My Mother

[Let It Be]

Here I am almost 60 years old, and I am still dealing with the affects of the emotional abuse by my mother.

I am wondering as this does cause so much anxiety in me, is what to do when I receive that phone call. My mother turned 88 years old last month and I have gone a year without talking to her. Since I have so much down time now, I am really trying to heal from her abuse. She wished I had never been born and my sister was her favorite and she knows it.

The counselor told me to stop talking to her which I did a year ago and doesn't think I should ever see her again.

How have you dealt with someone who caused the ptsd? Do you go to their funeral? Just feeling so alone as have done so much work in letting people who used me as a doormat go. Thanks for your help...

 

[Deleted member 541]

Whether you go to your mothers funeral or not, well IMO that's a personal choice... I can tell you that I stopped talking/seeing my mother for a couple of years before she died, and that I did not go to her funeral when she passed.

It took me awhile to be able to go to the cemetery, and to this day when I do go, I go to visit with my grandfather mostly.

Good luck with your decision...

 

[Noone.]

Hello LIB.

I think I would handle things a little differently.
I feel that I would have to go to her tell her what I think and let her see that
besides all her abuse and lack of attention,
that I am strong I will survive and continue to live with a clean soul.
Weither you choose to forgive is up to you but at least you will have choosen to
speak and maybe only then will you be free of these chains.

Take care.

FIRE.

 

[Let It Be]

Thank you for your replies...

I just know that I'm dealing with something at the present...I have lived in this town since the 70's as I married someone I had known for only a month to get out of the home. We moved here and then a year later he was killed in a car accident. I guess I want to move forward as he was emotionally and physically abusive to me, so more ptsd, so no dates since then...

Just know that there are a lot of triggers going on with me right now. Even having flashbacks now...of seeing my mother drunk and being the oldest...

I even got mad at my brother last month for taking her out for Mother's Day. I told him that I had listened to her complain about him for hours and hours and I had listened to him complain about her for hours and hours and then he takes her out for Mother's Day. My counselor asked me if I was "resenting" the fact that he took her out as he could if he wanted to.

I believe I needed to acknowledge that I was being triggered.

I am so glad to be here...

 

[Frankie]

Hi Let it be,

I try believe in the power of talking and not keeping anything inside as it only creates more resentment and more anger as times goes on and the only way to heal and to set you free is to face whatever triggered you.

It will not change your past, and will probably not change your mother, but at least you will have faced her.

Fire has very good points and I agree totally with what he said.

Frankie

 

[midi]

If you need to get closure with your mother, maybe you can write her a letter and send it? Or maybe you can write a letter and burn it?

People are who they are and sometimes those abusers just happen to be our parents. My mother honestly thought she was doing me good by making me know early on that girl children are just sex objects/servants for men - her loyalty lies with the predators, so I don't talk to her. No matter what, I couldn't force her to see that girl children are just as worthy of protection and caring as boy children - she openly supports a different way of thinking.

So all I can do is take care of myself and accept that abusive parents often believe in what they are doing. I'll never get resolution with my mother. I don't feel a need to go to her funeral - that old 'you'll feel guilty when she dies' crap is just more propaganda to try and keep the abused in line for more abuse.

I'd say go with your gut feeling on any action involving your mother.

 

[Manic11]

Dear LetItBe,
I'm sorry for your struggle. That's rough. But when I read the part about the funeral one thing came to mind.

When I was younger, I had this friend who was constantly getting beat up by his dad. Finally he fought back and ended up hurting his dad for a change. My friend ended up leaving the house, moving in with some friends and having no contact with his father. He still, however, spoke to his father.
A few years later, his father had a heart attack at work one day. He did not make it. His mother asked if he was going to attend the funeral and my friend replied...
"He was not a part of my life so why should I be there just because his has ended?"

This just reminded me of what he said. The decision is up to you. I hope I didn't offend you in anyway with my story...

I wish you the best.

Manic

 

[Marlene]

My biggest abuser was my brother. My father was my longest abuser. And my mother was the person that enabled both of them. My father's death was the catalyst for all of the insanity in my life in the past six years (PTSD related and otherwise). I think back to his funeral and I feel nothing. I'm completely ambivelant about that particular happening. Even remembering my grief has that overlay of 'Whatever...don't care anymore' on it.

Even though my brother and I are in our 40's, I've made my decision to cut him out of my life completely. Hence, whenever or where ever his funeral will be is of no consequence to me. As to my mother's...she told me after my sister's funeral that she didn't want any sort of service, memorial or anything. I hope she sticks to it. I honestly don't know if I could or would attend her funeral.

Echoing what others have said here...it's a personal choice and one you have to make for yourself. A friend of mine told me once that 'You only have to do what you can live with'.

Lisa

 

[becvan]

I have also cut out my mother due to abuse. It's been a few years now.

I have no plans to attend her funeral. Funerals are for those who miss and love the one that died, it gives them a chance to grieve and to have closure to say good-bye. I am not one of those people.

You will have to decide if you think a funeral will benefit you in anyway and then if you will go from there.

A word of caution about confronting your abuser. Before considering doing such a thing, it would be wise if you decide what your reason for doing so would be (I know you didn't say you were doing it... but since it was suggested to you.) Parents who emotionally abuse their children rarely ever admit to it and confronting them just gives them another opportunity and more ammo to keep abusing. So if confronting them is all about having the abuse acknowledged or how much it hurt you, I would highly suggest thinking twice about it and speaking to your therapist first. If you just want to get it off your chest and don't feel emotionally vulnerable then I say go for it.

I think closure usually has to come from within ourselves when it comes to that type of abuse.

bec

 

[justme4]

I have one word of caution when it comes to confronting an 88 year old parent. As the ages process progresses the cognitive funtioning decreases in many. While it would be great if she accepted what she did, she may not have the cognitive functioning to to processes the conversation much less be able to take a step back and evaluate it. If your looking for answers you may just have as much success talking to a tree, at least they don't yell back.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I also agree with bec.......When I was being hospitalized at one time for attempted suicide, there was a poster on the wall, and I have never forgotten what it said.......

To ask your abuser why, is to open the door for more abuse......

There have been many times I would have liked to ask why, but I always remember that statement......

 

[dust]

Hi LIB,

I don't see my mother now and I feel a lot better for it. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see her again/live in dread of seeing her again. I do know that I have to protect myself first and foremost - that while even a tenuous connection can set me off I need to stay away...

What is being spoken of here reminded me of my relationship with my mother. I didn't attach to her as a child, so don't really have a sense of love for her. Do you love her or are you going through motions, anticipating doing something you should do rather than something you want to do?

Look after yourself first is my opinion.

dust