Hello all,
I wasn't really sure where to to with this one, but its a doozy, and lead to my first mental breakdown in a Wetherspoons bathroom... truly, I have become an adult.
So, as stated in prior posts here, I experienced COCSA, and have experienced a plethora of issues as a result, including but not limited to, issues with intimacy, memory issues, and doubting myself, my memories, my validity as a CSA survivor, etc. And, in January, a friend of mine while drunk triggered very unhappy emotions and memories in me due to behaving in a really horrible way towards my friends and my boyfriend, and ended up touching my privates repeatedly even after I told them to stop to try and get me to let go of them when I had to retrain them to stop them from breaking my partners kitchenware. This deeply upset me, and honestly, I still think about it months later, but have mostly recovered and decided to continue our friendship due to the specific circumstances (which I have wrote about in a post thread)
However, that brings me to the main issue I am having right now. So, a long time ago, I wanna say October November last year, I had a nightmare where I was pretending to be asleep during naptime during nursery. I actually have a memory of being in nursery the last day before I was moving away to a new area, when I was either about to turn 4 or actually 4, saying goodbye to my classmates and looking at our uniform which for some reason stuck in my mind throughout my life. So, I know I can actually remember very very brief moments from when I was that young. In this dream, I was in that same uniform, pretending to sleep, when a nursery worker came up behind me, rubbed me, and began touching my privates, only for a moment or two, but long enough to feel intentional, uncomfortable and wrong. When I woke up, I felt disgusted and confused, but no more than is typical with dreams like that, though I did feel more disturbed by the realism as, while I've dreamt up fictional rapes before, they tended to be completely outlandish, and set when I was a late teen/just turning 18, whereas this felt more real even if it was just a snippet. I assumed it was a weird trauma dream, but occasionally would think about it. More recently, though, I have been thinking about it more and more and it is causing me increasingly large amounts of anxiety. Because now I am worrying it was real, and its a repressed memory, but I have no way of confirming that either way. I believe this was most likely brought about my friends actions towards me, making me think about my trauma more than normal and backsliding a bit mentally, which lead to a snowball effect of me ruminating on my past more than I probably should be.
For context, I have a problem with uncertainty. I mean, I have OCD tendencies and potentially OCD in general, the whole thought process behind OCD tends to hinge entirely of uncertainty. So, I thought initially it was something like that. And I know my brain has made more outlandish claims in the past, that essentially weaponised the fact I can't remember most my childhood against me and tend to only remember in little bursts of memory which range from extremely vivid to literally out of body/dreamlike. But, idk if this is just me overthinking, but this seems different. Like, it's much more likely than any of the other types of false beliefs I've had about myself. I hear stories of people recovering traumatic memories all the time, but usually they have an external way of validating it happened. Heck, even with my COCSA experience I had external evidence beyond my own memory. But thats not the case here.
I do have an extremely overactive imagination so I am really hoping its just that, but I cannot shake the anxiety that what I dreamt about happened, especially since the dream was so much more grounded than other dreams like it, and the emotions were very strong. But I also think its totally impossible to prove and is unlikely it happened since the "memory" was so sudden. With prior traumas, I knew it happened logically, had memories of it even if most memory of it was fuzzy cos I avoided thinking about it as much as I could. I have completely erased some memories from my mind before, though. Namely, memories I forgot but my friend or sister remembers, like hiding in a closet during one of my mums mental breakdowns, or the fact the bullying I experienced was apparently much worse than I originally thought but I literally just blocked most of that period of time out. But, even then, I remembered parts of those traumas (like, I remember the milder bullying, and other breakdowns my mum had but not that specific one since they were on and off for most my life so they kinda mix together in my head unless something stand out happened). With the COCSA, I have a range of memories, with a range of how well I remember them, some grossly vivid, others not vivid at all. For a long time, I actively avoided thinking or recalling the memories to the point where I barely thought about it, but when faced with reminders of it I would have sudden and strong memories of it which would really upset me.
So, it doesn't make sense why I would have this one fragment of a memory, granted one that brings very vivid emotions but the memory itself isn't all that clear, and have 0 indication of thinking about it after when normally I usually have something. But perhaps that would be explained by age. Also, this could potentially explain the issues I have had with vaginal intimacy. I hate my vagina being touched, even before the January incident, unless I have a moment to prepare, and sometimes even then I jump. I had bad vaginismus for ages, and was majorly confused as to why since, as far as I remember, most the COCSA was oral and never involved vaginal or touching. (thats another thing, I have thought about if there was touching involved with the cocsa, but when I picture it it doesn't feel real at all, whereas this does cause a level of distress that is beyond the normal "ew what the f*ck brain" you might get at such a thought). But ultimately, I don't know. Part of me feels this is all just me trying to justify my trauma and trauma related emotions because (while I've been improving lately), I still struggle to view my COCSA as "real trauma". But I really have no clue and just feel really scared and worried about it and, try as I might, have been struggling to shake the idea. I don't really think it happened. But it might have.
I was wondering if anyone could provide insight into this. I don't want to think it's real but can't shake the worry it is. My partner has tried asking me what would change if it was real, how would it effect my life since I have already improved my mental health so much, to which I don't have an answer, but an answer to this still feels important. But its impossible to know for sure. Has anyone else experienced this? I assume they must have, I feel like this might actually be more common than I think. If so, what did you do about it?
