More pain

[donethat]

I have an increasing desire...more like a need, to feel emotional pain, humiliation, punishment and pleasure. This makes NO sense in my life, history, disability, etc. Simply it does not fit "me".
Emotional pain doesn't seem to quite describe it. God knows I've seen enough of that. So I don't know, yet....how to describe it...or what it really is.

I have been tapering off of clonazapam for a few months after 20 years taking it. It has been a crazy, crazy ride...but I'm getting through it. Maybe that explains it....but I'm not so sure. The above "needs", etc., just don't seem to fit in anywhere or have a reason, or cause ?

This just keeps intruding. I have no idea what to do with it, what it means, etc. ??

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it possible that these feelings are emerging because you're coming off of benzos?

 

[donethat]

I'm sure it is possible. Maybe I'm just starting to feel new things that have been covered up by the benzos. Can't quite imagine that either....beats me.

 

[donethat]

Maybe...an increased need for, and resistance to being able to find pleasure in the middle of this benzo crazy. Anything is possible I guess.
I'm still trying to figure it out and figure out how to deal with it.
Thanks for your input.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Maybe it could be emotional numbness? I know when I am completely emotionally numb I have a desire to feel that pain just to know that I can feel and then of course I'm like why did I want this?

 

[donethat]

Thanks for the reply ! That's a bit like the need to feel alive, when surrounded by a lot of death which manifested in an increased sex drive among many I knew who worked too close to death. Maybe a combination of all of the above ? Not sure what to do with it.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

That's a bit like the need to feel alive, when surrounded by a lot of death which manifested in an increased sex drive among many I knew who worked too close to death.

I just read this thread. Your post here seemed to strike a chord with me. I have a job that has put me in close proximity with pain and death. Hmmmm, never connected that to increased sex drive but maybe I should.

 

[donethat]

Just my observations, in one tiny slice of life....past life. The more disconnected I am from sex, the more dead I feel, and hopeless.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

Yeah, I get that. Sex is life and intimacy whether we want to believe that or not.