My diary of random thoughts

[AnnieMae]

What is in my head now- I am effing up my own life up because of the anxiety. I can’t make good choices. I can’t break the cycle. I really can’t do it!!!! Ahhhhhhhh! My whole life is a lie! A lie! I needed him to tell me what to do because he was smart, but he was a manipulator. I hate my life! I will always be this way! Always have triggers, always be in high alert, if not then I am stupid. There is no way to get out of it because I didn’t listen to him! I can’t listen to anyone! Everything is a trigger and if I don’t do things, I am stupid! I can’t stop shopping, smoking or anything. Everything takes time....eff you for telling me that! 2 years ago you told me that doing was better! I effed up my life!!!!!!

 

[AnnieMae]

I am a narcissist, a liar, but I tell the truth! I am so confused. It is not fair that I have to go through all this, but I am still willing to forgive him. What is wrong with me???? He was everything I wanted until he became a complete asshole and effed me up emotionally. I am too weak to rebuild my life! I am too weak to change the way I want. Every attractive man I like doesn’t like me. Everything is a cluster fu*k because of him! My whole life! I cry and cry and freak out all the time. It’s all my fault because I question things. I am not allowed to question. He changed in a good way, I changed for the worst. Now I cannot get out of it! All because I ran away from the anxiety. I still am. I don’t push myself because of it. I am so f*cked! I should have gone with my original attorney. I should have listened to my sister- but no one gets what it is like to lose your mind (from being gaslighted according to the therapist) and not be able to get out! I told him everything about my life and my situation and he used it against me. I will always have these damn mixed feelings because of it and now I am stuck because I have to make my own decisions and that is costing me my life. I am making poorer choices by the minute.

 

[AnnieMae]

More random thoughts- my life is so effed because I couldn’t pick my own attorney. My life is so screwed because I couldn’t listen to my sister. Now, I’m being told to make my own decisions and I am so screwed. Everything is so messed up. I will always be living a lie because he lied. His slate is clean. Mine is dirty forever. The therapist can’t talk me into anything because I know it’s not true. He is lying and his life will get better. I am going to get into trouble. Oh, and I got a new job that I will probably fail at, just like I did with this damn training job. I can’t change in the way I want! It just doesn’t work that way!!!! Not for me!!!! I’m sensitive to the wrong person and now I am so f*cked. I was afraid of getting a PPO on me, now I will. I will because he told me not to f*ck with him.

 

[Anij34]

Hugs! What is your therapist saying? Are the meds at an appropriate level? Have you considered in-patient to get stabilized?

 

[AnnieMae]

Yeah, it’s more psychological than anything. I take meds, and do therapy. It really just life circumstances. I lost my damn mind and I am trying to get it back. Instead of being able to cope with things and change them, I freak out and run away. I am so tired of this. My whole reality has just been flipped upside down and that is why I am so confused. The only way to get it back is to basically hibernate. Which is bad, but I hate the way the world treats me. And I can’t tell if it’s real or just in my head. Then, I find out the hard way it was just in my head. ?

 

[AnnieMae]

I keep the wrong people in my life without knowing who is good and who is bad. No one can truly help me. My ex was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. He is vengeful and mean and set me up to make me look like a nut. Now I am. And now I can’t pull my shit together and move forward. Getting into trouble and being arrested really messed up my life. And I can’t change into a good person. I am so angry and passed at my circumstances and I regret everything I do because of my ex. But his life will always be better than mine. He hates me. Most of all, I hate my life. Nothing is getting better and I am sensitive. Always sensitive. I hate emotions. They suck!

 

[AnnieMae]

No one understands. And ever since my ex told me I am a manipulator, it f*cks with me. He knows it and I still stupidly talk to him and think I’m getting the upper hand but then he flips it on me. Always does. I am not who I thought I was. I thought I was this strong woman who could be on her own- nope! Therapy doesn’t pay my bills, or stop my bad habits. It sure as hell cant erase my criminal record. My life is so screwed!

 

[AnnieMae]

I am slowly but surely realizing that I am not really suffering from PTSD, but that I was a victim of a narcissist. I thought I had everything. Now I have nothing. Including the fact that I lost some of my best friends. I have become totally anti social. Before, I was because I was fine with it. Now I am not. No one can help me be social or have friends. I push everyone away because of what happened but I want to bad to be close to someone. I hate my life. And I can’t do anything to change it. I can only be alone forever. I don’t know who has bad intentions. Except my ex. He lied to me and so many people to use me. Now, I am screwed.

 

[AnnieMae]

Why does everything keep he worse and worse and worse? Nothing gets better. I know what gaslighting is and it happened to me, but no one cares. I lost everyone in my life due to all of this and it’s my fault because I couldn’t control my emotions even though I was gaslighted. My world is so upside down because of everything. I can’t talk to anyone and even when I do it just hurts me. I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I am tired. I am beat up and no one can help me. I will never be good enough for the best. I keep spending money trying to find my answers and it is messing my life up. He won. He beat me. He has a better life, more friends, more fun, married, and everything. I don’t know who to trust or believe anymore and it sucks. I hate my life. Nothing gets better. Nothing works out in my favor. I f*cked yo. I really f*cked up. Listening to psychics and thinking that he would do the right thing. Instead, I have to pay for it. I will pay for my behavior for the rest of my life, and I guarantee that if I finally let my guard down, things will just blow up in my face! ? They always do.

 

[AnnieMae]

No one can truly help me. I have no one. I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. I need help! You can’t take away the pain! You can’t take away the charges! I will never know who I am or what I am about! I have literally drove myself insane thinking about all of this! I can’t get it out of my head! He f*cked with me to make things seem ok and they are not! I will never be calm! I will never be ok alone! I lost my damn mind and can’t pull myself out because I just do not make friends easily. I missed out on an opportunity to make a friend tonight, and it is killing me!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

 

[Ronin]

And ever since my ex told me I am a manipulator, it f*cks with me.

That sounds it might be something to not listen to, if said by an ex, exes are that for a reason.

I am not who I thought I was.

Because someone who messed your life says so?

I thought I was this strong woman who could be on her own

Bad economy is not really telling of personality, or abilities.

I missed out on an opportunity to make a friend tonight

That is one night. Im sure you can try the next time.

 

[AnnieMae]

I am so screwed- my life is going to hell in a hand basket and no one can help me. I used to have so much fight and spunk in me. I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I am so confused right now. I am not ready for this. I really have no one because I am a loner. I have no one to help me, everything is completely upside down and I can’t fix it. I made someone feel bad today, and I’m sure I will tomorrow. In fact, I know I will. Because I can’t fix the problem, I can’t feel better. This is so stupid, but these damn psychic readings really messed up my life. And I can’t take it anymore. I am going on a date with a guy that I know is waaaay to good for me, but I can’t take it. And then the last will come out. I was arrested. I was arrested. And my ex is going to be a lawyer. Fml! He wanted to hurt me and he did. I am going to be alone, and on meds for the rest of my life because I didn’t do the right thing. Other people can justify their actions, I cannot. Stupid psychic readings! Damn! I wish I didn’t lose my damn mind after he tackled me! All the lies and now I’m living a lie. ? I don’t want to talk about it to people, but I will never be the same. I’m getting myself into sooo much trouble it is insane! I am such a loser for being that way! He set me up! Now, I’m going on a date with a guy that I am pretty sure is playing me and when he finds out what happened, he will not believe it!