General My bf came back from iraq a different person

[Allyface88]

Hey everyone I am new to this forum.
I've never had to deal with a partner having PTSD before and I'm really struggling. My partner and I have been together for about 4 years now, he's done quite a few deployments but his worse one as of yet has been his recent one to Iraq in which he spent 5 months there. We managed to stay together despite the long distance, not being able to speak or touch one another in general just being together. Again this was something very new to me. Since he's been back I realised he's so snappy, he's very distant to me, almost feel like friends, he doesnt show me love or comfort, if i show any signs of weakness he dissaproves of it and makes me feel like an idiot. I feel so unwanted and un loved..he left, and came back a very different person. I have done so much research and I've come to the conclusion its PTSD, occasionally he will say sorry for the way he's acted..but it's very rare. I am trying so hard to be understanding but I am really struggling and sometimes I feel like I just want to give up. Am I being selfish in wanting to feel loved but knowing hes suffering. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to react ..do I just take it ? Do I take him shouting at me and belittling me and making me feel like an idiot? Pure example ..i said i miss you, and he said miss you too.. and I jokingly said do you really ? And he snapped at me! Saying don't be so stupid why do you always ask me this I've told you I miss you end of why go on? I just burst out crying when we closed the phone ..i try to make him happy, I try and support him, I buy him gifts, I send him notes..i don't know what else to do..please help me im not doing too well. I was diagnosed with depression 6 months ago and have overcome it without pills ..i fought it ..but I feel it's creeping up on me again :( x

 

[littleoc]

If he possibly has PTSD, he should go to a doctor for a full diagnosis, but you won’t be able to take him.

However, him being nasty to you? That’s not PTSD. So, no, you shouldn’t just take it. You deserve to be loved and to not be treated like an idiot.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi,

Returning from deployment is a HUGE adjustment that can take months (if not longer).

Please don’t jump to the conclusion that this is PTSD when it may not be. He needs to get a professional opinion as diagnosing a mental disorder is much more involved than reading down a list of symptoms.

My advice? Give him space.

 

[littleoc]

My advice? Give him space.

I agree, this seems like the best approach right now

 

[Allyface88]

If he possibly has PTSD, he should go to a doctor for a full diagnosis, but you won’t be able to tak...

No no he will never go to the doctors for any sort of help. He has had quite a traumatic childhood aswell, so i think he has ptsd all his life but since him coming back after deployment its just gotten worse. Maybe nasty was harsh, maybe I see it as nasty as im not used to him being this rotten to me, to the extreme that he is.

 

[Allyface88]

Hi,

Returning from deployment is a HUGE adjustment that can take months (if not longer).

Plea...

Hmm yes I was thinking this too, that yes it's a huge adjustment and I could see when he came back he had a hard time in doing so. At the momment we are living in two different countries, I moved back when he deployed as the agreement was when he would come back we would buy a home here, but ofcourse this will need time. He stayed here with me for a month and his behaviour was on and off but not distant, but since returning home its become so bad to the point I don't think i can take much more. How much space can I give when I'm not even physically there lol :(

 

[scout86]

.i said i miss you, and he said miss you too.. and I jokingly said do you really ?

This might not be very helpful. In that case, ignore it.

I'd probably snap at someone who responded that way very often too. Because what it brings up in my mind is that you don't believe me, my answer wasn't good enough, what was I SUPPOSED to say? etc. You might have meant it as a joke, but it doesn't really sound like a joke to me. To me, it sounds like you're really not very sure how he DOES feel and that's a pretty big, serious conversation that deserves to be dealt with directly. But maybe not while he's deployed.

 

[Allyface88]

This might not be very helpful. In that case, ignore it.

I'd probably snap at someone who responded t...

I honestly didn't mean it like that all .. but maybe he did take it in that way. But he's never been that way before.

 

[scout86]

Have you read the "stress cup" description on this site? Just speaking for myself, that sort of thing ALWAYS strikes me that way, but, usually, I'd just let it go. When you're stressed and reaching your limit, it's harder to bit your tongue, or stop to think of other ways something might have been intended.

 

[Allyface88]

Have you read the "stress cup" description on this site? Just speaking for myself, that sort of thing A...

I guess you are right there, no I have read it, but will do so thank you ! I am a complete newbie on this site and was and am desperate for help. I just don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, I don't know how to talk to him about things, do I just ignore him when he's being like this to me, do I react the same as him? Maybe if he sees I'm backing off he will feel a bit different? I am so confused :(

 

[littleoc]

I wish I could help more, but just know that I’m supporting you from afar

 

[scout86]

do I just ignore him when he's being like this to me

I don't think that's a good idea. Your feelings are as important as his are, even if he's having a hard time. I guess what I'd suggest, for myself, is that you be willing to listen and willing to ask him questions you actually have. It's tempting to try mind reading, especially when you feel like you're walking on eggshells. That doesn't always work real well. A book that might be helpful, for both of you, is "Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior".

This isn't necessarily going to be an easy transition, but it's one that it's possible to navigate. You might be able to find some support through your military community. There are lots of other families out there who have experienced and are experiencing similar situations. And, of course, we want you to hang around here too!