Mothers Day-thoughts

[Snowflake]

First of all happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there.

I have a fragile relationship with my mother who is ill. I went to see her this morning and on my way I thought about my father who passed away 5 years ago....would he be proud of me or what? I am afraid he would be disappointed in me for continuing the damage to the family through counseling and sharing the pain of my childhood. Anyhow I saw my mom, which is hard. i took her to mass, at the nursing home, and then took her to see a friend near her, and then put her to bed for a nap. It was a good visit, but I am always on guard with my protective shield up. As I left and sat in my car I wanted to cry. What am I doing talking bad about my family and mom? Can't I forgive and forget? I don't know. I texted my siblings about mom and the visit-no response. Hmmm I can't believe how an okay visit still hurts.

 

[ladee]

I know how much this took for you to follow thru visiting your mom... maybe some of it is sadness for what will never be. That is the only tears I shed when the sperm donor died... not for him... but for what would never be.
So, proud that you went, and you will process and see what the sadness is about. Sending you hugs on this Mother's Day.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

In my heart I realize that Mothers Day is another Hallmark holiday and being alone is not wise. Not for me. But I am now feeling better and am greatly relieved that there are no mothers in my life today to contend with.

 

[ladee]

I wish my mom was here. She was taken from me at the beginning of my healing journey. I know so much that I have learned would have helped her too... she was wounded and broken and did the best she could.. I miss her still.

 

[Klo]

Can't I forgive and forget?

Forgiveness is for you, just to process and let go of any toxic, seething feelings inside that can mess you up over time.

Forgetting in my opinion is foolish. We must allow ourselves to learn from our experiences, even - maybe especially - the painful ones. If you have learned that your mother is not a safe person, it is healthy to remember what you have learned. Because those lessons are what equip us to better protect ourselves from unsafe people in the future.

If you get conditioned to feel guilty about such things, that's part of grooming. If you get conditioned to ignore life's lessons out of guilt, then you don't learn how to protect yourself, and abusers have an easier time continuing to take advantage (and also future abusers will be able to detect that it will be easier to take advantage).

So don't try to forget. Your experiences are valid and the things you have learned are important. Even on her death bed, through any programming over the years she may have subjected you to, she does not have the right to take this away from you.

 

[Leigh925]

I wish my mom was here. She was taken from me at the beginning of my healing journey. I know so much that I have learned would have helped her too... she was wounded and broken and did the best she could.. I miss her still.

Same for me. I sometimes feel guilty talking about her in therapy. I hope she forgives me for drudging out the family secrets.

 

[ladee]

@Leigh925, I hope so too. I wonder, if my and your mom had had the opportunities that we have had for healing, would they have taken the same paths? I know my moms history, and I understand some of the choices she made. She really had a much worse childhood than I did, and she was a good mom , considering. Of all the holidays, I like this one the least... so sending you hugs and feeling your mom would absolutely understand... energy for healing to you...

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Mother's Day... My mother is dead, and while that doesn't make me happy, it gives me a sense of relief. I will never be hurt by her again, and that allows me to start feeling some compassion toward her.

My idiot sister thinks our mother's ghost is inhabiting one of her Yorkies...sigh...

 

[Leigh925]

Thank you so much @ladee i really appreciate that. My mom had a much worse childhood than me as well. I'm surprised that she survived as long as she did. My mom was great at times. We were just more than she could mentally handle!

 

[ladee]

Oh Lawd @Mal Content, forgive me for laughing....:laugh::laugh::laugh:, you just throw things in your sentences that crack me up.... and I feel this you shared about your mom, about my sperm donor.... But can not think of one animal on the planet that would take on his essence... thanks for the laugh !!!

 

[ladee]

@Leigh925, the fact that we both have compassion for our moms, says a lot about what they did manage to teach us...I was a surprise and unwanted pregnancy for her... not how she pictured her life, raising another kid... but I got what she had to give... it was enough I guess.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I still have a very difficult time having compassion for my mom, maybe it is because my childhood was worse than hers. No bonds existed between my mom and me.