (And it's now good practice, and mandatory in training, for therapists to record their sessions.)

 

[Laura 2]

A bit surprised by the responses, it is a fair question to be asked. There are any number of responses to the question without feeling as if you have to "justify yourself".

@The Albatross May I ask why did your abusers abuse/rape you? (You have 20 seconds to answer because I've got a long list of questions and we only have 50 minutes and I want to concentrate on practicing my Active Listening 101 and Hiding My Lackof Skills on you)

 

[bitterfight_]

I just hate those Active Listening 101 remarks that only understate the glaringly obvious.

As do I. It's irritating because it's like, well you go through what I went through, and then tell me how you feel.

A bit surprised by the responses, it is a fair question to be asked

I don't understand how it's a "fair" question to be asked, at all. Nobody would ask this to a rape victim, or a soldier, or an abuse victim, but yet it's acceptable to ask that to someone who has been bullied? It's very undermining. He's saying "you sound really traumatized by this..." which to me, and I would think any sane person, sounds like he's insinuating that most people wouldn't be traumatized by such an experience. It's like asking someone if they liked it. You wouldn't ask that to someone with trauma, but yet it's justified because I'm a bully victim? I just don't understand this type of 'logic', especially when he interrupted me when I tried to explain why I felt traumatized.

Slapping somebody (metaphorically), or discontinuing solves really nothing.

I agree with your view on slapping, but you suggest that I bring it up, again, as I already did, and continue to be invalidated? I'm sorry, but I'm not game for that. At all.

@Laura 2, yes I'm going to do a number of these, and list why. You've helped a lot, thank you. I really like persecutor, because I find bully makes it seem like a fluff thing that should be ignored. Bullying is abuse. It's as simple as that. Pushing, shoving, hitting, tripping, spitting, and name-calling wouldn't be okay in a domestic partnership, and yet it's considered acceptable if it's just a peer of someone? I find this idea revolting. Bully victims are supposed to just "get over it", but then we all cry and feel horrible when one of them commits suicide from the abuse. It's ridiculous. Yes, thankfully I don't have as much experience with those types of people, and I'm sorry to hear you have. The voice recording is a smart idea, indefinitely, and I can see why you would use it, but it's definitely not for me.

May I ask why did your abusers abuse/rape you? (You have 20 seconds to answer because I've got a long list of questions and we only have 50 minutes and I want to concentrate on practicing my Active Listening 101 and Hiding My Lackof Skills on you)

^That.

 

[Sarah2732]

@Sarah2732, he actually said "letting go" not "letting him go" but it's sort of the same thing given my trauma and situations. .... . This guy just seems really against treating that and I feel like he's dancing around the issues. I'm so angry right now.. I just feel so invalidated.[/QUOTE]

Whoops. Sorry. I mean't "How about letting HIM go" as a great response to any T who would suggest simply letting go as a primary course of action. Sorry for my miscommunication!

You WERE invalidated and totally have a right to be angry... please don't give him the opportunity to trigger/invalidate/otherwise harm you any further.

 

[Pencil]

Bullying is abuse.

Of course it is. This is the problem with sibling abuse as well. It's not taken seriously, while it is as devastating as parental abuse. More about this later - I have a deadline to attend to.

Civilized, sane people don't slap, and therefore the mere suggestion is always met with shocked laughter - and that takes a bit of the sting out of situations. But your social worker is an ass when it comes to trauma (he might be great on a practical level - which is where social workers are needed) and I don't think any amount of talking or explaining or resolving will get you the help you need. There's a wonderful expression in Russian, which should exist in English, which goes: 'No pie from this flour'. Not all flour types can be used for puff pastry. If the consensus on this forum is that you need a specialist (psychologist) for trauma, why should you settle for a social worker who is clearly out of his depth? Why do battle with him to get you? Naah.

 

[bitterfight_]

@Sarah2732, ohhhhh alright. :) It's okay haha, and yes, I'm not returning, I've decided on that. I plan on emailing my psychiatrist and asking to be placed with someone else, and if not, I will be returning to my old trauma therapist, even if I only get 30 minute sessions with her because I can't afford it. She was way more helpful than he was. Thanks for the support and input <3

@Pencil, exactly. It really irritates me when anyone invalidates anyone when it comes to abuse, because it's clearly defined in the dictionary. Anyone who says otherwise and tries to paint it as something different is just, I don't even have words for it. Hahah alright well I appreciate your input. That's suggestion and the response it evokes is eye-opening in itself. It definitely took the sting out of it for me. I just found this social worker very rigid in his approach. It's hard for me to explain it to him, because 1. I don't think he's experienced in trauma at all, and 2. I don't think he wants to acknowledge that I have PTSD because of my GP's short "Generalized Anxiety with depressive episodes and anger outbursts" thing she sent him (which is idiotic because, as I've said before, I've been diagnosed 2 other times). In response to your expression of "No pie from this flour", that's an amazing analogy, and it does make sense.. Anyways, after consulting with a friend of mine, she agrees as well that I need to keep myself safe and validated, so I'm returning to my yoga at my old trauma therapist's office, and I'm emailing my psychiatrist to see if I can be placed with an experienced trauma therapist. If not, I always have my old trauma therapist, and even though things ended kinda badly with her, I'm sure we can mend them.

Thank you so much for your advice everyone <3