Long Road, No End In Sight

[Lady of Longbourn]

Aaron-

I can testify about the sleep problems you were mentioning. It is 4:40 in the morning here, and I have been awake for about an hour. 30 minutes of that was in bed trying to go back to sleep, knowing it would not happen. I dislike not being able to sleep; and at the same time sleep scares me. I find nightmares to be more intense then everyday thinking. And I've been having a lot of nightmares nowadays. I finally gave up and make coffee, and prayed. Start my day, no use fighting it.

About the small things- I felt that today. I visited a friend of mine, who has 3 little boys. 8, 4 and 1 years old. The 4 year old is crazy about me and follows me around like a puppy. He also calls me "Sher-khan's mommy" sher-khan is a cat. lol . The kids were raising my anxiety like no other. I had to keep reminding myself that no one else was freaking out over small things. The store we went to before that was worse. It was really busy, and I was snapping at my husband for no reason. And finding him annoying...it wasn't until after I left the store did I realize I didn't find him annoying, I was stressed because of the store. I've never really thought about driving in the sense you do. Maybe like the crowed store, I failed to see it as a stresser. But now that you said it, I have more anxiety over it then I realized. It isn't until I drag myself out of my comfort zone, and into the real world do I completely understand anxiety.

I feel I need to protect my husband and me, and who ever is with us. I watch everything, everyone. I can tell you what people were wearing, what they looked like, any weird things I noticed about them. If I didn't like there vibe...If they looked hostile. Cars, colors, noises,talking, languages. I watch children even more. I check for bruises, happy faces, and the way they are being treated. I see them as innocent and pure, and watch them like they are my own. The list goes on...

One good thing about PTSD is how the symptoms will be similar. So no matter what you experiences, another person with PTSD can understand why, and how it feels like.They can relate. For you it was a car accident, for me it was being raped repeatedly...despite our trauma, our age, race, religion and background..at least we have each other to talk too!

Aaron, I hope I did not offend you with saying salaam.

Peace,
Ayesha

 

[dhawkins78412]

Hi Aaron-As the others I suffer from physical pain. I have neck and back pain which is osteoarthritis; getting older. I take pain med every day. Going without it isn't practicle. I gather you're PTSD is from a car accident. I've not been in a serious car accident. But I do know what PTSD feels like.

I'm sorry it was from a cell phone user. I use my cell phone occasionally while driving, but not very often. My PTSD is from another trauma and I suffer bodily pain almost daily. How much is psychological I don't know.

You're gonna do crazy things. Sometimes they're based on your thoughts and fears. One example is when my fiance and I fight I want to leave. I tell him I'm leaving him. Inside I'll feel so angry(I have a rage issue, which is bad) or frustrated or trapped. I'll be so upset my head is spinning. Then we talk about it and work it out.

I also have panic attacks. Almost on a daily basis at various degrees. Then there's the big one where I feel I'm gonna lose it, I'm not in control and/or I'm gonna die. I've had them at work,once or twice. Imagine explaining that to the boss. She has her own stress issues so she understands. And I found out many people at my work are on antidepressants/anxiety meds, etc.

Anyway just wanted to let you know there are others out here who share the same issues you do.

 

[Ogiers]

Hi friends, thank you for your feedback and responses. I tried many examples from the pain medication families guided by the pain clinic at a major hospital for over 2 years (anti-depressants, opiates, lyrica, analgesics, etc...) along with trigger point injections and fluoroscopic pain blocks. In parallel, I've tried many alternative treatments, from hydrotherapy and acupuncture to cold laser and reflexology, to iyengar yoga. All in all, the treatments made things worse or at best improved nothing. The pain meds had horrid side effects and failed to completely manage the pain at any point.

So many things are going wrong after a lifetime of handily managing challenges. I don't even feel I can deal with typing them out, but suffice it to say that if you look at the "life event" list, we've got 4 or 5 of the top 6 covered these past few months.

