My diary of random thoughts

[AnnieMae]

I am so confused! How do you love yourself and see good in yourself when no one else does? I am sad, lonely, and feel hopeless because no one can help me make friends. No one can help me find love. Even though I was treated like crap, lied to and screwed over in bad ways, I miss the feeling of love. This whole situation has ended in me losing a great position at work, giving me legal issues, and straining my relationships with my family. Most of all, it has given me depression and anxiety that I can’t get out of. I want love and a relationship soooo bad, but my situation is so topsy turvy that my life is. I fell to such a deep low mentally that I can’t pull myself out. I am so unmotivated because nothing works. I try things, then give up. Why??? I wasn’t like that before.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Don't give up, it doesn't matter what other people think. It only matters how we see ourselves and because you are here I'm going to assume you are also a fighter. You will make it through this AnnieMae.

 

[AnnieMae]

Don't give up, it doesn't matter what other people think. It only matters how we see ourselves and because you are here I'm going to assume you are also a fighter. You will make it through this AnnieMae.

Thank you, but I’m really not a fighter. I am just sad and lonely. All because I didn’t listen to my ex husband. I’m so tired all the time. Afraid to mess up again, even though he hurt me first. It didn’t matter to anyone. And I have to live with it for the rest of my life. Everything is going down hill because I didn’t stand up for myself. And the more I do, the worse it gets. I can’t stand living with the guilt of getting into trouble and getting arrested. Even though he tackled me. I have no friends anymore. I feel like a huge burden to everyone. ?

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm really sorry @AnnieMae , you don't/didn't deserve the things that happened to you. I know it's hard to be alone, hopefully, with some time that and some of the other things can be chipped away at? Are you in therapy or have you worked on this stuff before? I don't know your story very well. I'm glad you found your way here, I've been helped so much, hope you are too.

 

[AnnieMae]

I am in therapy. The hard thing is when you don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t think I will ever know. And that gives me serious anxiety.

 

[AnnieMae]

Random thoughts- I just wish I had a normal life!!!!! Then, I just pretend things will be ok even though I don’t know that. I try to better myself one way, and the world just tells me NO!!! I feel like constant rejection and giving up. Life is nothing like I thought it would be and I already know I will never have the good times that I used to have back again. It sucks!!!! Then, people don’t trust me because of my anger and anxiety. Damn...He set me up and used it against me. I hate myself for letting it happen.

 

[AnnieMae]

I will always be angry! I will always be pissed! I lost! I lost! I hate my life! Nothing is getting better! I’m still the same person just with PTSD! I will never change! I will always be single, ugly, fat, b*tchy, living at my parent. I feel like such a loser! Everyone talks me out of ideas! Everything that I want! I have to pick sides! I can’t like all people! It’s good vs evil all the time! Just went to the women’s shelter and now I feel like crap! I have soooo much anxiety it is ridiculous! I will always feel this way! I will never be better than him because I am lazy! What the hell is reality! No one can tell me anymore! I had the best life that went to shit at the hands of my ex! I will never be happy again! Nothing ever works out for me!!!! Ever!!!! How the hell would you feel if you were duped! I was made to believe I was beautiful even though I’m not! I will never meet anyone because everyone has a different opinion and I cannot meet anyone!!!!! I am living my nightmare! I am living it! No one knows the truth! I have my opinions but they are

 

[AnnieMae]

Who can really help me? I can’t even help myself or listen to anyone. All of the circumstances messed up my life. And it just keeps getting worse.

 

[AnnieMae]

Too much, too little. Never able to get ahead in life. Cognitive distortions, no. I’m the one in therapy. I’m the one that can’t change. It’s me.

 

[AnnieMae]

Everything I did in life backfired on me! I fu*cked up! My life is not on the right path, I am tired, I have no friend, no excitement. I can’t do anything unless I am with someone else. And all I keep doing is thinking abut shit. All or nothing. Black and white. Nothing will ever be normal again. I want to be married and have children and have parties and family get together saga in! But, no. Not in this lifetime. God hates me waaay too much to save me! So I keep making the same mistakes and being toxic. I am toxic!!!!

 

[AnnieMae]

The problem is that I love someone that doesn’t love me back. And I cannot break the cycle of everything. My whole life is effed! I will never find someone! Nothing will ever be what it seems! I will never, ever, ever find someone and when I do, it will be forever messed up. No one can help me! No one! I can’t even listen to the therapist because I think things will be ok on my own.

 

[AnnieMae]

I will always be a loser with no friends! No life! None of my dreams came true! Only the nightmares! Only the goddamn nightmares came true!!!!! I fell in love with a manipulator! Psychics aren’t real! And I will never have the life I want because I am a “nice” person. All because I don’t listen to him!!!! If only I would have listened to him, things would be different! The fact that he cheated doesn’t matter! The fact that he set me up doesn’t matter! I don’t like the type of guys my therapist tells me to date! I just don’t! Holy crap! I will never find myself, or be in a safe relationship or feel safe to a point where I am not freaking out. My ex completely messed with my head. Cognitive distortions right? It’s all about what you want to believe....but what do you believe if you just don’t know the truth???? Everyone’s opinions are different. The only thing that sucks is if I get into trouble again, I will go to jail. That is probably going to happen at some point and I will be scared shitless! Things are so weird.... When you lose your mind (which I did, from anxiety) then you are told you are not living in reality, you just don’t know what to do. I don’t like the person I am, the person I am becoming, but I could NOT live like my whole work was caving in. Lying on the ground outside crying for no reason screaming help me!!! Or waking up after 2 hours of sleep and running out of the house framing out! Being afraid to sleep. I can’t do this anymore. Was it him or her????? I will never know. And it kills me because I love him. This is so messed up, but I guess a way to get it out, right???? I don’t understand what happened to me. I just want to move on. I really wish I could be normal and have a normal life again. A house, a marriage, but a good one. I don’t know who to be, so I listen to the therapist, but she is not who I want to be either. The only thing is is that when I make my own choices, they backfire in my face.