Missing Grandma's Hands

[BigLittle]

Hi,

Last night I dreamed about ly grandmother who I love the most and who passed away several years ago. I couldn't be with her at the time when she passed and it seems since I started EMDR I am stunned with how much stuff I have storen away in my body, mind and soul.

I was crying in my sleep telling my dad of all people in the house of violence that I grew up in that I woke up this mourning and that I thought that Grandma was still alive.

I felt a deep sadness in my heavy heart because she was the only person I ever trusted in my whole life.

Now at the breakfasttable it seems obvious that I have to continue doing EMDR because I've repressed so much that I am physically in pain of it.


Damn... I miss Grandma's Hands...

 

[Sideways]

There's a lot of reasons to not like being touched when you have ptsd. So I can only imagine the grief associated with losing someone who's touch was genuinely soothing.

These are some of the most awkward exercises I've ever done in a group therapy setting!! But straight up, the hand on heart one is still something I do sometimes when I'm alone and sad or lonely. Because soothing touch is a really immense thing.

It doesn't always go well - like I said, touch is a difficult little peanut to crack and sometimes the body just says No (and the ptsd body very often says Hell No!). But your post reminded me of this exercise because of what I personally get out of it.

I'm sorry for your loss. I really like that you have good memories to hold on to.

 

[BigLittle]

There's a lot of reasons to not like being touched when you have ptsd. So I can only imagine the grief associated with losing someone who's touch was genuinely soothing.

These are some of the most awkward exercises I've ever done in a group therapy setting!! But straight up, the hand on heart one is still something I do sometimes when I'm alone and sad or lonely. Because soothing touch is a really immense thing.

It doesn't always go well - like I said, touch is a difficult little peanut to crack and sometimes the body just says No (and the ptsd body very often says Hell No!). But your post reminded me of this exercise because of what I personally get out of it.

I'm sorry for your loss. I really like that you have good memories to hold on to.

Hi Sideways,

Thanks for the reply. Also for the feedback on why sometimes I just do not want to be touched and automatically I think that there is something wrong with me or that I don't like the person.

This also is because of my attachment disorder that was created from the day that I was born or even from to womb, because of the domestic violence, my conception by rape and drugs and alcohol abuse from my mother.

It's been only 6 months since I've been aware and feeling what I have been exposed to the last 39 years.

I am gratefull for my grandma's love.

 

[shimmerz]

My grandfather died when I was 8. I am 60 now. Throughout my healing, I was working with a shaman at the time, and she said to me, you most likely don't have anyone in your life who showed you true love.

Now hold on just a minute! Darn right I did! My grandfather. I have never felt such love since. I am hoping to pass this feeling on to my now - grandchildren. It seems to be working so far. And I think part of that capacity for love that grandparents have is the fact that children are so open and trusting and untarnished. They allow themselves to be loved as you and I were.

I have used the model that this man provided to me to heal. To learn how to love myself. Also, to leaarn how to love my grandchildren in an authentic and mindful manner.

It is my hope that your grandmother and my grandfather are hanging out where ever dead folk do, and patting each other on the backs - because they both did a damned good job at being a grandparent and showing us what love really was when nobody else seemed to be able to.