Relationship Need Help As A Carer

[KCKristi]

First off, I'm new to talking on the forums....so, Hi Everyone. :)

What I need help with is this: I've been married for almost 3 years to a great man with combat PTSD. I love him dearly, but we argue over almost everything. I am a very laid back and easy going kind of person....he's hyper-vigilant (of course)....so we are almost opposites. And when we try to discuss anything, we usually don't see it the same way....and he says I disagree with everything he says and he hates that - well, I don't agree with most of his views - My problem is this: What do I do or say when I don't agree? If I say nothing at all, he says I'm ignoring him....if I say I understand, he thinks I agree (and later says I agreed with him, so I'm changing and that's not fair to him)....if I say I don't agree, he gets angry. So, what do I do or say to explain that I don't agree, and that it's okay to not agree?

Thanks everyone - this site is a huge help for me!

KCKristi

 

[Farine]

Hello KCKristi,

I'm pleased to meet you. I'm not an expert. I just have one idea to offer. Can you establish one area that is 'yours'? That way you have some sense of control and you don't have to argue over that area. If you don't have at least one area of expertise that you can lay claim to, that's a concern. Hopefully, that helps.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum KCKristi. While a lot of what you are experiencing is probably PTSD it sounds like there is either a power/control issue as well or perhaps a clash of personalities.

Have you ever tried saying " I refuse to comment as which ever way I go ends in an argument and I would prefer not to argue as I love you and don't want to fight with you"? Just a thought.

 

[godhelpusoneandall]

This is something that I have recently been having a problem with, too. My sufferer has cut back his meds and things are getting rough. Sometimes I am just afraid to say anything when he is is one of those moods. And if he is relating something to me and I ask a question, it could set him off because he "doesn't do twenty questions." The question would be considered appropriate in a conversation with another person, if you know what I mean. Sometimes he has been saying things that seem to make no sense..like out of context statements. I am really, really, getting nervous about his mental stability. Kat

 

[Nicolette]

As a Carer you cannot be responsible for a Sufferer and if they do or don't look after themselves including taking medication. What you can do is set clear and strong boundaries which you must stick by. Please go down to the Carers section and read the sticky threads at the top of each section.

Bottom line.....a PTSD Sufferer is responsible for how he acts and if that is inappropriate you then choose how you deal with that. At the start of my relationship my Sufferer would often be nasty due to having a tough time with his Ex. While I felt for him and could see what was happening I had to protect myself and I had decided no man would ever abuse me again (physical, verbal or emotional) if I could control it. I would say things like "you are being mean right now" and leave the room (all down in the Carers section) and these things worked really well and I very rarely have any problems these days. Yes he still gets sick but he doesn't take it out on me.