Memory problems (especially during fights)

[Juso]

Hey! Just a quick question.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now, and besides many other challenges, one of our main problems is that I tend to forget a lot. During fights I forget what I have said and what my boyfriend has said, sometimes even seconds after it happened. And I often don't notice it (how, if nobody tells me?).
Ironically, I always thought that my memory was excellent because I can even recall how my kindergarten teacher changed my diapers. But when I was a teenager/child and I had the most terrible fights with my mum I used to not be able to remember anything the next morning. The whole day was gone, which sometimes was quite scary. Also, some school years are wiped from my memory, it's like I never was in school when I was about 11 to 15 years old, but I was, and when my mum tells me stories of the bullying (which she almost never does) then it suddenly comes back full force and it seems incredible that I could forget all of this.
So I guess forgetting stuff is related to how STRESSFUL the stuff is.

I recently talked to my mother about this and she said that she never believed me back then when I told her I didn't remember the fights, but that she does now since I experience the same thing with my boyfriend.

I understand that this gets very frustrating, and my boyfriend tends to get very angry about it. He knows that this has to do with my trauma but it sometimes seems to be so crazy that it is difficult for him to believe me.

I wanted to ask what techniques there are to improve my memory. Because I feel like the memory IS there, it is just not conscious. And I want to stay conscious during stressful situations. I know it will probably be very hard and that I will dissociate a lot, but I am tired of not having the control over my memory.

Any help is greatly appreciated!

 

[wishball]

Hey! Just a quick question.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now, and besides...

I'm not sure what is out there in terms of memory support but I can relate and it is real. I know it is difficult for some people to believe we can lose our memory during a fight. Not only can I forget a fight, I can forget who I am. Sometimes I realize I have forgotten, other times I'm completely not aware that I have forgotten anything.

 

[Justmehere]

Are you in treatment? Have you done any work to learn grounding skills?

Also, it might be that you and your boyfriend need to find a calmer way to work out conflict.

 

[Juso]

@wishball : Thanks a lot for answering and validating my experience. I am glad to know that someone understands what is happening to me. I totally understand what you mean by forgetting who you are, too, even though I don't experience it that way. It is more like my personality changes and I become a child version of myself and mostly I don't even notice it until my boyfriend tells me about it. I hope our abilities to remember will get better! :hug:

@Justmehere : Thank you too for answering! Yes I have learned a bit about grounding skills, but I need to implement them more often. I have used them for my dissociation and my self-harming tendencies.
And yes you are completely right about the need to work out our conflicts in a calmer way. His aggression (which is just human, he is not abusive) triggers me a lot because he reminds me of my mum when she couldn't control her anger and was about to "get physical". I was very afraid of her during fights and when I am fighting with my boyfriend the fights tend to escalate to the point where I am hyperventilating and don't know how to regulate my intense emotions (I have a strong desire to hurt myself in that condition). I think the only solution is to recognize what drives us into these dynamics and to stop when it is still possible. I need a long time to recover from these fights, sometimes even days.

 

[Juso]

Oh, and @Justmehere , I was in treatment, but that was long ago (my mum sent me to a therapist when I was about 11, then, when I was 16, I needed therapy again because I was suffering from depression, and it helped me a lot). I know I should get treatment again because there is a lot of unresolved traumastill but it is difficult since I am not studying in my home country and also my study program is extremely demanding. :( Didn't figure out a way yet to solve this problem.

 

[wishball]

Oh, and @Justmehere , I was in treatment, but that was long ago (my mum sent me to a th...

There is something you said about returning to your child like state. If you have time could you elaborate, if you don't mind. I'm asking because I haven't read that yet and I also return to a child like state, not during conflict but at time. For example I was at a hardware store with my boyfriend (at the time) and I saw a 6 foot motion Santa, and I was like "Santa" and he said it was like I was 5 years old.

 

[barefoot]

Sounds like you may be getting triggered and then dissociating? In which case, I’d say it’s not really about memory improvement techniques and more, as @Justmehere suggests, about working on grounding skills/tools and ways to manage your triggers.

 

[Still Standing]

Ditto! Add me onto the list of not being able to remember why I am mad or be able to repeat back what has been said to me, especially when Hubby and I get into a tiff. If it is heated enough, I will start laughing like it is the most hilarious situation we could ever be in. I cannot explain why I am mad or what upsets me. All I can do is say that I am really mad and things are not funny even though I am laughing. When I can calm down and get quiet, which may take a day or two, I can then come back and address the issue and discuss it and tell why I was upset. On a smaller scale, I can hear what the T is saying and then in the next second only know that he said something but I have no recall. Thus far, this issue has not been addressed. However, I have learned through the years, that if I sit down and start writing, I can be very detailed and have recall about an upsetting encounter. This way, I can collect my thoughts in peace and then have the paper as a reference. It is my own coping skill in this regard.

 

[Juso]

@wishball : I guess trauma that happened during your childhood and that was unbearable stopped the development of one part of you. So you regress into that state sometimes, for me it only happens when I am triggered. So when we fight I tend to do the same I did when I was fighting with my mum: covering my ears, speaking in a child-like manner (being unreasonable and not behaving like an adult in general), sitting on the floor, crying very easily and yearning for warmth and comfort even though the person I am fighting with is angry with me (and I should be angry with him/her). The most interesting thing is that during the fights I miss my mother, or actually any mother-figure I know. I feel like a little child, helpless and alone and not at all protected.
Did that clear things up for you? :)

@barefoot : Thank you for dropping by! Yes, maybe this is a severe form of dissociating, I don't know. It would make sense because I always dissociate in situations like these, I feel detached, my body is weird and I can't really feel it, even when I self-harm, and everything seems unreal. Well, I either way have to use the grounding techniques, but it could be difficult in acute situations when my boyfriend is very angry and won't stop yelling/being very loud. :O_o: He also does not like it when I take my stuff and leave the house to calm down because in his opinion this is almost as if I would leave him (but this was the only way my mum and I could calm the situation - we would just get out of it and be separated for some time to cool down). So I don't know how to make him realize how triggering this is for me and that I need the fights to be less intense.

@Still Standing : Hello and thank you for your answer! It is such a relief to hear that I am not the only one with this strange "quirk". And humor is a good way of coping with it actually, it takes away the drama, and this is what I need desperately. I need to get out of that the-world-is-ending-mood, out of that belief system that everything is at stake. "On a smaller scale, I can hear what the T is saying and then in the next second only know that he said something but I have no recall." Oh, I can relate!!! It is so weird and sometimes I get really frustrated with my brain because of it.

Thank you all for your advice :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Yep, completely normal.

My memory is awesome..... except when I’m in a heightened state.

When in fight/flight/fawn/freeze mode, your resources aren’t going toward forming memories. Your resources are going toward saving your butt.

 

[Juso]

@EveHarrington : Wow thanks for formulating it in such a clear and short manner! Yep, you're right, it seems to be a very logical reaction.

 

[Gs172003]

Yep, completely normal.

My memory is awesome..... except when I’m in a heightened state.

Wh...

^ this