Lots Of Anger, Then Understanding

[WillyKat]

I've had a lot of anger issues the past several days. It only abated yesterday when I had a flash of insight and understood where it was coming from.

Some background: most of my issues, especially anger, stem from my caregivers not protecting me from the perpetrator that lived across the road. As a rational, highly-educated adult, I didn't blame them for not understanding what was going on, but the little boy inside was very hurt and enraged.

On Saturday, my mother told me of a relative that was just arrested for sexually abusing a young girl. (We don't know any other details.) Now he faced similar charges several years ago, but was acquitted. One of the things that my mother said is how she hoped it wasn't true and that because of other factors I won't bother to mention, it could be that the girl is being used by another adult and that there's no truth to it. She then went on to tell me of a case where she was on a grand jury. My mother complained that the plaintiff, a young girl, when she was testifying was twirling her hair and always looking at a man in the back of the courtroom. My mother's interpretation, as well as the rest of the grand jury, was that the man was coaching her or something. My mother was critical of the girl twirling her hair and...well acting like a young girl! You can't make this crap up.

So I spent the rest of the long weekend with a lot of anger at several things, which lasted until yesterday. I realized that I wasn't really angry at the other things; I was angry at my mother's attitude. She didn't believe the girl on the witness stand, and didn't even see the possibility the the girl was being threatened by the guy in the back of the court and the hair twirling was a sign of stress. Now she thinks the girl at the center of my relative's case might be just a tool of another adult. In other words, she simply doesn't believe! Upon realizing this, my anger level dropped from about a 9 to maybe 3. I'm still angry but its at a more intellectual level and am not feeling every muscle tightened and ready to smash something. I guess that's progress.

All this makes me wonder about how she felt on the day I was molested and there was an obvious sign that something bad had happened, and that for the next three years I was threatened by the perp, and there were signs of that too--all ignored. I'm thinking now it's not just related to my family's intelligence level, but their attitude as well. At least I know what I'll be talking to my T about this afternoon.

 

[ghotiff]

That is so intense!

Your mother seems to need to hide in her bubble of denial. I think mine does to.

I wish I could think of something useful to say, but I just can't. ...

Thanks so much for sharing, there are soo many parallels there for me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Behind each set of eyes, can rest another world.
I never could build, that bridge across my mother's denial. Her world had a silent part to play.
But with time (& dedicated therapy), I can offer that her validation or lack- no longer matters.

Anger can be a good sign...that we are now protecting us, that we will declare it unjust ...and that we will heal that inner part of us by soothing that inner frightened child. Fear, betrayal of trust will be defeated and our hearts rescued by our own fierce determination.

In time, embrace the tears, allow your grieving over the innocence lost. Your therapy & self-validation will heal you...as you re-parent yourself with the love and spirituality you deserve.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm hoping I get to that point too. It comes and goes. I bounce back and forth between needing and not needing, or to be more specific, I start getting angry and it takes a while for the rational voice to come along and for me to realize it's not going to happen and I don't need it to happen.

I'm trying to be patient. I'm fighting against nearly half a century of programming and it takes some serious work to undo all that.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I'm trying to be patient. I'm fighting against nearly half a century of programming and it takes some serious work to undo all that.

I can empathize with your primal scream. It is a force of nature and of God (or the higher power that you may believe in). There becomes this feeling (when I meet someone in person), of the area that is healing and the familiarity of the scar. I have recognized from deep within their song in their heart...I have 'mothered' many students and gave them the validation of their pain from someone else's eyes. It freed me through service...as it became a tool to free others.

I sense that in you, a quiet storm of hope for others in ways they can not put their fingers on. There is no hurry ever to be something or someone else. You are more than enough in the moment and I am glad to have met with you. Peace in your journey of healing and acceptance.

 

[WillyKat]

@Recovery4Me, thanks so much for that beautiful thought. I really needed that right now.

Sometimes it feels like that my hope for others is resented because they don't understand it. Like this morning until a few minutes ago. Listening to some Pink Floyd on the way into work and seeing your note has begun the lift out of the crap bucket I was finding myself in.

Thanks!

 

[BlueOcean]

@WillyKat I'm glad you had such great insight!! Those moments bring such relief.

My anger toward my mother has decreased with time. She's soo caught up in her own stress of never seeking help for all the physical abuse done to her as a child. She has only hinted that she was abused. Never talks of her past or mine. She always lived for chaos. Never would settle down to process anything while I was growing up. Still doesn't..

 

[WillyKat]

With my mother, I wonder what her story is. She never talks about anything truly personal; it's always just superficial stuff.

She's very old now and I feel that confronting her about what she knew or didn't might be both her undoing and mine. I suspect it will be pointless if not counterproductive.

 

[xena21]

wow...anger is so intense. I am always so angry about my childhood. I always thought my Mom was my only protector, and I still think she was the closest to it. She says she never heard me when I told her that I was being abused...so I let it go. Then she let him live with us again.

The thing was that was my cousin. Her father had already abused me for 11 years. She did hear me about that, so I believe her. Maybe people can only take so much? Their brains can't fathom what other people can do to their children. I don't think my Mom believed it was possible for both her Father and nephew to rape her daughter.

I have always forgiven my Mom for that, because she was the only clear safety net I had. My Grandmother on the other hand was evil, and I wish I had confronted her. She watched as I was abused. She knew everything that was going on and wouldn't let me leave the house. When I wanted to confront her everyone said she was too old and dying. I shouldn't have listened to them, but I did. I feel guilty now. I wish I had the chance to tell her how evil she was.

 

[BlueOcean]

@WillyKat Sounds exactly like my mother!

 

[WillyKat]

@xena21, I think our capacity for forgiveness is based on the fact that maybe they dissociated at the mere thought of it, or maybe they were abused too at some point and the fear, guilt, shame made them the perfect bystanders.

 

[xena21]

maybe they were abused too at some point and the fear, guilt, shame made them the perfect bystanders.

I would go along with bystander if that's all she was, but my grandmother actually sent me into him. I would run away and ask for help. I knew when she was leaving and going to the store and I would scream for her to take me with her. She would yell at me to get back inside where she knew I would be abused again.