Justmehere
Sponsor
Ugh. So. Weird problem.
Humor is a big defense mechanism / coping tool of mine. I don’t think I realized how much so until my friends offline said I’m funny, and that when I’m around, there is a lot more laughter and humor. And there is. And it’s good with friends.
In therapy... I like when my therapist and I can laugh, but sometimes, it’s not ok. This therapist is the fourth therapist in a row that I’ve found myself saying, “stop laughing” more about than once.
My therapist hears me but it’s like she gets the giggles and then I laugh...
Yesterday, I asked for help right off the bat at the beginning of the session with reframing something very hard that’s frankly stirring up a ton of suicidal thoughts. I even explain to her the plans that were popping into my head, like point blank, “this morning while making breakfast thoughts of doing.... were in my head.” I told her quickly I have no intent to act on this. And tears were streaming down my face because that seems to happen at every session lately....
How the f*ck does in this conversation turn into laughter?! I mean, *I* was laughing.
As we were both laughing I told her stop laughing... I’ve tried telling her don’t laugh before... and it doesn’t work. I wasn’t trying to have either of us laugh and I wasn’t trying to be humorous and I don’t think I was.
And it’s not just this therapist. But 4 in a row. I’m the common denominator.
She took me seriously, and we were not laughing about the thoughts, but what I really needed was a therapist with me in the pain. Not just the laughter. I needed to have someone say, it would be damn frustrating to work so hard and while cooking eggs your brain goes to all the ways to off yourself.
I hurt. And it’s not funny. And I need her to be with me in it in the sessions. She’s asking me to let her in more.
Do I tell her then stop laughing with me so much?
Another odd thing: I don’t do angry venting emails. My therapist let’s me email her, but she doesn’t respond - we always talk about it in session. She said she knows I’m mad at her and struggling with anger generally but can’t quite let it into the sessions... and she’s invited me to send angry emails if I feel mad at her this week, knowing we’ll talk about it in person, not between sessions. She has a the Pay technique that uses negative transference on purpose - which is good for me because I have a lot of it towards therapists generally.
This seems like a horrible idea to send her emails though. If I sent an angry email, it would be stop freaking laughing! But I can’t send that. She may be a therapist but she’s also human. I keep trying to tell her bluntly in sessions nr she knows, and she does try...
I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? I just really needed her with me in the pain yesterday so bad. So much. I’m tired of keeping her away and I dunno how to stop whatever I’m doing that promotes or sets up this dynamic.
Humor is a big defense mechanism / coping tool of mine. I don’t think I realized how much so until my friends offline said I’m funny, and that when I’m around, there is a lot more laughter and humor. And there is. And it’s good with friends.
In therapy... I like when my therapist and I can laugh, but sometimes, it’s not ok. This therapist is the fourth therapist in a row that I’ve found myself saying, “stop laughing” more about than once.
My therapist hears me but it’s like she gets the giggles and then I laugh...
Yesterday, I asked for help right off the bat at the beginning of the session with reframing something very hard that’s frankly stirring up a ton of suicidal thoughts. I even explain to her the plans that were popping into my head, like point blank, “this morning while making breakfast thoughts of doing.... were in my head.” I told her quickly I have no intent to act on this. And tears were streaming down my face because that seems to happen at every session lately....
How the f*ck does in this conversation turn into laughter?! I mean, *I* was laughing.
As we were both laughing I told her stop laughing... I’ve tried telling her don’t laugh before... and it doesn’t work. I wasn’t trying to have either of us laugh and I wasn’t trying to be humorous and I don’t think I was.
And it’s not just this therapist. But 4 in a row. I’m the common denominator.
She took me seriously, and we were not laughing about the thoughts, but what I really needed was a therapist with me in the pain. Not just the laughter. I needed to have someone say, it would be damn frustrating to work so hard and while cooking eggs your brain goes to all the ways to off yourself.
I hurt. And it’s not funny. And I need her to be with me in it in the sessions. She’s asking me to let her in more.
Do I tell her then stop laughing with me so much?
Another odd thing: I don’t do angry venting emails. My therapist let’s me email her, but she doesn’t respond - we always talk about it in session. She said she knows I’m mad at her and struggling with anger generally but can’t quite let it into the sessions... and she’s invited me to send angry emails if I feel mad at her this week, knowing we’ll talk about it in person, not between sessions. She has a the Pay technique that uses negative transference on purpose - which is good for me because I have a lot of it towards therapists generally.
This seems like a horrible idea to send her emails though. If I sent an angry email, it would be stop freaking laughing! But I can’t send that. She may be a therapist but she’s also human. I keep trying to tell her bluntly in sessions nr she knows, and she does try...
I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? I just really needed her with me in the pain yesterday so bad. So much. I’m tired of keeping her away and I dunno how to stop whatever I’m doing that promotes or sets up this dynamic.