I wasn't really sure where to to with this one, but its a doozy, and lead to my first mental breakdown in a Wetherspoons bathroom... truly, I have become an adult.
So, as stated in prior posts here, I experienced COCSA, and have experienced a plethora of issues as a result, including but not limited to, issues with intimacy, memory issues, and doubting myself, my memories, my validity as a CSA survivor, etc. And, in January, a friend of mine while drunk triggered very unhappy emotions and memories in me due to behaving in a really horrible way towards my friends and my boyfriend, and ended up touching my privates repeatedly even after I told them to stop to try and get me to let go of them when I had to retrain them to stop them from breaking my partners kitchenware. This deeply upset me, and honestly, I still think about it months later, but have mostly recovered and decided to continue our friendship due to the specific circumstances (which I have wrote about in a post thread)
However, that brings me to the main issue I am having right now. So, a long time ago, I wanna say October November last year, I had a nightmare where I was pretending to be asleep during naptime during nursery. I actually have a memory of being in nursery the last day before I was moving away to a new area, when I was either about to turn 4 or actually 4, saying goodbye to my classmates and looking at our uniform which for some reason stuck in my mind throughout my life. So, I know I can actually remember very very brief moments from when I was that young. In this dream, I was in that same uniform, pretending to sleep, when a nursery worker came up behind me, rubbed me, and began touching my privates, only for a moment or two, but long enough to feel intentional, uncomfortable and wrong. When I woke up, I felt disgusted and confused, but no more than is typical with dreams like that, though I did feel more disturbed by the realism as, while I've dreamt up fictional rapes before, they tended to be completely outlandish, and set when I was a late teen/just turning 18, whereas this felt more real even if it was just a snippet. I assumed it was a weird trauma dream, but occasionally would think about it. More recently, though, I have been thinking about it more and more and it is causing me increasingly large amounts of anxiety. Because now I am worrying it was real, and its a repressed memory, but I have no way of confirming that either way. I believe this was most likely brought about my friends actions towards me, making me think about my trauma more than normal and backsliding a bit mentally, which lead to a snowball effect of me ruminating on my past more than I probably should be.
For context, I have a problem with uncertainty. I mean, I have OCD tendencies and potentially OCD in general, the whole thought process behind OCD tends to hinge entirely of uncertainty. So, I thought initially it was something like that. And I know my brain has made more outlandish claims in the past, that essentially weaponised the fact I can't remember most my childhood against me and tend to only remember in little bursts of memory which range from extremely vivid to literally out of body/dreamlike. But, idk if this is just me overthinking, but this seems different. Like, it's much more likely than any of the other types of false beliefs I've had about myself. I hear stories of people recovering traumatic memories all the time, but usually they have an external way of validating it happened. Heck, even with my COCSA experience I had external evidence beyond my own memory. But thats not the case here.
I do have an extremely overactive imagination so I am really hoping its just that, but I cannot shake the anxiety that what I dreamt about happened, especially since the dream was so much more grounded than other dreams like it, and the emotions were very strong. But I also think its totally impossible to prove and is unlikely it happened since the "memory" was so sudden. With prior traumas, I knew it happened logically, had memories of it even if most memory of it was fuzzy cos I avoided thinking about it as much as I could. I have completely erased some memories from my mind before, though. Namely, memories I forgot but my friend or sister remembers, like hiding in a closet during one of my mums mental breakdowns, or the fact the bullying I experienced was apparently much worse than I originally thought but I literally just blocked most of that period of time out. But, even then, I remembered parts of those traumas (like, I remember the milder bullying, and other breakdowns my mum had but not that specific one since they were on and off for most my life so they kinda mix together in my head unless something stand out happened). With the COCSA, I have a range of memories, with a range of how well I remember them, some grossly vivid, others not vivid at all. For a long time, I actively avoided thinking or recalling the memories to the point where I barely thought about it, but when faced with reminders of it I would have sudden and strong memories of it which would really upset me.
So, it doesn't make sense why I would have this one fragment of a memory, granted one that brings very vivid emotions but the memory itself isn't all that clear, and have 0 indication of thinking about it after when normally I usually have something. But perhaps that would be explained by age. Also, this could potentially explain the issues I have had with vaginal intimacy. I hate my vagina being touched, even before the January incident, unless I have a moment to prepare, and sometimes even then I jump. I had bad vaginismus for ages, and was majorly confused as to why since, as far as I remember, most the COCSA was oral and never involved vaginal or touching. (thats another thing, I have thought about if there was touching involved with the cocsa, but when I picture it it doesn't feel real at all, whereas this does cause a level of distress that is beyond the normal "ew what the f*ck brain" you might get at such a thought). But ultimately, I don't know. Part of me feels this is all just me trying to justify my trauma and trauma related emotions because (while I've been improving lately), I still struggle to view my COCSA as "real trauma". But I really have no clue and just feel really scared and worried about it and, try as I might, have been struggling to shake the idea. I don't really think it happened. But it might have.
I was wondering if anyone could provide insight into this. I don't want to think it's real but can't shake the worry it is. My partner has tried asking me what would change if it was real, how would it effect my life since I have already improved my mental health so much, to which I don't have an answer, but an answer to this still feels important. But its impossible to know for sure. Has anyone else experienced this? I assume they must have, I feel like this might actually be more common than I think. If so, what did you do about it?