Need to unscramble

[Dynamic]

I need a separate place right now other than my diary

I woke up feeling like violent spinny and would vomit but not physically just in my head.

It’s happened too many times that I’ve been so anxious and sick I had a migraine and threw up w seizures or panic attacks.

I went for a walk

I’ve told people close to me how bad it is for me right now and what my plans are to handle it well

I feel so many bad feelings right now some are valid some are old some are unavoidable some idk what to do about . Some sticky death

There are some things I can’t talk about in my diary idk why

Some things I can’t talk about to anyone because I am legally bound (a therapist I could but I don’t trust anyone so maybe after I calm down I can call someone) as I posted on my diary I can’t speak to my trauma therapist right now :/

Some things out of my control of course because that’s life

But now

When people reach out

I wanna build a real fort

It’s bad

I need to untangle or something just breathe here idk

I am grounding but as far as how to think I seem to have lost composure. My heads spinny.

I’ve exercised

I cannot eat yet but I will make that a goal

Leave a hug a comment a question. Something might help thanks

I basically want to give up and just turn my phone off and go to sleep… For three days…Thanks for the idea brain.

I know I’m stuffing emotions to get through so I just don’t know what to do now - today. :/

 

[Dynamic]

I think I want a solution there is not one to or I just don’t have it yet. My head hurts when I try to think of solutions.

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds really difficult. And I get a sense of being stuck with nowhere to go.

What's stopping you from expressing what's happened on this website? (Either in your diary or another thread).

Sometimes, the things we get stuck on, others here have been through a version of it and can give their experience. Or we might see it in a different way to you that helps you hold it differently. Might be good to share? It's all anonymous here.

But if writing it out here doesn't feel safe, what helps you release emotions?

 

[Dynamic]

Part of it is I feel I’ve written about it all so much already. And I’m probably so frustrated it’s still bothering me and I sort of feel everything I’ve worked for slip away I don’t wanna be in this mindset anymore but I have to be and I knew I’d need to come here again and

I’m mad at people this I can probably talk about

But also more than half feels like I’m just too overstimulated to speak about complex things and it’s similar to what feels scary about the types of seizures I have it’s like temporary paralysis but I’m awake

My nerves just go slow / no

Maybe I’m afraid to have a seizure as well

 

[Dynamic]

Emotions now about any of this

People

My ex lost something very important. :(
There’s a lot attached to this. Makes me sick.

WB just wants to remain friends. I fully understand and accept but then, I find he wants from me what I don’t have with guy friends. Which is quite a bunch of my attention time, and he questions me about time/conversations with other males.

Maybe it’s just my broken lonely brain making something it’s not and that also embarrasses me or makes me feel genuinely bad for myself

I think how I feel is just freaking me out too.

Bleh.

 

[Dynamic]

It’s like many many people in my real life have zero concept of a lot w my health

That’s fine until this point I need space from my closest people and it’s been a while already how much longer and is it really the best.

Revisit this

 

[Dynamic]

Another similar thought is

I’m temporarily worse and this thread helps the separate from my everyday to this temporary. It’s a special time to visit this time in my brain. Meaning a chosen specific isolated and premeditated visit to trauma land.

Being aware does not need to bring devastation but yet my physical being is still processing and it still hurts.

 

[OM_™]

Just clicked follow to show you that I care. No suggestions to confuse you further...just Defaultxlove!

 

[Dynamic]

Appreciated @OM_™

 

[Dynamic]

I caught myself writing about the most random stuff. It wasn’t helpful. Avoidance

I got into fights w people yesterday about my seizures.

My dad said they simply do not understand (vs not caring)

Possibly. But I care about me right now and I had to put the boundary down and remove myself from a situation.

Then I was accused of having a seizure on purpose whatever that means and called dumb.

Jgf got pulled into it. I perceived he was against me.

I know there’s someone I can talk to today so that’s a relief it will help. I slept maybe 3 hours and I feel all awake and exhausted.

I’m thankful for my daughter son mom dad and real friends

 

[abovedown]

I think I want a solution there is not one to or I just don’t have it yet. My head hurts when I try to think of solutions.

Can you let of trying to find long term solutions for now anfd focus on surviving today? Can you visit a coffee house or a mall and just observe people there. Would it help you feel more grounded?

 

[abovedown]

Then I was accused of having a seizure on purpose whatever that means and called dumb.

Who on earth would try to have seizures on purpose ? I don't understand their claims