My interactive diary; majority of my memories are blank.

[Lost in Idaho]

When I look back on my past I do remember some good times. I remember a handful of really crappy times. I remember a lot of they were there times. But the majority is blank. Blank from thoughts, feelings, blank as if i didn't exist. Sitting here listening to the teenage drama around the house keeps reminding me of just how different life is now. I have been very vague talking to my oldest while trying to explain why i want her to be careful but haven't told my youngest anything and i haven't shared any real details for fear of scaring them or making them look at me differently.

 

[Esterio]

Hi there Lost in Idaho welcome.
Blank from thoughts feeling and having times with no memory just seem to be a part of ptsd. Someone told me it is your brain protecting you. That scares the hell out of me having these blank periods I have a lot of blanks that need to be filled in. So if it is my brain trying to protect me I want to know what else happened to me that my brain feels the need to protect me from what. It is a big question.
You have come to a good safe place for us to share and support each other. You will find that here. Again welcome.
Peace be safe

 

[Lost in Idaho]

Thank you and I completely agree on the part of if it's blanking out to protect me what else happened that i don't remember or haven't been informed of happening. My hard part is I still talk to 1 person who is part of my problem. I have thought a lot about it and have been proud of myself for not just putting someone in jail and never knowing how much they have changed. And always being scared of if i ran into them again how would it make me feel... so...i decided to take that power away from others to decide what would be best for me and i listened to the words that people would preach to me about how good doesn't give you more than you can handle. And how i shouldn't judge because that is for god to do..... I'm not a religious person but am trying to believe that there is something i can do now and for the last 20 years i have been able to let go of the being scared of being around that person and have actually been able to have good moments and some new memories. I have been able to see a big change in that person. I'm still working on forgiveness... But while I'm trying to do what i believe is right on one hand i can also see other differences in myself. I've had multiple people, events, and ECT... to add to my issues and i just got remarried almost a month ago and my husband works around other females and no i don't have anything as a reason to not trust him but yet it seems like my paranoia won't let me shut up.. it's like there's another person trying to stab me in the back and trying to chase him away while in my head I'm heading shut up shut up shut up. I love him and am trying to figure all this stuff out that's why I'm on here. I'm ting to understand this more.

 

[Esterio]

Life has not been kind to us. All these things you say are all related to ptsd and what ever happened to us. I think that CSA destroyed my life. I have not found any forgiveness yet. So you have had ECT I have been told it can wipe your memory clean. talking about this stuff is some of the worst times in my life bring it up it is almost worse than when it happened.
Peace be safe

 

[Lost in Idaho]

I was confused by the reply to ECT. I apologize for the misdirection. I do not mean electro convulsive therapy. I looked it up to better understand the reply. I was just meaning etcetera and didn't realize my phones auto text changed what i put. I am sorry about what you have had to deal with. I know that ptsd is starting to make a lot of sense as I'm learning more. I never knew what was wrong with me and at least now i have something to help me understand. It's weird that i feel so much more comfortable talking on here instead of to my therapist.

 

[Esterio]

You will learn lots here this is a good place as done a world of good for me just to not be alone is big. It is easier to talk here. The more you post threads the more you learn just be careful of over load. Take breaks and be kind to yourself. We are not going to fix this over night. I think we are in for the long haul. I hate that auto correct it screws with me all the time. I am glad you are feeling comfortable to talk I have let a lot of things out here that have never been said any where else. I have not been posting as much anger has been in the way and I can't think proper when angry.
Peace be safe

 

[Lost in Idaho]

That's how i get. The first couple days it was really hard to put my phone down. I just kept reading posts and it started making me feel less crazy realizing that in not so different in how I've been feeling. Thank you to you and all the others on here for sharing your stories with me and for being there got me to share my story.

 

[DandylionWishes]

Hi,

I have a 10yr giant gap in my memory. I know that black hole contains very important & many happy memories (the births and early years of my children's lives), yet I struggle with the concept of tampering with a defense mechanism built inside our brains.

I can't get beyond the belief that this amnesia is within us by design, just like our immune system, and should not be tampered with.

Yes... I am aware I'm currently firmly stationed in denial. I'm cozy here? IDK

~ Namaste

 

[Lost in Idaho]

Right now I'm so tired and i want to go to sleep but can't quit thinking. I talk to 1 of my childhood abusers on a regular basis and while the biggest part of me had no fear, no worries, the other part gets angry at him for things that should just be annoying. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. Tomorrow is my husband's work picnic and i keep feeling

 

[Lost in Idaho]

I went ahead and posted the last one cause or wtote it last night and i fell asleep while writing it. Right now I'm on my way to his company picnic. Last night he was embarrassed because the younger female he works with sent out a mass text to him and several others for work related stuff and he accidentally texted her and everyone else attached to the text saying i love you thinking he was texting me. Then this morning knowing that she's going to be there my paranoia of how i look started sky rocketing making me almost sick to my stomach. I got a shower threw on plain everyday clothes and started to head In. As I'm backing out of my driveway had to miss judge and backed into a fence post completely busting out my tail light. Now with paranoia and anger I'm still trying to smile as I'm headed to his company picnic. I wish these feelings could just disappear. At the moment i kind of wish i could disappear. Wish me luck.

 

[Lost in Idaho]

Well I'm at the picnic. Not really anything going on. Feeling out of place big time

 

[The Albatross]

Hope it goes well for you Idaho!