Need Advice

[I am .....]

ok I haven't been on here in a while and atm I don't feel as though I have anyone to turn to except here, so I need to vent and ask for others advice. A little over two years ago I was sexually assaulted while out jogging. From a combination of this and early childhood abuse I was struggling to survive and was diagnosed with drug resistant depression and PTSD, which led me to this forum. After a few suicide attempts, many hours of EMDR and countless trials of drug therapy, I was starting to figure out who I was and piece myself back together. Unfortunately during this process my marriage fell apart. After about 18months a male friend whom had become a support for me become more than a friend and I was starting to feel comfortable enough to start a sexual relationship. After a few months it came out that he was still in a committed sexual relationship with his "ex" partner. Now I don't ever want another relationship again, I feel like I'm back at ground zero that his actions have cemented what I think about men, that they can't b trusted. His "ex" found out about her partners extra curricular activities and because she was hurt she slandered my name and told fabricated and malicious stories to anyone who would listen including all my friends, my ex husband and his family. She even told them that I was never raped that I was (in her words) "hooking up with someone and that things didn't go my way so I made up a story about being assaulted. Fortunately my ex confronted me about what he'd been told and I was able to set the record straight with him and his family also. My "friends" on the other hand have not spoken to me since. Not one person has asked me how I'm feeling or my version of events. I'm feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. During the time since my assault, in true PTSD style I was pushing everyone away and keeping everyone at arms length. My sisters know the truth about the whole situation. My parents unfortunately are deceased. I feel like my life is falling apart again cos the people who called themselves my friends won't even listen to me and I don't want to bother my family cos they're all busy with their own lives and families and I feel like I've been "sick" for toooo long to bother them. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start! I'm afraid I'm going back down the rabbit hole. I don't want to become suicidal again but I fear it's inevitable. Help!!

 

[scout86]

So, are you in therapy of any kind?

 

[I am .....]

Yes I am scout86 I'm seeing a psychologist and also doing exposure therapy with a trained counsellor (I became agoraphobic after my assault) but because of the holidays I don't have an appointment with anyone til mid January.
I'm really struggling atm. I know how bad and dark it can get and I'm afraid I'm regressing

 

[scout86]

Do they have it set up so you can stay in touch between sessions? I know T's vary a lot on how they handle that.

What you're dealing with sounds a lot like "plain ol' depression" on top of everything else. I can kind of relate to letting things go, and feeling like all of that stuff is more trouble than it's worth. I'm self-employed and one of the things I have to do, if I actually want to work, is return phone calls. Every now and then that just seems like "too much trouble", so I let them pile up. Which leads to a certain amount of panic, which leads to avoiding more phone calls. Finally, I just return a recent one, listen to the ones I've avoided even listening to, deal with the ones I can deal with, and let everyone else be mad at me. :confused:

Have you talked about any of this with your therapist?

 

[I am .....]

Do they have it set up so you can stay in touch between sessions? I know T's vary a lot on how they hand...

They're away on holidays. This is the first time they've both been away at the same time. They are my backup plan. Nothing was really set up for plan B because I've been travelling better of late

 

[scout86]

This is the first time they've both been away at the same time.

That's rough! How long till one of them is back?

 

[Changing4Best]

Can you at least leave a message on their phone machine, and hope maybe at least one of them will get back to you?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I know how easy it is to be down that rabbit hole. I'm so sorry that your relationships are dicey at the moment.as a result of their responses, it's time to call on all you've learned up til now. Reaching out for support? Done. Stay in the present. You are safe and nothing is hurting you right now. A few cleansing breaths. Focus on your breath, pushing away all thoughts of self harm, inviting in healing energy.if you have a smartphone or iPad you can download guided meditations. It will help you stay here in the present. Try wrapping each unconvertable situation up in a box that you can only open if you want to see what's there. The purpose of this project is to get you grounded, so you can think rationally. Try downloading guided meditations in the App Store or get free downloads from Tara Brach. She leads very effective meditations. You can get them for free online.

 

[I am .....]

That's rough! How long till one of them is back?

I'm not sure when they're back but I have rang and left a message.

 

[I am .....]

I know how easy it is to be down that rabbit hole. I'm so sorry that your relationships are dicey at...

I have been trying to stay grounded using the apps and CDs I have utilised before however I'm too irritable and anxious. A pre-existing medical condition cancels out driving for a few more months not that I'm too concerned about that because if I could stay home all the time I would but I know that's not helping me either. I can't seem to focus for long and my sleep is really shitty atm. It's just that vicious cycle returning thank you for ur support and suggestions, I guess I'll just keep going with the motions till someone returns my call.