Managing Boundaries and Dealing with Disrespectful Behavior

[Defaultxlove]

Sounds to me that the situation is externally resolved but left a bad taste. Do you feel bad for not being able to move past it?

it seems you have misunderstood the timeline of things.

had they left me alone after that I wouldn't be here.

 

[Defaultxlove]

well really..now putting it all together I am here because I responded and they disrespected again a month later

and then I go back to feeling bad for them. so Idk - this is why I am asking for help

what can I do now? Its not like they are harassing me but I dont feel prepared for when I might see them or they contact me

 

[Movingforward10]

It’s great they apologised. But it sounds like that isn’t enough. That you want space, and perhaps want the relationship to be less than what they want?

is It worth remembering you aren’t obliged to respond when they make contact?
whilst they are going through things, you don’t need to be part Of that if you don’t want to. What I mean by that is that you can hold compassion for someone without being active in a relationship?

maybe Just keep it light with the person? A softer version of ghosting? respond when you’re ready and keep it general and a bit vague?

 

[Workingonit]

well really..now putting it all together I am here because I responded and they disrespected again a month later

and then I go back to feeling bad for them. so Idk - this is why I am asking for help

what can I do now? Its not like they are harassing me but I dont feel prepared for when I might see them or they contact me

Ya i missed the part where it happened again. The only way I know how to help is to get you to talk about it. I've always been the type to bottle everything up and I've found talking about things help me alot. It also helps to know I'm not the only one struggling with these things.

It’s great they apologised. But it sounds like that isn’t enough. That you want space, and perhaps want the relationship to be less than what they want?

is It worth remembering you aren’t obliged to respond when they make contact?
whilst they are going through things, you don’t need to be part Of that if you don’t want to. What I mean by that is that you can hold compassion for someone without being active in a relationship?

maybe Just keep it light with the person? A softer version of ghosting? respond when you’re ready and keep it general and a bit vague?

This seems like good advice.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I appreciate all the responses @Workingonit

is It worth remembering you aren’t obliged to respond when they make contact?

yes..but for some reason my heart doesnt care. my heart says they need you. most of their family is far away and they are being bullied. etc.

whilst they are going through things, you don’t need to be part Of that if you don’t want to. What I mean by that is that you can hold compassion for someone without being active in a relationship?

I love this

 

[silverlinings1069]

I have been in similar situations. It is awful and so hard to deal with. You are not alone. I have big issues with boundaries because I never knew what they were until last year. I am also learning to listen to the red flags and what does not feel right. What I have learned is I need to care for myself first. After saying all of this, please do what you need to do for your mental health. This has helped me make the hard decisions. It is not going to be easy. And it hurts too. But the relief from doing what I needed to do for myself in that moment was priceless for me. I hope you figure out a resolution. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Friday]

There are people I choose to be around/keep in my life that cross my boundaries pretty durn consistently.

It’s not reeeeeeeally a problem (yes, yes it is, it’s annoying as f*ck), because boundaries are what I DO, not a way to make them change.

That little back&forth up there between me & myself? You’ll note it’s …annoying… rather than any of the bada BIG bada BOOM reactions. Because my boundaries are scaled back enough that I’m exiting / regrouping / whatever whilst they’re still waaaaaaay back in soft-limit territory. Where I’m leaving the room & rolling my eyes, or hanging up the phone, or going home, or whatever… they’re just them, being themselves… looooooooong before we get to hard-limit territory & I’m ending the relationship / removing them from my life, entirely.

If you want someone to change? That’s not about you & your boundaries. Or anyone else crossing them.

 

[Weemie]

me: leaves "person" alone for several normal reasons (about a month passes)

Is leaving this person alone/not responding to them despite them engaging, a response to their disrespect of you? If so, I would classify this as akin to the silent treatment, which is not usually a very successful way to deal with problems in relationships. The best way you can handle their behavior is by being direct and assertive. Which it sounds like you were later on! It may happen that they respond poorly to that, in which case you will have a better understanding of whether or not this relationship is right for you.

 

[Muttly]

I just want to take space now. no communication about it at this point.

I get this. I have felt that way. I sometimes just need to retreat and let my feelings settle down and then I can move on. If that's what you want, you may have to enforce that. People don't always understand needing space and they don't always understand that taking space isn't punitive.

yes..but for some reason my heart doesnt care. my heart says they need you. most of their family is far away and they are being bullied. etc.

Ok, but your heart isn't your brain and isn't in charge of setting boundaries or taking care of yourself. You can feel things and not act on them.

 

[Aprilshowers]

Have you ever heard of the book "Good Boundaries and Goodbyes" by Lysa Terkurst? It's a great book about relationships. If you have the time, do a YouTube search for Elevation Church, Lysa Terkeurst, Dancing With Dysfunction. She does a great talk on what we bring to our relationships versus what other people do.