The good news is that after the Doc was away for several weeks I have my first trauma therapy appointment in three weeks on the morrow. Unfortunately the pain increase I have to deal with for the 2+ hours of round trip driving, even in a cab with the seat tilted back and my special neck pillow makes the price extremely high.

Things are insane at home, with my wife locking out the children (due to their) fighting and going nuts and/or crying/banging on the bedroom door. So they call me at the "basement office," which makes staying here mandatory. So while I separate myself from the craziness I am blessed to feel the horrid guilt of not being there for everyone. I guess if we had boring normal children, things would be easier. Instead we are fortunate to have really bright ones, some of whom have (in no particular order) ADD, ADHD, SID and ODD. Hehe - if given the choice, would I trade having children that aren't at the top of their classes (or capable of getting there after a few years of OT or simply spending extra time reading with them), utterly creative in their mischief, and weren't doing everything from writing 5 page guides for their classmates of their own initiative, assisting single mothers with their kids (anything but helping their own parents), tutoring children who are new to the language or are having difficulties with course materials, running camps for working parents' children during summer and holidays, etc... while simultaneously teasing and taking each others' toys and/or money, going graffiti nuts on the walls and doors, screaming at each other and at me about each other.

The lease is up in a few days and the landlord won't allow us an early termination clause in a new contract, and we can't stay on an upper story apartment floor as I can't manage the stairs. So let's see, we're simultaneously looking for a new place to live, about to have a baby, waiting for the lawyers and insurance company to settle so I can get out of insane debt and have some buffer to alleviate the pressure of supporting everyone... I'm sure I left something out. But hey, if I didn't have this horrible ever-present pain in my neck and shoulder and PTSD to ensure that my thoughts are constantly flying and that dealing with everyone is becoming harder even as I learn about where my issues have come from and what really happened for the past 41 years... things would be PEACHY!

Okies, deep thought for the day: Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

Good health to everyone. I hope that tomorrow brings improvements for all of us!
Aaron

 

[anni]

Hi Aaron,

You still seem to be making sense in posts despite the chaos. It's nice to read that there's an awful lot of love and pride in your descriptions of your children, albeit while they're driving you crazy and of course not at all helping with the pain and symptoms.

I have some of those bright typs in the gene pool. It missed me somehow, but I have them at both ends. I'm spending the week with the 80 year old ADD life-overacheiver in and out of the hospital and he's been as exhausting for me as his daughter as I'm sure he was for his mother 70 years ago. I just packed the 11 year old off to school, but the good news is that the 28 year old married a lovely girl who figured out many years ago how to torque all that IQ and energy into forward momentum. I can brag because I didn't do it-they did. I just dye all the gray hair he gave me blond and remind him of it once in awhile.

I'm sure all this isn't all that helpful, but thought I'd reply at least with some recognition. I also always wondered who the ants-in-the-pants person was at parties who is always cleaning up the crumpled napkins, so thanks for clearing that up!

Keep taking care,

Anni

 

[James B.]

Hi Aaron,
seems like you've really done a lot of research on the radial pain.
I am beginning to appreciate - now that I am free of sciatica - how badly it was beating up my brain. Hard for folks to understand; they see a tanned slim 52 year old guy, I look "normal" not like someone ready to go to the ER for pain killer injections. A medication I used, for nerve pain/anxiety, is Neurontin 300mg x1 day, then added another 300mg 8 hrs later.
Its a fairly mild mood stabilizer that helped me from being driven completely nuts from nerve pain. Full on pain killers scare me too much :-)

I am with you on the driving thing, and people (idiots) following too close, have been rear ended 3 times, once serious, no injuries but it totaled my Subaru. Still spooks me when they get right on my bumper, hate it.

I am going to confess I am not a religiously affiliated person, but now I pray to god every day, and will say a prayer for you too, man. I sincerely hope you find something to help get that radial pain out of your life.

sincerely,
James B.

 

[dhawkins78412]

I like your quote-funny.