Mother

[Deleted member 29920]

Oh Cj77...that is utterly outrageous to be treated like that by anyone, let alone your Mother. I'm so sor...

Thank you for your kind words, there was no way anyone would have suspected something was wrong, my mother fooled close family with ease and people just seemed to accept that I was just a "naturally quiet child". Anyone who would have been tuned in enough to ask questions was kept at arms' length by her. I wish even one teacher could have asked me, just a few questions, I'm not sure I'd have been able to tell though. Telling kids to keep their hands and feet to themselves is far too vague, I wish they'd taught us where we shouldn't let others - anyone - touch us. And certainly no family member ever told me not to let people touch me in certain places.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Dear mum,

How dare you twist the word "strong" to mean something different. "You're so strong". Those were your words to me when I was a little girl. To hide an abusers abuse, that is "strong"? No. It's just plain wrong.

How about for your next trip, seeing the world with your new husband (who, by the way, is only being used by you, because you don't know how to love), you go get a good look in that Bermuda Triangle or something, hm?

 

[Sideways]

@Cj77 - I know that in this forum, I'm one of the very privileged ones to have a mother who has always loved me.

Knowing that, it is a privilege to have you share your story with me. I won't ever know that kind of pain, and I can't take it away. But I can listen, and I have heard.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Cj77 - I know that in this forum, I'm one of the very privileged ones to have...

I am glad you have a good mother, and your words are helpful to me. Starting this thread was really tough, but the validation, acknowledgement, kindness of others is so essential to me, and I really appreciate you and everyone who have offered their support. I never expected it, but I am starting to see that this world really does have good people in it, and that is amazing and reassuring.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Dear mum,

Your new husband sent me text messages now and then, particularly after my grandmother passed away fourteen months ago. One message said ".. she was at home in her own bed surrounded by her family.. everyone will make you feel welcome if you can make it to the funeral". Total bullshit.

She was NOT surrounded by her family, because I wasn't there. And you and I both know the disturbing reasons I feel I could not be anywhere near you, especially. How was I supposed to be there, with you, my abuser, there? How would I have done that without some horrific outcome? The way that message is worded totally implies I was nothing to my grandmother. Let me tell you - although you already know, I meant everything to my gran, and you couldn't stand that. You were jealous. Even to the point that when I was about eleven, and you were thirty, you had to whine alongside your abusive forty year old sister "why do you hug [cj] and not us"? I'm sure she had very good reasons for not wanting to hug you two losers. One reason was probably because you were so condescending to her on a regular basis.

I'd be made to feel welcome?!

Oh, how kind(!) Imagine that! And why shouldn't I have been?

You can turn all the people you want against me, it doesn't change one thing about the truth.

My grandmother loved me and always will, I absolutely, unequivocally, deserve that love. I am not certain she would forgive you for what you done to her only grandchild.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Dear mum?

I can't continue calling you that anymore. I can think of plenty other words.

I had another realisation. It really scared me.

When I was about thirteen, I became properly aware that I will die some day.

The location I was at the time of this realisation was - I was leaning on our bathroom sink.

I was staring at the part of the floor where you assaulted me.

But I did not manage to remember then what you had done to me there.

My poor mind.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Dear ****,

That's how I'll refer to you from now on.

Why did you hate me so much?

I want to know, because I was a good girl, I was quiet and well behaved, I took your hints and I went to my room and made my own entertainment, I played with my toys, I stayed in my own head. I even invented imaginary brothers and sisters for "company".

You married a whole year before I was born.

Why did you have me if you were just going to abuse me?

Why did you bring me here if you didn't want me?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Dear ****,

Do you have any idea how much I've lost because of you?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Dear ****,

I look forward to the day when I am totally free from you, when you can never find me ever again, when I live somewhere far from where all the memories are.

I can't wait for that day, my life will be good!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Cj77 I had a mom that hated me too so your writings really hit home. I hope that you will be able to free yourself from your abuser and how sad I was to read about your gran and you not be able to go to her funeral because your abuser was there.

I did not go to my brothers funeral for a similar reason. I can relate so much to what you have been saying and I think it is sad to have such a rotten mother. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Dear ****,

Today is a particularly tough day. Reminders all around me that other people have good mothers and that I didn't, and never will...

Last night I had the thoughts again, about what should be done, and the memory of realising I'll die one day. And why I realised it while staring at the bathroom floor.

I just wish you were gone.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Cj77 I had a mom that hated me too so your writings really hit home. I hope that you...

Thanks Gizmo, hugs to you also. It's terrible that you went through the same, abuse just ruins so many parts of people's lives, it's devastating. I wish I could have went to my gran's funeral. This is another thing - in spite of knowing where I lived when my gran passed, I was not informed of where she was buried, and I am too scared to contact any of my family to find out. I can't bear the thought of contacting anyone that my mother is in touch with.