Relationship Letting My Husband Go...

[Lost Again]

I love my husband. We have a 2 month old son and he is step father to my 6 year old daughter. I have supported him throughout his diagnosis and treatment for PTSD. He is working really hard to overcome PTSD, going to individual therapy twice a week and support groups 2-3 evenings a week. I know he loves me and tries really hard to make my life as happy as possible but....

I think I'm starting to get depressed. I think it’s exhaustion from the whirlwind of vile and angry outbursts towards me or my family or his family, from the degrading names he calls me in his fits of rage, his jealousy and insecurity, his demandingness, and how the world revolves around his condition. It’s hard to maintain a social life because he either feels excluded or flips out if any plans change. He’s too hard on my daughter. He’s so down on himself and frustrated. I just have no control over when he’s gonna get upset and he gets upset constantly and ruins the day. He embarrasses me when he loses control of his anger. Two days ago he lost it picking up my daughter from her dad’s and started screaming in the street and it really really embarrassed me. And then he went on a tirade in the car in front of her calling her father every name in the book.

I told him when we first met I didn’t accept swearing in my house or in front of my kids and while he doesn’t like it either, when he’s upset, all hell breaks loose. I'm not raising my kids the way I feel I should, because his PTSD is causing havoc.

I know as PTSD supporters we need to establish boundaries and PTSD is no excuse for abuse. What do we do when the sufferer agrees with our boundaries when they are not having an episode but stomps all over them during an episode and then feels horrible after?

When he’s not upset he is a really great person and I care about him greatly. And raising babies and maintaining a household is no picnic alone. I don’t want to break up with him but I’m starting to feel that there’s no point bringing him back home after an episode anymore :(

 

[AlterEgo]

Being on the other end of this issue, I can't say I understand from your point of view. I can say there have been many times I wish my wife would leave me, only because I don't think I am being fair by making her miserable. I told he she has a right to be happy and go places like normal people. Although I have never called her names or lashed out at her, she still goes through my secluded, don't talk to anyone, phases.

I honestly don't know how I would react if she really did leave me. It sucks you have to be in this predicament but you and your kids also have a right to be happy and at peace.

 

[BonnieSQL]

Hi Maybe, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine what it's like for you when trying to balance wanting to be there for your husband, and your right to feel safe in your home and with your kids. Do you think something like couple's therapy would help? Maybe since all the work he's doing is for himself, he's not focusing a lot on managing his troubles as they relate to how he behaves with his family. When my moods and things get out of control I learned from an early age to take things out on myself, so I don't know what it's like for your husband of course, but maybe it's worth a shot to go to someone who can help you as a unit to deal with it. Have his endeavors in therapy and such produced any real changes? Would you consider going to therapy just to learn how to deal with him when he gets upset? Because one thing that's at work here, to me, is the need to learn to set up a "wall" between you and him when he gets upset so you're not reacting emotionally to his outbursts. Though I understand that constant exposure to him when he's like that would be hard to handle even with said wall.

 

[nursenurse]

What are your consequences for your boundaries? They have to be real, and easily done. Tell him in a normal conversation that if he behaves in a verbally abusive manner, that you will remove yourself and your children from the situation immediately. Then do it. Go to Mom's, go to friend's, hit a hotel with a pool for a night, anything to get you out of harm's way. Make no mistake that verbal abuse, and emotional abuse are just as harmful as physical abuse. What is he doing to stop the cycle? You are between a rock and a hard place, but when your children are verbally and emotionally battered, and there is no sign of it stopping, you need to rethink your priorities. By staying in a situation that is not being addressed and proves time and time again to be damaging not only to your psyche, but to those of your children, you show the children that they can become emotional punching bags, and that it is okay.

Maybe he needs anger management. Maybe you need joint counselling so that these things can be addressed. You need to protect you and the kids first, and as hard as it may be, you may have to let go if he doesn't do everything he can possibly do to harness his anger. Sometimes a temporary split works while thy focus on getting themselves emotionally healthy. And sadly, sometimes a permanent split is the only way to protect you and your kids.

Set your consequences, and stick with them. Leave for a few hours. leave for the night, whatever, until he gets a hold of himself. Ultimately you re the only one who can decide what you can tolerate.

 

[p-no]

Hi Maybe,

Please don't ever dismiss those episodes; they are real and they happen and they hurt like hell. There was a time when I thought about leaving my now ex-husband and thought "now or never". I took myself a bit too serious on that one and stayed for several years to come, ending up losing me.

Second thing that came up when I read your post is: Have you considered living apart but not ending the relationship with him? That did help a great deal with me and the space made it possible for me to find joy again and I even *wanted* to see him again and when we were together when we were, things were good. Just a thought.

 

[Lost Again]

We periodically go to couples counselling, which is helpful and we are on the same page with what we want and expect until he gets an episode. He has chronic pain so in the past episode, underlying the situation was that the baby had been crying alot and he had a splitting headache which is terrible but the rest of us should not have to be emotionally abused as a consequence.

For me, degrading my daughter's world was a boundary he had never crossed until two days ago. Degrading me has been tolerable privately because I know it's not him but the PTSD but now I'm starting to grow weary.

He does remove himself from the situation which is great. The pattern is usually i try to let him now he doesn't need to leave or I go get him at his mother's the next day. But this time, I just kept telling him to 'stop talking' and he was trying to, but couldn't. When we reached home, i took the kids upstairs with me and let him leave and haven't gone and got him since.

I'm sick of it.

