My T advised me to divorce

[Tinyflame]

asking him these kinds of questions feels "codependent-ish," especially when the goal is for him to do (anything). I'm trying to focus on increasing my ability to feel happy and peaceful despite anything people around me are going through.

I'm sorry I can't properly do a response justice as I don't know the back story, if you have children, etc. I'm not sure if you said you were working, or he is working 3 jobs. Just to say, I think I would concern myself less with codependency and think of basic communication:. You are right to realize your own happiness has to be within much of your own control. But one person cannot communicate alone, and communication between both people is a bare necessity for a relationship.

I also would look at options other than moving back to your parents.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

It kind of came out of nowhere and this is the second of our monthly sessions she's given me this advice. Last month it was "you've come so far and you should get the opportunity to find someone as healthy as you are", which I immediately responded to with, "If everyone has childhood trauma, like you say, and less than 10% of us work though it, like you say, then it's extremely unlikely I'll be able to find someone who I'm attracted to, is single, is in my area, and has resolved all his childhood trauma." I guess she conceded defeat on that one since she didn't bring it up in the last session.

Back story (which I hadn't considered): she's convinced her husband has unresolved childhood trauma that causes their martial woes and the last time she did a mediation retreat she talked about being annoyed that her relationship issues keep popping into her mind and distracting her. It's only as I type this that I realize both that maybe her husband has something other than trauma going on and it's awfully codependent of her. ?

I love both of these realisations! :) :)

 

[rightkindofme]

"I know she thinks my husband's dysthymia is because of some trauma he's repressed from his mom's own depression, which (she believes) caused his sister's bipolar, which caused our niece's ADHD"

That part jumped out at me. It is 100% unprofessional for her to be commenting on the various mental disorders of people who are not her patients. That's literally wrong of her. I would slap that down instantly.

 

[HealingMama]

For 10 years I've been seeing my T for my PTSD from being stalked by my exBF after I broke up with him because I caught him fondling my best friend while she was unconscious. My T readily admits she specializes in trauma and isn't good with relationship dynamics.

That being said, I'm having trouble sleeping after our session today because she advised that I give my husband (who was recently diagnosed with ADD and Dysthymia) an ultimatum that he either medicates his conditions or I leave him. She said she worries that I'm being treated less than I deserve and that he's purposefully forgetting to call the psychiatrist our couple's therapist has recommended and that I'm staying with him out of codependency and that if I left him it might be the "rock bottom" that convinces him to medicate his conditions.

In my view, divorcing him in the hopes that he'll take medication because of the divorce seems like the very definition of codependency. Our dog was just diagnosed with dementia and I can't stand the thought of moving out with her while she's having trouble with her routine life (nevermind a completely new life!). And I also can't stand the thought of leaving her with a man who's unable to remember to shut the back door before going to sleep (on the couch because he can only fall asleep while playing video games). If anything I'm being codependent with our dog!

I feel frustrated that I've worked really hard, on her advice, to stop gauging my happiness on my romantic relationships and now she's contradicting that advice. Yes, my husband has dysthymia and no, he DOESN'T treat me like I deserve (like he did for the half of our marriage before the Dysthymia), but he also puts checks on the fridge "so he won't forget to deposit them" and, 15 months later, has yet to deposit them. He's been blaming his job for his unhappiness, but has switched jobs twice and is finally admitting that "if you smell dog sh*t everywhere you go it's time to check your own shoes" instead of blaming the room you're currently in or all the people in it. He's just starting to entertain the notion that maybe my PTSD is NOT the cause of all our relationship problems (and that maybe his feelings if impending apocalypse are not because an apocalypse is impending and that maybe what's causing it is also causing his inability to get off the couch all weekend, respond to contact from his friends and family, trim his hair at least annually, or cope with his stress at three different jobs).

My T has helped me immensely with my PTSD, but now I'm ready to "break up" with her. I know she thinks my husband's dysthymia is because of some trauma he's repressed from his mom's own depression, which (she believes) caused his sister's bipolar, which caused our niece's ADHD, but she also thinks my Narcolepsy is due to my PTSD (nevermind that I started having sleep paralysis and hypnopompic hallucinations when was 4, which was more than 20 years before I was stalked and started having panic attacks or flash backs, AND that my dad, grandfather, and paternal cousin have the same symptoms). I can't help thinking both that my T isseeing trauma everywhere since she specializes in it AND that I don't feel comfortable with the idea of divorcing someone (who doesn't want me to) when he's suffering from a mental health condition.

That being said, if my husband decided he'd rather divorce than continue seeing our couple's therapist I'd see it as "him doing me a favor"...which also makes me think I'm not being codependent.

What a mess!!! ?

Haven't read all the replies but I can say I'm in a PTSD and ADHD relationship and in many cases a person with ADHD will not be able to generate the internal motivation required to make a change without some kind of crisis. So, it's possible that your husband may just chemically be unable to take the meds until he gets past his initiative-taking issue if it exists, along with the denial or complacency or whatever is interfering with seeking treatment.

Gina Pera has a lot of quality, research based stuff on ADHD and what happens to the partner, and her books talk about denial as both a coping skill and a side effect of how the ADHD brain works.

ADHD is very treatable. I'm not gonna say leave your husband but I'll say in my support group I hear a lot that an ADHD partner is slow to treat it, and the spouse slowly loses themselves or develops chronic health problems from the stress, and often persons with ADHD have to get ultimatums to activate themselves because the brain gets stuck sometimes without that.