Relationship My ptsd partner is pulling away....

[EveHarrington]

I think the key is understanding the nature of numbing and what I call "feeling permanence"-----i.e. just like objects exist when we can't see them, feelings exist even when we can't feel them. Say what? Yes, I've found this to be true. I speak as someone who has been dealing with numbness for many years and it's taken me almost as long to conquer this "skill". Numbness doesn't kill feelings, it just renders them ineffective. It's also important to learn how to rekindle feelings to their former levels once the numbness lifts.

I've seen countless posts like yours about sufferers who cave to the numbness......no doubt, time and time again like I once did. I'm here to say it doesn't have to be this way. However it takes an incredible amount of self awareness on the part of the sufferer and a willingness on the part of both the sufferer and supporter to fight through these episodes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow @EveHarrington , very wise.

 

[confusedpartner]

thank you, I know you are right, although I'm finding it difficult to stay patient and supportive. She must know I'm going through hell but I do not feel much compassion coming from my sufferer right now. She seems so shut off from me lately. I am doing my best to educate myself about what she is going through but I'm still finding it extremely hard not to take it personally. She says she still has hope for us but she does not seem to be trying to make me feel better about myself or this situation. She is packing her things and moving out tomorrow and seems excited to leave and get her own place. She seems content to become isolated and closed off from me. It's so hard to see her be excited about leaving and to see her be her brightest self around others while she is numb and distant with me. She is constantly prioritizing her friends over our relationship. She used to be appreciative of my patience and support and into our relationship, but right now I don't feel her love at all. I know I need to be understanding and not get upset with her because she is experiencing so much more than I could imagine but I find her behaviour toward me to be hurtful and damaging. I've read so much about her struggles but I still cannot begin to grasp what has happened to the love between us. I want to be a comfort to her but I feel like that's the last thing she wants. I want her to be a comfort to me but she seems incapable of that right now. I'm finding it hard extremely hard to navigate my way through this and find the understanding to be patient with her. I'm worried I am being taken advantage off.

 

[anonymous]

She is constantly prioritizing her friends over our relationship.

How?

I'm finding it hard extremely hard to navigate my way through this and find the understanding to be patient with her.

maybe the break will be good for you then?

If your worried about being taken advantage of then maybe you just need to move on, I doubt she’s trying to make your life miserable.

 

[Willowtree]

Why is it that every time a supporter has their own feelings or needs and expresses them, and the fact that they are struggling as well, we are told to "move on"

Is a supporter just supposed to take everything with no expectations of their sufferer take responsibility for their own mental health or no expectations of communication to let that person know what's going on for them.

I'm sorry but I read a lot of move ons and things about supporters who are just supposed to roll over and drool or forget about the person.

Arent relationships a 2 way street? I agree there are special provisions given to those with mental health issues, I for one bent over backwards for my sufferer. But it seems like we aren't allowed to feel lonely or that we miss this part of our sufferer that we knew before. Moving on is not something that one wants to do....obviously If we are on this site, it's because we need help and are reaching out for support, relating and knowledge.

No offence anonymous, this is not an attack on you. I just see a lot of people who come here for support and are told well if it bothers you that much just move on.

We all have emotions, feelings, etc that need to be heard and validated. Whether or not we are a sufferer or supporter

 

[anonymous]

I’m sorry if I’m sounding insensitive, @Willowtree but if the sufferer just started back at the Uni full-time then it’s logical that she’d be stressed and symptoms would flare.

 

[Freida]

Arent relationships a 2 way street? I agree there are special provisions given to those with mental health issues, I for one bent over backwards for my sufferer. But it seems like we aren't allowed to feel lonely or that we miss this part of our sufferer that we knew before. Moving on is not something that one wants to do..

@Willowtree you are exactly right. I cannot imagine what my supporters are going thru when I'm off on a tangent because I have no idea it is happening. And then I come back and they are still there. Then its up to ME to try to make sure they know how much I appreciate their support and that they are sticking it out with me. And I'm ashamed to say I don't do that enough. I look at them through my lens of numbness and totally forget that they are feeling things I can't imagine. I am lucky that my supporters range from super mouthy (hey! you've been a raging bitch bring me wine - sister) to inhumanely patient (oh hi hunny - you are back. want to go out to dinner? - Hubby)

I have learned so much from supporters since joining this site - it has made me feel uhmm.. ...well hell..its made me feel something -- now I just need to get a name on it! And it is making me a better partner but it still isn't easy.

