Marriage On The Rocks

[raydarluvr1]

This has a long back story, so I will use the short form and hope it suffices. I was diagnosed in 1992. I was active duty and wanted to keep my career. The USAF began treatment for Anxiety and Depression until my retirement in 2004. I found the military an easy place to function, but I developed a vast array of maladaptive behaviors the have entrenched PTSD firmly in my personality. I try really hard to keep things under wraps. I'm in treatment at the VA as well as here in town. In 2007, I was attacked by a co-worker and all the issues that I had so tightly contained in a box were spilled all over my head.
The onset was hard and fast. It did not help that I was move to another work center as someone else's problem. It wasn't long before I had to medically retire. Because all this happened so hard and fast, I handled things super crappy. I did stupid stuff and I own every bit of it. I'm trying so hard to patch things together, but she is shut off and holding the marriage over my head. She refuses to get help for herself or for our relationship. I'm really really losing it. I don't want to live while she hold me in limbo. While there's some kind of chance, my faith prevents me from walking out and moving on the be single for the rest of my life. Plus, I don't want to break the home for my boys. I lived like that and don't want it for them.
I just want God to come take me now.

Regards,
Jeff

 

[Aprooster74]

I understand the desire for the 'short form.' A readily available, extremely preferred, and #1 choice for the reality of avoidance. I know this because I used the 'short form' for years and in the end realized that all it did was create that little closet in the back of my head where I could store things that I did not want to deal with, confront, or would get to later. The problem with this method is this --> that closet can only hold so much before ..... yeppers .... a 105 round achieving impact. Never a good thing.

Let me break down the 'short form,' so that you can know exactly what I am asking/replying to:

I developed a vast array of maladaptive behaviors the have entrenched PTSD firmly in my personality. I try really hard to keep things under wraps.

all the issues that I had so tightly contained in a box

The idea of maladaptive behaviors causes me to wonder where you came across that phrase? There is not one single behavior of PTSD that can not be observed in a civilian any day of the week, so what is maladaptive? Not the behavior! The way in which it is handled. Combat PTSD is unique because the way in which we dealt with these behaviors is not conducive to civilian life. So, we must learn how to adapt our training to deal with them, and I never took a course in the military called, "A little closet to hide in." However, my training did teach me how to identify the triggers of my maladaptive behaviors. For example: 'Gunfire:' take cover, locate the source, and respond. 'Explosions:' take cover, identify whether it is threatening/Non-threatening, and react accordingly, 'Yelling/Shouting:' Where?, Why?, Concerns me How? On and on the list of triggers can go, and the truth is only YOU can identify and explain them. Why? because only you know what your triggers are and you need to identify them, understand why they bother you and find a way to deal with or adapt to them. Once you have done that with each and every single issue that causes you trouble will you be able to move forward. We all have to adapt to the person that came home. Then we can adapt to those in our life.

Will leave you with this. There is a book written by an Army Psychiatrist called 'Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior' by Charles Hoge. Most bookstores do not carry it but it can be ordered or go online. This book took me 2 years to read because I could relate to the EXTREME, but I eventually made it through to the end. I had a 5 subject College rule notebook next to me and every time I read something that caused me bother I wrote down my thoughts along with the page that caused me to stop reading. It was easier for me to read what I had write rather than read the book. Once I understood why I had that thought then I was able to move forward in the book. This is what worked for me. Maybe it will help you, but understand this is just one method. NOT THE ONLY METHOD!

I will end here. One thing I have learned is that to much at one time is not helpful. However, if you reply I will respond in kind.

Patrick

 

[JarHed]

Hey Ray

One can only change one's self, you can't change someone else. So, if your wife doesn't want to get involved to help save your relationship, you can't do it on your own. The whole thing of keeping it 'contained or bottled up' is exactly what PTSD does and is. To move forward you've got to give it time and work at it like you are. You also can't control all the things you'd like to or wish to. The things you're saying are like a list that most of us have. Not that that 'misery loves company' but we're all in the same boat so to speak. Just try to give it some time and don't be so hard on yourself, you're only human. Best of luck with the challenges you've got in front of you. Welcome to the forums.

JarHed

 

[Woodman]

I've been at where you are, it's a long f*cked up road that doesn't end. heal brother and be strong.

 

[Lurch]

I can empathize with your situation. You need to focus on you and get yourself in a better situation. Don't give up on her, but don't focus on her negativity. You are owning mistakes, that is great, but you also need to put them behind you. I know you love your kids, you need to decide what is best for them. A home with people unhappy or two homes with happy parents? Its hard, but things can get better.

I tell everyone around me that you learn more through your mistakes then you do through your successes. You may have a masters degree in life from all you mistakes. I'm getting close.

 

[vikingr24]

There's an expression that has been quoted many times here with many variations, but I still like it:

Don't eat the whole elephant.

I think we have all been there with wives and loved ones. Understand it's a temporary condition that will heal in time. Forgiveness is often a word we use to make things better. But most of the time we end up forgiving the other person or asking forgiveness from them.

