Recently I have realized (after weeks gone by and therapy), that I have been close friends with PTSD sufferers for years and was actually a carer without knowing it. They never realized they had PTSD (rape victim and witness to murder), and I never realized I was doing anything other than being a friend, even though it was so hard for me to see them suffering, changing, and though I could not truly understand their pain. I spent many, many hours, days, weeks, changing plans to handle tears, fear, loneliness, but it was, to me, being a friend. I wouldn't have done anything differently.
I realize now that I am lucky to have such support in my life. Different folks, different place in my life. I feel I don't deserve their compassion and kindness, but maybe I do. And I stopped believing in Karma a while ago, but maybe I believe again. Maybe the "what did I do to even deserve someone being nice to me when I am like this?" and "I don't know how to repay" are all a part of this crazy life process. If I become a carer again, my support would be much more empathetic now, yet I feel better knowing my being there for someone else in pain meant something big that I never quite "got" till now.
I feel connected on a new level to other survivors and my gratitude toward carers is wrapped in a new understanding of the gratitude my friends had toward me in the past.
I realize now that I am lucky to have such support in my life. Different folks, different place in my life. I feel I don't deserve their compassion and kindness, but maybe I do. And I stopped believing in Karma a while ago, but maybe I believe again. Maybe the "what did I do to even deserve someone being nice to me when I am like this?" and "I don't know how to repay" are all a part of this crazy life process. If I become a carer again, my support would be much more empathetic now, yet I feel better knowing my being there for someone else in pain meant something big that I never quite "got" till now.
I feel connected on a new level to other survivors and my gratitude toward carers is wrapped in a new understanding of the gratitude my friends had toward me in the past.
