Need Sufferer Opinion On Realtionship

[Wtfiswrong]

I've been dating a man with c-PTSD for a year now. Recently everyday feels like a struggle. I have somehow become the enemy.there is a constant push / pull dynamic and it is tiring. Rationality has basically gone out the door. I feel like I can say or do nothing right. I am the enemy.

My question is why do people with PTSD push the people closest to them away? Why can't they have a rational thought process? Why have i become the bad guy?

Has anyone been able to have a functional , communicative realtionship with out the supporter overly stressing you?

 

[EveHarrington]

Relationships are stressful. The closer you are, the more stress you bring. When in de-stress mode, those closest who bring the most stress are the first to go.

PS This is an incredibly rational thought process IMHO once you understand the dynamics.

I'm stressed.

I need to de-stress.

You are close and you are stressing me out.

Logic says you need to go/give me space.

 

[Wtfiswrong]

Relationships are stressful. The closer you are, the more stress you bring. When in de-stress mod...

That makes complete sense. That being said he doesn't relay that info to me. He just does it, and then doesn't understand why I am confused. At this point I am okay with moving on if that's what he needs but not talking about and just doing it is not okay. It's a nasty cycle also this happens almost weekly recently.

He also says a lot of really terrible things to me when I stress him out. But truthfully any normal convo on life, needs anything is stressful to him.

I don't see how he could be in a realtionship if even the most basic conversations stress him out.

 

[BlueDream]

Well, we can't have these things because we have gone through trauma that has negatively affected our brains, causing things like PTSD. That's wtfiswrong with me at least I won't speak for everyone.

 

[Cult]

I would agree that if the most basic conversation stresses him out, then he probably cannot be in a relationship at this time.

More importantly, are you getting what you want and need from him? If not, are the two of you working toward improving the areas in which you are unhappy?

He's got to at least agree with you that issues exist, and be willing to pull his share of the weight for the relationship to be happier and healthier for you both. That is where I am in my marriage. I am a sufferer, I believe my wife is one as well, and our demons don't get along. We are slogging it out but even with a lot of love and willingness to try on both of our parts, it is still very hard sometimes.

I love my wife very much but I push her away constantly.

Best of luck and remember how short life is. If he won't try, and you cannot be happy with things as they are, I might consider breaking it off.

 

[EveHarrington]

That makes complete sense. That being said he doesn't relay that info to me. He just does it, and th...

I know it can be hard to understand. I have PTSD and I'm still trying to figure it all out myself!

In the end, we have human needs to connect and be close to other people. That means that even when symptoms are quite bad, sometimes we will get involved with other people. It's almost never IMHO out of maliciousness or ill intent. Sometimes you just want to be close to someone, even if it hurts (stresses us).

But-------please remember that your needs are VERY important! If this relationship does not meet your needs or is too much to handle or is simply just not what you're looking for, there is nothing wrong with and no shame in being honest and letting the relationship go.

I know it's not easy in the least and I wish you much strength. :hug:

 

[Thizette]

After reading through the comments here, I have this to say: If you are truly willing to give him space when he needs it, communicate that to him and make a very specific request that includes the phrase, "Please let me know when you need me to give you space; I would like to support you, but I can't read your mind." If he can't honor that request, he's not ready for a relationship. If you aren't willing to stop a conversation (no matter what you are feeling) and give him space, then you should walk away fro the relationship. It's 100% ok if you don't feel like you can maintain the relationship, or if you think you aren't able to support a`mentally ill person as`an intimate partner. It is hard to do, even when the sufferer is coping well and has healthy communication, which it sounds like your bf doesn't. If he's not in counseling, I would recommend it. Again, make it a request. If he's unwilling, I'd walk away from the relationship.

 

[Fadeaway]

When you are symptomatic even normal stuff will stress you out. However, when you are in that state, properly expressing and even understanding your own needs is damn near impossible sometimes. My guess is that he just really needs some space and that he will come around if given that. The weekly episodes should let up when he feels like he is in a safe place.

 

[Seasounds]

Sorry that your care gets translated as if you are the enemy. I have been on both sides of the situation; my last boyfriend also had PTSD. I would never know when he would say, "You are doing this to purposely annoy me" lose his temper.

You are right, sometimes there is no way to turn the situation around. Counseling may help, especially if your partner desires help. The reason why his past trauma ones out at you, is because you are now the significant partner; the significant person always gets the built up emotions from the precious traumatic relationships-mother, father, sibling, etc.

I tried to turn around the situation that I was in. But my partner refused to initiate therapy, after I initiated it for 6 months. He was pretty stuck in his own trauma cycle. I needed to step out of the relationship since his anger was triggering me too much.

So, know it isn't you. He would give similar responses to anyone who was close to him, in the way you are. He may or may not decide to get help.

Meanwhile, you can work on yourself; address and transform the pain you have. The most accessible help with your situation I know of is Alanon; PTSD emotional volatility, depression etc., is similar to what is seen with drug addicts and alcoholics. Many mates and children of alcoholics suffer from trauma. They are working on similar "supporter issues."

Your care is genuine and valuable. Hope you know that you are a gift, even if your partner's vision is clouded by his past traumas. :hug:

 

[TerriB8511]

This thread has helped me tremendously.

@EveHarrington That is exactly what my combat PTSD is going through and just the way you said it, made it so much clearer. Not easier, but I now understand what he's been trying to convey to me.

@Thizette That phrase is exactly what I as looking for in communicating my own needs as well. Thank you.

I didn't mean to interject on your post, @Wtfiswrong but those replies finally made this sink in to my sometimes stubborn head. I am sending you hugs because I am going through it myself. Giving space is THE hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I believe my relationship is worth it. Please reach out if you need to. I'm right there with you.

 

[Thizette]

This thread has helped me tremendously.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in communicating our feelings of support that we forget to say what we actually need to continue to be supportive. Your partner probably knows you love and support him, but we don't always realize when we are making it difficult for our supporters to support. Conversations devolve into anger and hurt instead of useful exchanges of information. My own partner is going through a severe bout of depression and I find myself on the supporter side and sometimes he can't communicate his needs to me at all. At those times, instead of trying to pry something out of him, I let him know very clearly what I'm doing. "I need to finish this or that, so I will be in the living room, but please let me know if you need anything or want me to come sit with you." This is a tactic I learned from observing how he supports me with my PTSD. Sometimes to get the love across to our partners, we have to take our emotions out of the conversations.

 

[TerriB8511]

@Thizette That makes so much sense. I've said countless times that I love and support him so I know he knows this. Thank you. It really has helped me see things from a less emotional standpoint and more of a "what do I need" standpoint.