Start forgiving yourself. It's the first step out of the hole. Understand too, it isn't permanent either but it gets you walking and thinking toward more permanent things that are good and healing. 'Luck, buddy.

 

[Raven]

While I don't agree with all of it, the book The Five Love Languages touches on a lot of important things anyone in a relationship should realize. We all have different ways of showing love--and expecting it to be shown to us. Words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. Sometimes we show love in different ways than we want to receive it. For example, I show love with gifts but if I don't receive words of affirmation then I don't feel loved. (It sucks because if I'm not constantly showered with unsolicited compliments, I feel really unloved and unappreciated)

Maybe you two aren't showing that you love each other in the right ways, so it's all getting lost in translation. You're at an impasse.

 

[Friday]

I </3 limbo.

It is the hands down hardest, most stressful place for me to be in. If it's gonna be bad, let it be bad and over with, dammit. If it's gonna be good? Suspense kills me, and sucks the joy outta the good more than most had to start with. The dread, aching, eats me the f*ck alive. Hurry up? No problem. Wait? f*ckin problem. I done used up all my patience a long long time ago.

I think most of us have f*cked up relationships. Only 2 things that hurt more, death & betrayal. Waiting for that axe to fall? Worse than the axe. I know you're tough enough to get through this, whichever way the axe lands, cause you've already had worse, and this ain't a papercut. It's gonna hurt if it doesn't happen, and hurt if it does. But you have PTSD. You can do hurt standing on your head. Everything is temporary. Even hurt. Keep moving.

 

[Sludge]

Living it, still. Look at the bright side, no matter what happens, things do get better. They do get easier.

One must just remember that one must take care of one's self FIRST before one can take care of anyone else.

So ends my melancholy philosophy for the day.

 

[raydarluvr1]

While I don't agree with all of it, the book The Five Love Languages touches on a lot of important things anyone in a relationship should realize. We all have different ways of showing love--and expecting it to be shown to us. Words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. Sometimes we show love in different ways than we want to receive it. For example, I show love with gifts but if I don't receive words of affirmation then I don't feel loved. (It sucks because if I'm not constantly showered with unsolicited compliments, I feel really unloved and unappreciated)

Maybe you two aren't showing that you love each other in the right ways, so it's all getting lost in translation. You're at an impasse.

Funny you should mention this. She read the website (not the book), took the test, sent me the link, decided her "love language" was Acts of Service and threw it up in my face like that is the only way she could be loved. Completely inconsistant with our past. Ironically, her biggest gripe at the time was that I didn't do enough around the house. She still hasn't read the book. Now that I have, she refuses to revisit the issue. She's moved on to a different tactic.

 

[raydarluvr1]

• I understand the desire for the 'short form.' A readily available, extremely preferred, and #1 choice for the reality of avoidance. I know this because I used the 'short form' for years and in the end realized that all it did was create that little closet in the back of my head where I could store things that I did not want to deal with, confront, or would get to later. The problem with this method is this --> that closet can only hold so much before ..... yeppers .... a 105 round achieving impact. Never a good thing.

I used the short form to keep from having to write the 1000's of ways I have screwed up since 1993. All stuff were familiar with and would prevent my write an epic tome of a life story nobody here cares to read about. It was my effort to write clear concise text of my current situation with which I need help/support. It is never my intent to hide anything in a closet (I call it a box). My closet was blown wide open in 2006 and I have been trying to pick up the pieces since. I felt that if you need more information, you would simply ask rather than accuse me of being avoidant.

The idea of maladaptive behaviors causes me to wonder where you came across that phrase? There is not one single behavior of PTSD that can not be observed in a civilian any day of the week, so what is maladaptive?...

Maladaptive is a term use by more than one of my therapists in a clinical setting. It refers to the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed while still in the military and not being treated for actual PTSD, but anxiety and depression. These maladaptive behaviors allowed me stuff all my symptoms into the box and press on with my military career. Remaining in the military made it very easy to function in a familiar environment and hide my PTSD behind the "been there, done that Master Sergeant" persona for which I became best known. Thirteen years of living with maladaptive coping modalities made my particular case "entrenched". Entrenched is another word used by therapists to describe my condition.

Will leave you with this. There is a book written by an Army Psychiatrist called 'Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior' by Charles Hoge.

I will add this to the stack of books I don't have time to read because I am home alone with my three boys.

Regards,
Jeff

 

[dutchiedelta]

Maladaptive is a term use by more than one of my therapists in a clinical setting. It refers to the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed while still in the military and not being treated for actual PTSD, but anxiety and depression.

They may be unhealthy but.. Can we agree you adapted to unusual circumstances in the most efficient way possible?
Part of our behaviour stems from finding ways to survive while all else crumbles around you.
Having the "wrong" treatment might have added to the puzzle. I'm wondering in how far you are supported by your therapists to get good treatment or are they shoving you away like many others have been?

Sorry, words don't come out right today and I'm struggling to express myself clearly. Hope this makes sense.