Need Some Support

[ladee]

You are doing somethng right, you are here sharing. You are owning what is going on. You are continueing to function.... altho it is taking it's toll. PTSD has some lousy timing doesn't it... no matter how we try to work around it, it has it's way. So if some of your plans get delayed, it's not the end, tho it may feel that way for you right now. If you don't take care of you, none of it will matter anyway in the end... Please do a lot of self care right now. You are not alone and share all you need to... better out than keeping it in. sending gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm not functioning, is the thing, though. Didn't go to work this afternoon. Quelled the pain with twice my usual dose of meds, and it only gave me a couple hours reprieve. I'm not sure if I need to be in a hospital, but I can't go to one because it's a small town and it would destroy my reputation for good. I have no one to take me to the next town. I've tried everything I can think of. My therapist says to contact him when I really need help, and I really do need help, but he isn't getting how bad it is. I need help now, today, not at our next appointment.

This is the worst I ever remember feeling in my life. Complete overwhelming despair. I feel I will be alone forever, no one will ever hear me when I try to tell how bad it is.

There is no one here for me. No one I can call and ask to come over, or to drive me somewhere, or to listen, or anything. I feel like I am in the worst possible nightmare and can't wake up.

 

[sun seeker]

I wish just once in my life, I could be a priority to someone. I wish I didn't have to come last, an afterthought. I wish I could matter. I wish someone would be able to understand how much pain I am in and care enough to set other things aside to help. I wish I had a family. I wish I had friends. I wish I could ever feel good. I wish I could feel loved and wanted. I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it will be all right, and they'll be there for me however long it takes. I wish the pain would end.

 

[ladee]

Then call your T !! Stay with it until he gets how you are feeling.. and if you need to be driven to the next town, then possibly he can help... if he can't take you, then he can possibly find someone who can. You ARE cared about here !! I know that does not meet your needs.... but you are not alone on this journey. And if you feel you need to go to the hospital, then call your T... That is what he is there for... sending gentle hugs . I have been where you are, more than once, and it's a horrible feeling. But I also had to do what I had to do.. I didn't like it. I was terrified, but my life was more important... please keep posting if is it helping... we are listening.

 

[sun seeker]

I am afraid of losing everything if I go to a hospital. I have clients depending on me, and finding work is very hard for me. If I were away I'd be leaving them stranded and show I'm not dependable. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Go to the hospital and maybe they can help me... if they don't shame me and make it worse, which is always a gamble. If I do that and they keep me there a few days, I'm leaving clients behind who really need me (I work with old people). Do that and I may lose the clients, lose the income, lose my reputation in this town, lose the income that lets me pay for therapy, go into a tailspin of more and more despair. Yet staying like this I am in unbearable, relentless pain, and I'm running out of the medications that help me even a little. I don't know what to do. I'm just out of resources.

 

[Tinyflame]

You wouldn't be undependable, just unwell & needing to care for yourself to care for them. How about your T first? And tell them that?

Also, can you sleep @sun seeker ?
(((((((((((((((Sun seeker))))))))))) Xoxox

 

[ladee]

You are in panic mode right now and can only see the losses... Everyone needs time off for health care. I have done the same kind of work you do.. there will be other clients and there is someone who can help out. IF you work independent ,then contact the family and let them know they are going to have to make arrangements.. you don't have to go into detail... just say you need some time off... believe me, they will cover it.. if you work for an agency, then it is up to them to replace you. This is not to argue with you, or to try and convince you of anything... but YOU are your first responsibility... you are doing a lot of projecting and don't know if you have called your T or not... might be a good time to get a little more pro active for some serious self care. In the shape you are in... I don't know that I would want you caring for my elder right now anyway, regardless of how you feel you are keeping it under control. I have been there, take the time off... then figure out what you need to do with a clear head.These things said with compassion and caring... and my own experience.

If your appendix burst or your gall bladder acted up, you would have to take time off... no difference.

 

[sun seeker]

I e-mailed him. If he doesn't get back to me soon I will call him.

 

[sun seeker]

@Junebug, I wish I could sleep. I took a large dose of benzoids but just fell into a stupor for a couple hours. Sleep would be a godsend.

 

[ladee]

Great ! I know you are scared and hurting. It feels like you are out of control. You have enough going on to contact your T... wait a reasonable time and then call him... keep posting if you need to until then.

 

[sun seeker]

I told him about wishing I mattered... sort of. I was so ashamed to say it, I skirted around the edges a lot. I know this makes me sound like a monster, and I hate that there is this part of me... but what it feels like is all my life I've been expected to be grateful for crumbs, and there is this insatiable hunger in me and I don't want to be grateful anymore, I want to come first for someone... want all the love I never got... and I don't know if I ever will. I feel like a bottomless pit of need. I know the idea in most schools of therapy is that we have to learn to fill that need ourselves, but I don't think that's entirely possible when there is so much early trauma. We need the experience of having a trustworthy person there for us. But I guess it looks different to a therapist. To them, they are there for us during whatever the time slot is. Then we go home, and we keep on feeling everything that got stirred up until the next appointment. It doesn't stop for us for the week until it is safe to feel it again. The pain is there all the time.

We already went overtime in our session today, and I really wasn't okay to stop, but he had to go on to other things. Understandable. He has a life. A family.

I don't. And don't know if I ever will.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @sun seeker . :hug:

There is much I could try to say, but I will say I am here, & say prayers for you from all my heart. :notworthy: And a candle. Also that you can sleep. :hug: :hug: Xoxoxox