 

[diana123]

Dear Maybe,
I am going through the same thing, I had tears in my eyes because I know how frustrating it is to be on the receiving end of this madness. I have been hit, I have been called every demeaning word (stinky, ugly, fat, selfish, nit picky, a liar, a husband killer, etc.) he can think of when he is lashing out at me. He announced last month that he was leaving Germany and going back to Texas (where his children are) because he is tired of me not respecting his space. He never leaves the house, never leaves the room, and keeps the headphones on the entire time I am in the room.

He got out of the Army in March and has been spiralling downward ever since. I'm stuck in Germany because I am still active duty. Being active duty, I thought I had an idea of how to be supportive but I was told, "You can NEVER understand what I have been through." He leaves on Saturday and I am heart broken. I have so much anger but I am also afraid he will disappear and never face the issue. He refuses to go to counselling. He refuses to talk to me. And I have just about given up. Every time I say something, he finds fault and I can never say the right thing. I feel like I am the cause of his misery. I am hating life now and I am desperate. I know when he leaves, he's not coming back.

Diana123

 

[Sunshine71]

I can really empathize with you Maybe - our situation sounds similar.

I am worried for my son too - he is a mirror to his daddy and just shouts back which makes hubby even more stressed. I look back and know that we dont do much as family as when we do its a nightmare - Its easier to just be with my son. Not the ideal answer but we have to protect ourselves and our kids.

Hubby does shout but never called us names. Its heart breaking and I wish you love and hugs

Sunshinex

 

[Lost Again]

Hi all,

Well he ended up saying that the household is too demanding for him and we went to talk to his therapist who said she has told him already that he can't take on so much responsibility and he is just not capable of meeting me half way with the kids and house. He says he prefers to just come and visit and he is sleeping sometimes at his mom's, his car, or random parks. I listened to what his therapist said and as hard as it was for me to accept that I am doing this alone, I gave him his space and said I would do everything and he can come visit when he feels like it. Deep down inside i feel a bit resentful and I'm so tired of living a self less life. This wasn't the deal I signed up for.

Last week we went back to the therapist and he told her that I gave him his space and that he hasn't been living at the house but he still feels frustrated and extremely angry. He asked to go away but is upset with me for not asking him to come back. He makes implications that I am moving on with other men (not true and a little annoying since I am solely taking care of our 3 month old son). Any way I turn he is upset with me. The therapist asked him if he wanted my permission to leave me and he said yes, and as sad as it felt I said ok. She said that what was best was for us to live separately and then all the sudden he started crying and left the office. He hasn't returned my calls or texts.

My last text to him said if he didn't respond, I wouldn't text him again. And that's where we are. And now I'm thinking maybe the best thing for me would be to change location for a month or so. Summer vacation just started and I have nothing holding me in this city. I'm afraid to just sit here wondering if he's gonna come by and going around in circles of angry outbursts and reconciliations. I want to live my life not just be a sidekick in his drama. I want to take my kids on an adventure although I'm not sure how well I would handle them all by myself but I'm all by myself now anyways. But I'm also afraid to go, that he will blow up and accuse me of changing cities so I can meet a new man or that I won't really like it. Or that it's not a good decision for our marriage.

 

[Lost Again]

Diane123: Did he leave Germany? How are you?? Thank you Sunshine71 for the empathy

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My last text to him said if he didn't respond, I wouldn't text him again.

I think this was a bit manipulative. Not a good ending point IMHO.

 

[HelloMo80]

Ayesha, what do you mean by it was manipulative? Or her part or on his? No judgement. Just asking because I was a bit confused.

Anyhow, are you dating my ex by chance? Lol. Seriously, what y'all are going through sounds EXACTLY like what I went through and to some degree am still going through. A few things that have helped me stay sane and calm in the madness are: 1) individual therapy. It works wonders; 2) outlets...be it going to a bookstore, taking a long drive by myself, listening to gospel music on blast while I clean. Just simple things to make my day brighter and; 3) this book called "stop walking on eggshells."

I got that book because many of the PTSD symptoms my on/off guy has manifest themselves as borderline personality disorder traits. It sounds similar to what you all are experiencing. For me, at the very least the book helps me control my communication with him and gives me a framework for how to minimize (as in 'not escalate', not in the 'make light of' type way) situations. He's refused to talk to me, saying I'm a liar and a cheater (neither is true), and instead of defending myself like I always did, I just said he was entitled to his opinion, and so am I. I let him know that I do not feel my actions of just living my life are untrustworthy and I am not doing anything that is untrustworthy, but sorry he thinks otherwise.

What happens now is a matter of letting him cycle down. But, I'm standing my ground in my consequences for his last month long rage at me where I was criticized for damn near everything under the sun. I promise if I breathed wrong into the phone I was trash. Lol. It's not funny...but it is.

Y'all ladies need start enforcing your boundaries. They are YOUR boundaries for a reason. He has the choice to railroad them if he wants to, but YOU have the choice to enforce consequences for such behavior. You're not a passenger in this madness without access to the driver's seat. It's not about control, but it is about health and wellness for your sanity and your family. If he's already agreed to boundaries and he disregards them during the middle of a rage, that does not mean that you just through your limits out the window until he returns to calm. Why would he stop treating you the way he does if he sees no downside to his behavior through the enforcement of boundaries? That is NOT to say it's your fault, because it's not. How he chooses to react to you in his bad moments are HIS choices. How you choose to enforce your limits are YOUR choices.

Good luck!