@confusedpartner - this is what you are up against. The pain and cluelessness of the sufferer and the pain and stress of the supporter. Stay together or live apart - if you are with one of us you will have to accept that it will never be a "normal" relationship. Now, with that being said you also need to know it can be a successful relationship! Hubby and I are coming up on our 24 year anniversary. We have had our challenges, and its gotten worse as I've gotten deep into counseling, but we are still here, still happy, still growing together. It takes a lot of commitment from both of us, a lot of conversations, a lot of agreement on the "rules".... But it can be done.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why is it that every time a supporter has their own feelings or needs and expresses them, and the fa...

I don't think sufferers say "move on" as if it's something easy to do.

I think "move on" is oftentimes said so that the supporter doesn't get into the world of magical thinking in which the bad/undesirable behavior is ALL ptsd and one day the sufferer is going to wake up, realize their mistake, and come running back. Many sufferers leave and never look back. Do you know how many broken hearts I've left in my wake? It's kind of crazy. My behavior gets chalked up to a mental illness and they think I'll come back. I never do. I get over the relationships fairly quickly. They don't. It's not something I'm proud of, but never had a desire to change, either.

I think the "move on" sentiment is more about focusing on yourself and your needs. Yeah, we have ptsd, but never should that EVER trump a supporters needs! (Ever!!!) The hard part is determining what those needs are and being able to walk away when someone can't provide that for you.

Adding.....

I mean nobody will ever be able to always meet your needs in every moment. What I mean is that a supporter shouldn't sacrifice larger needs.

 

[Freida]

@EveHarrington brilliantly said!

 

[Willowtree]

@anonymous

No you didn't come off insensitive, and my comment was NOT directed towards you at all, I see it a lot across the board. And i totally understand why you say it. Sometimes it is hard to read over and over again when your looking for encouragement and help.

I tell you, when i first came to this forum I was feeling more desperate, low, and confused and lost, then I ever have in my life!!

I have gained a huge knowledge from sufferers and supporters alike on here. Just always good to hear what helps/doesn't help from both sides. Supporters are sensitive too!! PTSD or not, its fragile waters to navigate, isnt it??

 

[confusedpartner]

Thank you. Yes I agree a bit of a break will be good for both of us but I find her decision to completely move out to be a bit drastic. Maybe moving on is the best thing to do but it is incredible hard because I want to support her and she says she still wants to be in the relationship. Maybe we can make it work living apart but it seems like her feelings towards me have gone totally cold. She says that its just that she is numb right now and unable to feel clearly but to me I just feel complete rejection and can't grasp how she could be so disconnected from me to the point where she is unable to comfort me while I have a hard time with her decision to move. Last night was out last night together in our house, she stayed out past three in the morning and I was unable to sleep. When she got home she came to bed and pretended to go straight to sleep without talking to me. I had an anxiety attack lying right next to her and she just kept laying there until she really fell asleep. I'm finding hard to trust that she really cares about me. How far can I let her PTSD excuse her emotional neglect? How strong and independent do I need to be? Will her affection come back to me? I feel like I'm doing everything for her but she is giving back so little. Why do her symptoms seem to be directed toward me while she can be fun and excited with her friends? Is it really so impossible for her to be sweet and nice to me? how can I know what is symptomatic of ptsd and what is just insensitive behaviour?

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you're at risk of excusing bad behavior with ptsd.

In the end, does it matter why she acts the way that she does?

Yes, leeway is good. But when it's to the point of someone making conscious decisions to do things like move out, does it really do you any good to excuse it as a ptsd effect? I think it might be best to accept it at face value. (I know it royally sucks!)

I'm in a relationship right now that's fairly new (July). My boyfriend is incredibly forgiving when it comes to my ptsd reactions-----how I react when triggered or in a fear/anger state. Needing space is given, although he doesn't like it. (He prefers contact.) Checking out of a relationship in the way your partner has done would be a no go for us. It would hurt him so much and it wouldn't be fair to him. He refuses to be the only person fighting for our relationship. In reality, it never works when only one person is fighting for the relationship. And, it sounds like you are the only one in your relationship who is fighting for the relationship. She's already exited the relationship but is throwing you a few bones by saying she's still in it imho.

I fear she's stringing you along and you're going to end up hurt in the end.

It's your right to set down requirements like needing a partner who is all in.

Will her feelings come back? I'm doubting so as she's moving in the direction of the exit door.

I think it's important to remember that even though this is an effect of ptsd, she is making a conscious decision to do these things.