My Mums Nearly Gone Not Sure How To Deal With It

[Sammyiam]

Hi everyone,


As most of you know my Mum has been really sick for the past 8 to 10 months ( around bout ) and I just got a call and it is expected that she won't be coming out of the hospital and the doctors have said it isn't looking good and she is deteriorating fast. I knew it was coming but I think it has just hit me that it's getting a lot closer. She has done this a few times before but always managed to pick back up. This time sounds and feels different as more of her body shuts down, it is getting harder to pick back up.

I don't think I will ever get the I love you that I always wanted to hear so so bad, or the hug and to be able to feel her close to me, the touch the smell, I will never know what they all feel like. I though she might soften up as time got closer and maybe change but it hasn't happened if anything she has gotten further away and more distant. I just want it all so bad and I'm running out of time.

I just don't know what I should be feeling at this point, have any of you got any wonderful wise words that will help me to try and understand what I should be feeling, as at this point in time I have no idea anymore.

I'm not sure where I should post this I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place.

Sorry


Sammy

 

[Em C.]

*hugs* I'm sorry I can't fix it but please PM me if you need to talk!

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh dear @Sammyiam I'm so sorry. :( :cry:

I don't think it's likely that it's possible for her to come through like that (to tell you she loves you or realize & ask for forgiveness or hug you do any of the things she should have), but that is also possibly (now) because of illness, (medication too).

No great words of wisdom, but you can PM me too. You are both in my thoughts & prayers, promise. Xox.

 

[Lionheart]

@Sammyiam

I am sending you hugs and offering up prayers, for whatever it may be worth. I am so sorry that you and your mum are going through this. I have no clue how things will go, but either way, you have my support and friendship and you may PM me anytime you wish to.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, there is nothing you *should* be feeling at this point. Grief is a funny, funny thing. Yes, there are five stages of grief, but some people only hit on a few, some bounce around all of them, and some go through all of them sequentially. (I personally think the "stages" bit is a misnomer, but that's just me.)

My grandfather died last year and he was the least favorite of all my grandparents, but his death hit me the worst. I would bounce from being perfectly fine to wanting to rage at everyone, to feeling like the world was collapsing in on me....all within the span of an hour. This would happen multiple times throughout the day.

Don't let anyone tell you what you "should" be feeling because there is no right way to feel. Try and take it all as it comes and be kind to yourself.

 

[sun seeker]

(((sammy)))

I'm so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom either, and I refuse to use platitudes. It's just a very sad thing all around. I can so relate to your longing for those things she never gave you.

 

[Recovery4Me]

[QUOTE="Don't let anyone tell you what you "should" be feeling because there is no right way to feel. Try and take it all as it comes and be kind to yourself.[/QUOTE] ~solara

Those are some wise words from Solara...(((Sammy))). I do feel your pain, darling.

Often acceptance of what is, instead of what 'could have been or could be' allows a closure inside. Acceptance can offer a calm before the storm, a slowing from those desperate cat scratching measures for an desired outcome. Thus you may find a comfort inside grounding you to your center during her final moments.

Possible ways to meet some of your needs and give to her:
You mentioned touch...
brush her hair, apply cream to sooth her skin on her hands, maybe lip balm or just be courageous and give her a hug.
You mentioned smell...
pick a light fragrance that both of you can enjoy...gently apply to a linen hanky and lightly dab or stroke the sides of her throat or behind the ears. Keep that ritual up daily until you have some of her scent on the hanky.

Pamper her and fill some of your longings at the same time. Sometimes we mother others and heal a part of ourselves.
Prayers for you and her for a connection during this season.:hug:

 

[ms spock]

Given how horrible your mother was when you last saw her in hospital, to the point that your husband had to leave as he was so disgusted by the vile filth that she was saying to you, the way she put you down, how she played your sister against you and so forth, I would suggest being cautious.

Whatever happens - if she is horrible to you again or if she is nice to you for one of the first times in your life, you are going to feel pretty low afterwards.

There is no getting this right. There is no right feelings to feel.

I imagine that there is only a fair bit of pain to deal with at this stage, whichever way it goes.

If you have hopes of her that is human, if you don't have hopes of her that is human.

PM me if you want again Sammy.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with you - that is the gift she has given you and unfortunately that is the gift that keeps on giving.

 

[theotherside]

So sorry to hear..my thoughts are with you.

 

[Tanishq]

@Sammyiam A Gentle Hug to you. :hug: I have no words to say. I am here.

 

[Sammyiam]

Thank you very much @Em C. , @Junebug @Lionheart777 your words are very much with me.

@Solara I will try and remember the should, thank you

@sun seeker , I do feel sad thanks

@Recovery4Me , thank you so much for those tips, but .... There's always a but.
She isn't that sort of mum I haven't touched her for over 14 years and that was the day my dad died, I thought I should do the right thing and I went over to her as he died and went to give her a hug she pulled away and stiffened up like a hard piece of wood. It was horrible and I haven't done it since. She would never allow me to put cream on her she is very distant and does not let me near her.. I really thought your tips would be great maybe next time around hopefully. Thank you for your kind words.

@Ms Spock , I know you know how it feels thanks

@theotherside , thanks for the thoughts.

I went to visit tonight and she isn't good, my sister meet me there and I took my grandson over to see her, it's just a waiting game now. No one knows how long that is. It's the one question no one can answer for any of us.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts I will be thinking of you all

Sammy

 

[Sammyiam]

@Tanishq

Thank you my friend I know you are here for me.

Thanks

Sammy