Letting Out Inner Pain

[Deleted member 34328]

Well, it is what it is. I'll never forget for sure, but it won't always be so raw. Plus, a lot of the coping tools you suggested have been used and almost become second nature to me.

I guess I just never thought about applying them to this. This scares me since I've never experienced it before and I know that self-harm could happen. I just never considered it happening to me. Silly to think that. I struggled with suicide ideation a year or so after it happened.

I really do appreciate all you can offer. I guess I feel not so alone.

Your input @Llith is reasurring. I know others struggle with this - which is why I started the thread in the first place. Yes, I'm trying hard to fight it. I am trying to distract myself. Warning me about how addictive it can be is a first as well. New territory, but I'm glad someone else is fighting it too.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

In a quiet moment alone, could you draw your hand with the scratches. Then do whatever you want to the picture from there? Maybe I will try that tonight. I will draw myself, and then see where the pencil takes me. I keep wanting to feel pain today. This is after a day of numb.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

You might be right. I'm a little afraid of what my pencil might do.

My drawings do tend to take on a life of their own. As long as it stays on the paper.

 

[Sweet_E]

Well, it is what it is. I'll never forget for sure, but it won't always be so raw. Plus, a lot of the...

You seem like a very well-adjusted person for what you've been through and it seems like you really care about taking care of yourself and doing the right thing for your healing. You're a very conscientious PTSD survivor! Being like that, it's understandable that you would find this new development scary. PTSD does have a way of throwing us surprises and curveballs!

As an example of a recent curveball, for the first time, physical therapy became a trigger last week. I love physical therapy and never had an issue with it before. A slight pain in my arm while doing an exercise triggered me into uncontrollable crying. After the dust settled I thought to myself, "Really? Something I usually love is a trigger now?" Now I know I need do a self-assessment before PT and see if I need to do grounding. But then the next time I went, they were super busy (which would increase the likelihood I'd get triggered because they can't hold my hand, so to speak, as much). However, I did great in PT!

I share that story to say, yeah, it sucks that this new development is happening for you. I'd be scared too. But I have faith you can handle it. It may even turn around. You seem like you have lots of skills, self-awareness, resourcefulness and intuition. I think you can definitely beat it.

Something else that helps me, that I'll share is to attribute some sort of meaning to your suffering. For me, I want to help other people who have PTSD. I am working on a project that I think will help people in general with stress-management, but also for people with PTSD. So when I get one of those curveballs I think, "I bet this will help me learn how to help other people with PTSD."

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I have to say, I'm very touched by your standing by me over the last day and today. It definitely means a lot and I appreciate it so very much @Sweet_E .

I have implemented some of your suggestions. I did wear a glove to avoid being able to see the scratches yesterday as well as not trying to take the rabbit out to avoid any new blood.

You're right in that I want to heal and someday be a help to others. Struggling with this will enable me to identify with others who are also fighting this particular battle. I hadn't thought of that.

It really is a fight though. I will admit that there is a part of me that is disappointed that my rabbit didn't scratch today.

I am always careful about handling her so as to cause her the least stress possible. Also to help encourage better behavior, so I am not doing anything to encourage her scratches. It's very painful when she does.

I have a special rock that I carry around in my pocket all the time as a grounding tool. I'm holding on to it today in the hand that was bleeding. I'm hoping that when the urge becomes overwhelming, the rock will help.

I also told the one other person who knows all about my PTSD about this and asked her for accountability. She takes these things very seriously. She's also my greatest champion when a success is achieved.

So I do hope this will be short lived.

 

[Sweet_E]

It means so much that I've helped in some way. You are so welcome!

I may have mentioned this before but I admire your honesty with yourself and others when you acknowledge those urges. I'm sorry you have to go through it but you are rocking it in your journey!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thanks so much @Sweet_E You are a great help. I needed help and you were a big support. I appreciate that very much.

I've been ok for the last couple of days. The bunny has been out again and yes, go another nasty gash (she's a character), but it didn't have the same effect this time. Maybe it was short lived this time. When it's a temptation though, it's huge. I never realized just how much of a fight it really is. I can see why it becomes an addiction.

Thanks again for checking in.

 

[Sweet_E]

So glad you're working through it! Hopefully, you figure out how to process those urges. That seems really annoying to deal with!

 

[EmmaOwl]

I'm a little afraid of what my pencil might do.

Perhaps a red marker with a broad tip. A pen or pencil would be terrible for me, too.