Milestone Birthday But Not Happy

[KwanYingirl]

i turn 60 on the 29th. I couldn't care less. My adult children are very sentimental and insist on me celebrating it. I finally agreed that I would go to Boston for dinner, but NO ONE is welcome besides them and their partners.
I have now learned that "something" is planned in Manchester, NH and have been told to cancel my clients. Now my anxiety is off the chart. My children are well adjusted and despite my efforts to teach them about triggers and the anxiety they cause, they don't get it. Damnit no one but sufferers get it. Well I guess trauma specialists get it too.
I know they love me and want to express it. If I could be sure my family is not invited, I'd relax. All I get from them is "don't worry". HA! That's like telling me not to breathe. I don't even want to do anything. Birthdays were not celebrated growing up, but what has me so anxious is the trapped feeling I get if I know people are going to look at me. This is totally trauma based and even thinking it brings up horrible memories. They don't get it. I just have to wait it out somehow so I don't get so anxious that I can't drive due to hyperventilating. Plus, the road my therapist is on is being repaved. The asphalt fumes make me sick, so I am on hiatus with therapy till the road off gasses. I hate surprises.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think this is a time for you to stand up for yourself and say "no, I will not cancel my clients. I was explicit about saying I only wanted a birthday dinner with so-and-so and nothing else. This is my birthday and I deserve to celebrate it as *I* want to!"

Its not just about being a sufferer. LOTS of people don't want big birthday celebrations. (Although I do understand that in this case, it is related to your PTSD.) I guess my point is that people need to learn that you can't FORCE a celebration on somebody. Some people love that sort of thing, but others don't. And for those that don't, why should they have a party forced on them when its is your special day to celebrate as you please?

I think that yes, its good for us to push ourselves to do things we wouldn't normally do, but in this case, it is YOUR day to do as YOU please so if you don't want to push yourself on one day out of the year, I'd say this would be the day!

Of course you run the risk of your kids thinking you are being a pain, blah blah blah, but again, this is YOUR day. They may think you are being ungrateful, but again, its YOUR day. Just because they think a party is the best way to celebrate doesn't mean that you have to.

Every year I make my birthday fabulous, even if I spend much of the day by myself. This year I did things that I wanted to do all day long. I had a lot of fun! I still had a few birthday dinners and such with family. But, the important thing is that I did what I wanted to do because it was my day.

Its your day, please only do what you want to do.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My BFF friended my daughter on Facebook under the guise of letting her know she had earrings for sale that I might like, oh, and by the way, she's very nervous about the details of her Birthday. My daughter told her the plan and my friend assured me that they are very aware of what I want and they are going to honor my wishes. Then she said don't stress you're going to love it. Horray for a well placed spy.
I agree with you @Solara I'm not one to celebrate. Have you ever read The Courage to Heal? There's a chapter in it that explores rituals and how we can make our own.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yay, I'm glad they are honoring your wishes! I have The Courage To Heal and the workbook, but it was upsetting to me when I first started reading it and then my treatment went in another direction, and now I know that much wouldn't apply as I'm post-processing my sexual trauma. So that's the long way of saying no, I haven't read that part! I like the idea of creating our own traditions though.

 

[Chava]

Whew! So glad this worked out in a comfortable way. I don't love suprises either! I also don't love gatherings of more than a couple people, but I'll push my limits if I have a comfortable friend involved, a visual map of it in my head and an exit plan in mind!! Glad your kids are trying to really understand and make something special. Let us know how it goes (I like surprises when they are somebody else's :woot:) Happy Birthday!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hate surprises . Hate hate hate them

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Make the best of the dinner (you may enjoy it, just no surprises I hate them too) and put your foot down on what you don't want. It's your day.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, I checked out the two venues for entertainment in Manchester. The Nutcracker is being performed at one and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra is at the other. So my strategy to assuage my anxiety is to hope they're taking me to either of those performances!!!! Then a late night steak dinner-YES!

I'd like to take a minute to share something. When I got sick in the late 90's from chemicals at work being ILLEAGALLY DISPOSED I lost my mind as well as my career and friends. My children were 14and 16. As I had to come to terms about my having PTSD I was always trying to protect them from being poisoned by my sexuall abuse history. Being teens, they were adequately self absorbed and life was kept predictable. When my daughter went to college, we became estranged-her choice. Long story short, she's now 30 and my anxiety had been increasing when I started working deeply on my trauma. I was driving her batty. I would forget plans we made, I was afraid to drive to Boston. She's confused and hurt by my actions. I asked her if she'd be willing to meet with me and my therapist in hopes that he could help her understand my PTSD and let her ask any and all questions she had. It was like a miracle. He gave her literature for supporters as well as general info on PTSD. She asked many questions and he handled them all. Now when I tell her something is triggering me, she is empathic now.
If any of you wonder how to help your young adult children taking them to see your therapist (book a two hour session) is money well spent.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Happy early Birthday and kudos with the therapy session with your daughter. The kids are old enough to understand what you are going through at the present time and I am so happy for you and for your daughter. It is very difficult to being a teenager in this age, as there is more technology involved in their lives and the hormones raging. Once they learn and realize what is really going on, they seem to get it and be able to move on more harmoniously. You will be a better mom for it I think. I wish you the best with your birthday surprise.