Sam and I were in a relationship for 7 years on and off, but the last 4 years were solid. I was engaged to him for 3 years.
There were some parts of the relationship that were absolutely amazing. I really put myself out there for him. Like constantly surprising him and showing him how much I cared. He was my childhood sweetheart. I know I'm only 21, but it's really hard coming out of such an intense relationship.
In the last couple of years he got really controlling. It got to the point where I couldn't have friends. He broke my cheek bone and ribs in anger, Towards the end, he'd gotten me pregnant in the August, I didn't know this until mid-November when I realised something wasn't right and I found out I was going to have twins. He didn't react well to the news and said he'd happily rip them out of me with a coathanger. He ended our relationship when I messaged him to say I was miscarrying.
I know that I wasn't always great. I was completely neurotic because I wasn't receiving help for any of the things that were wrong with me. But even now when I'm getting help and I'm in a better place, it still scares me thinking that I really loved him, yet I didn't realise how bad things were until afterwards, no matter how much people told me. It also scares me that he was so amazing when we first got together. It scares me that people can change so much.
I feel like I'm actually in a place where I could handle a relationship without my own neurosis getting in the way. My problem is that it all feels so alien to me now. I haven't actually dated since before me and him got together. Since we broke up it's mostly been one night stands. I just can't remember how I used to act. Things have changed since then, since I accepted I'm bisexual.
Sorry it's a bit of a vent, just... Does anyone understand what I mean? I have no idea how to have the confidence to show people I like them that way anymore. I don't know if I'm terrified of being burnt again but... Yeah. I'm so dependent on other people making a move.
There were some parts of the relationship that were absolutely amazing. I really put myself out there for him. Like constantly surprising him and showing him how much I cared. He was my childhood sweetheart. I know I'm only 21, but it's really hard coming out of such an intense relationship.
In the last couple of years he got really controlling. It got to the point where I couldn't have friends. He broke my cheek bone and ribs in anger, Towards the end, he'd gotten me pregnant in the August, I didn't know this until mid-November when I realised something wasn't right and I found out I was going to have twins. He didn't react well to the news and said he'd happily rip them out of me with a coathanger. He ended our relationship when I messaged him to say I was miscarrying.
I know that I wasn't always great. I was completely neurotic because I wasn't receiving help for any of the things that were wrong with me. But even now when I'm getting help and I'm in a better place, it still scares me thinking that I really loved him, yet I didn't realise how bad things were until afterwards, no matter how much people told me. It also scares me that he was so amazing when we first got together. It scares me that people can change so much.
I feel like I'm actually in a place where I could handle a relationship without my own neurosis getting in the way. My problem is that it all feels so alien to me now. I haven't actually dated since before me and him got together. Since we broke up it's mostly been one night stands. I just can't remember how I used to act. Things have changed since then, since I accepted I'm bisexual.
Sorry it's a bit of a vent, just... Does anyone understand what I mean? I have no idea how to have the confidence to show people I like them that way anymore. I don't know if I'm terrified of being burnt again but... Yeah. I'm so dependent on other people making a move.
