My Mind Won't Register Things

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi,

I'm posting this in the flashbacks&dissociation subforum because I think this is a form of dissocistion. I'm not sure, though, so I apologise in advance if this is incorrect.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how I'm living my life and how things are affecting me. I've found out that it almost constantly feels like I'm living in a dream: just floating, not really registering anything. It shows in small things, like sometimes I will have an object in my hand and cannot for the life of me figure out when and how it got there. But I also unintentionally zone out in conversations.

The worst part is those times when I'm very hypervigilant again (this is one of my strongest symptoms), because I will for example want to check if I turned off the stove and 1 min later I have to check it again because I have simply not registered if it was on or off. I can vaguely remember that I got up to check, but the part of actually checking is almost completely gone. So every night I end up checking things 5 times or so because I cannot differentiate between a dream state and reality.
Sometimes I slightly hurt myself by for example pressing my fingernails into my arms, just as an attempt to feel something again.

Does anyone recognise this? Does it sound like a continuous form of dissociation or something? And do you perhaps have any tips to help me get 'back to earth'? This is starting to really freak me out.

 

[shimmerz]

Sounds to me like you are floating in between states, not fully out of each one, since you can vaguely remember having turned off the stove. Is it possible for you to grab an ice cube and hold it in your hand or throw it in your mouth when you go to check the stove? I found that doing that would bring me back into my body and it may be less harmful than digging your nails into yourself.

Also, when I used to sleep for days, I noticed I hadn't even gone to the bathroom (or didn't remember having done so). I would place a stuffed animal on the toilet to see if I had moved it, just to check whether I was forgetting or whether my body had actually shut down for that long. I wonder if you were 'here' enough to do so, if you could place something somewhere that says to you 'I checked the stove'. Something unique to that task so that you can use it to say 'ah, xyz is beside me, therefore I have turned off the stove'. I used to use these tricks quite often. Not sure if it is reasonable for you, but it was very helpful for me.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I can relate to what you are saying. Some times I ask people a question, and I'm genuinely interested, but I can't register their answer. Even if it's super simple. Today I asked a guy where cutlery goes on the table (the places of the knives and spoons and forks). He told me but I didn't capture the answer. So I just took a lucky guess.

This happens a lot....! I think it happens to a lot of people with ptsd. I have seen it being discussed around the forum some times. I only have the dream state reality from time to time though. I never really do anything to try to get out of it because it's so numbing and I can't think very straight when I'm in it. Do you think it would help to say something out loud to yourself or maybe watch a short movie or put on music?

Something like that to zap you out of the dissociating. I never tried it so it's just a wild guess.

 

[cindymolly]

I use ice cubes like @shimmerz suggested, they are good. Or a hot shower, same thing, stimulates your body, gets you back. I also try to count down in 7s if I remember to, I name colours / objects around me out loud, I journal even 'I am dissociated etc etc' helps you realise and be mindful of what's going on, which can help ground you. If I'm totally gone there's not much I can do at the moment but things do get easier as I practise...

 

[Over the rainbow]

Wow I thought was the only one, this has happened to me my whole life.
In school and home I was torture bullied (worse than bullied, things done to me considered torturous).
At home I wasn't allowed to cry, and I refused to let the bullies see me cry, so I began pinching my arms to remind myself to "suck it up"
Before long it became to where I would scratch my skin until it bled, a release that only lasted a few seconds.
I have always zoned out when I am at my lowest. It is like living in a nightmare, my thoughts will be consumed with horror, and my body was just there. Movements seemingly slow and it feels like I'm outside my body just looking.
It's when my pain Is at it's worst and my mind and body are not together, tremendous heart ache and a headache usually with it.
It started at age six, it's when my
First obsessions with suicide began.
My daughter is six now, and I look at her and can't imagine that small little thing wanting to die as I did.
Try and get out, even if it's just the store. It's best to make yourself be around people Or a person who you feel
Safe with.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@shimmerz and @cindymolly I like the icecube idea. I don't have an ice tray yet, but I'll get one some time this week. Moving things around might be useful, too, but I'd have to be sure I do remember moving it or putting it back in place. And that could be a tough one. But I have a stuffed animal, so I'll give it a try :)
I also like the idea of acknowledging I'm dissociating. Maybe by directly confronting myself, I can snap out of it more easily.

I have some lucid moments throughout the day. Sometimes I don't need to check things 5 times because I can process it after 2 tries. It gets harder when I'm stressed.

@Radise I know what you mean: when I'm so dissociated I usually don't notice. It's only until I'm confronted with it, for example by my hypervigilance or within a conversation, that I realise it's happening again. It really sneaks up on you, doesn'it?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@Over the rainbow I'm so sorry you're suffering so much. It makes me so angry that someone would hurt a child! Of all the wrong a person can do, abusing a child is one of the worst kinds. I know what you mean by feeling like you're living a nightmare, but you're body's just there. That's much like how I felt when I was raped. It's terrifying, because it's like you're locked up in your own body and you can't do anything about it.

But when you know what hell is like, you know even more than others how important it is to take good care of the people you love. So I am convinced that you will always make sure your daughter feels loved and protected. And that is a beautiful thing.

 

[joeylittle]

@Snowwhite, you can also freeze an orange, or a lemon. All of the cold and none of the drip.

 

[shimmerz]

All of the cold and none of the drip.

Smart.....! Wish I had know that years ago. Thanks @joeylittle ! Grapes maybe too?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@joeylittle that is a great idea! Thanks. Your little slogan "all of the cold and none of the drip" made me smile. Sounds like something that could be in a commercial for PTSD sufferers: "are you also tired of cleaning up pools of water whenever you try to get out of dissociation? Try freez' o fruit. All of the cold and none of the drip!" :D

 

[joeylittle]

:D Thanks, @Snowwhite - I needed a good laugh. Much appreciated! :tup:
@shimmerz - frozen grapes are excellent for eating. But they don't have a firm enough skin to contain their own moisture when they melt. Any fruit with a high water content and a fairly non-permeable skin will work, but that's mostly the description for oranges and lemons. You don't want the skin TOO think, because the frozen liquid is on the inside, if that makes sense. Oranges are also nice because they are ball-sized, they fit well in the hand.

 

[shimmerz]

Ahhhhh, I meant to pop in the mouth. Got it @joeylittle, you meant to hold. Myself, I used to literally suck on lemons to deal with dissociation. My mistake.