Need To Vent...

[macca]

It has been a very bad evening. My husband was crazy angry and unreasonable with my son, who is struggling with anxiety and OCD badly at the moment - my husband sees it as behavioural problems, and takes our son's reactions personally. He takes everything personally.

I started to get overwhelmed with trying to calm them down, and was having trouble coping. I admit I hit myself in the head (not in front of my son), not hard like I used to, and only once, and actually thought I did well for it not to get out of control like it has before. But my husband reacted (again) with such contempt, I freaked out (it is highly triggering for me, as my father used to treat me with contempt).

I lost reason, and fearfully left the house, and he screamed at me out the front as I left, at which I had a full meltdown and was wailing like a 3 year old saying "he's going to kill me", though that wasn't relevant to this situation. I knew my husband would not hurt me. I had to calm down and get back to the house as soon as I could, because I was so worried about my son.

I feel terrible that I left the house, though I was only gone 10 minutes, my son was left with my husband in "monster" mode, and I left him. :( I feel like a piece of :poop:. My poor son, how could I have done that. My mother left my rampaging father for several weeks once, and I was left to try and cope with him on my own. I can't blame her though, because he was horrible to her.

Then my son, whose emotional upset made his OCD go crazy, took an hour and a half to wash his hands, and was freaking out and frustrated and banging the door, which was making me startled and scared, though my son couldn't see me. I couldn't help him, he just wasn't able to be helped (there was nothing I could do for him but just encourage him).

My husband doesn't understand. He doesn't recognise his own anger, even though it's over the top, and he thinks he is "calm" even when yelling and gesticulating and insulting, or if he does admit it, he thinks it's justified. I'm not coping. I don't usually, but I'm drinking to try and calm my nerves, as I'm horribly agitated.

My only comfort is my old fantasy of wishing my mother had miscarried me, not the baby the she did lose. I often wish he could have survived, and I had not been born. Maybe he would have appreciated it more. I don't think about the issue with that, which is my poor kids wouldn't have been born if I had not, as wishing my childhood suicide attempt had been successful, or that they hadn't managed to save me at birth, or that I was miscarried or never existed, are my only mental refuges sometimes.

If anyone has read this, thank you, and sorry for having gone on so long, though I think it needed to come out.

 

[Abstract]

macca, your husband is out of order. I am sorry you are having to deal with all this on top of dealing with your PTSD. And your sons OCD. Leaving for 10 mins is not in any way anything at all like leaving him for several weeks with a rampaging father like your mother did you! Sometimes if triggered the best thing is remove yourself, re group and then come back. You wish you did not have PTSD but you do sadly and it's not your fault.

Something needs to happen about your husband though. For now just concentrate on self care and grounding but after that you maybe need to think of what can be done about your husband as you can't go on like this.

 

[Crow88]

You are not alone. It sounds like your husband's behaviour was very unreasonable and so triggering! I really felt bad for you and your son. Hey, you are not responsible for how your husband behaves and you didn't ask to have this awful illness, so stepping out for 10 mins was the best you could do in very challenging circumstances. In no way did you intend to leave your son in that situation. You are not to blame.
I know what it's like to wish you never existed. Some days I curl up in bed and cry, just wishing my mother had aborted me.
You are really brave for posting your traumatic experience on here. I hope you take good care of yourself.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Doesn't sound like it's very constructive to have the anger of your husband around now, him not understanding your son's situation. Do you have a therapist to talk to about these things? Maybe you could figure out how to approach his moods, even though he seems to think it's normal -it obviously creates a bad situation.

You're not a piece of shit even though you may feel like one now, would it have helped at all if you had stayed? Or would it have aggravated the situation? If it would have made things worse for you, then maybe walking out for a moment was a good approach. You are not your mother. But I hope you can discuss it with somebody and see if your husband can be reasoned with somehow...?

 

[WillowMarie]

Something needs to happen about your husband though. For now just concentrate on self care and grounding but after that you maybe need to think of what can be done about your husband as you can't go on like this.

I totally agree with this. You deserve to have your needs respected and be understood. You have a right to be getting upset in these situations, I would be upset, too! Even without the whole getting triggered thing, it is normal to be frustrated and upset about these situations with your husband.

I see nothing wrong with having to go calm down. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of your son. If you are not in the right place, it will be hard to concentrate and help your son. I think it was wise to take ten minutes to regroup so you can handle his needs better. You are so far away from being your mother. I agree with everyone else that the time you left is soooo different from the few weeks your mom put you through.

I know you said that you weren't able to help your son, but sometimes just knowing someone is there and cares about you and supports you is enough. Sometimes there isn't anything you can do other than show them they don't have to be alone while going through something.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If your husband can't/won't change, can you live like this for the rest of your life? You shouldn't have to put up with behavior that is so triggering to you that you are pushed to drink and harm yourself. Can your son live like this until he's 18?

 

[atthree]

I plan on using the forum to vent as well. Sounds like your husband needs a friend with PTSD outside the family. You know it's just something else we have to forgive ourselves for (for getting angry). I hate getting angry just for that reason. I'm sure it applies to all of us," Why didn't I just forgive in the first place?"

 

[Marf]

I hope your husband and son are seeing a therapist too. This situation sounds horrible to me - sorry.

 

[Abstract]

you know it's just something else we have to forgive ourselves for

I'm not sure I understand. Macca's husband got angry with her son in an inappropriate way; macca got overwhelmed and afraid in reaction to this bad behaviour.

His continued acting out in anger at his child and his wife for things they cannot help is not acceptable.

 

[scout86]

macca, your husband's behavior was out of line, whether you have PTSD or not, whether your son has OCD or not. It's harder for the 2 of you to deal with because of those conditions, but HE is the one who can't seem to keep his act together. You handled it as well as you could and should be commended for handling it as well as you did.

Your husband needs some help of his own. He appears to be quite lacking in empathy, in self control, or both. If he's not willing to deal with his own problems, I can't see any upside to trying to continue in a marriage with him. Think of all the stories that show up here where a supporter is in a relationship with someone who's being a jerk, possibly because they have PTSD, but they are totally unwilling to seek help. What's the standard advice? "Get out!", isn't it? Because if the person who's behaving badly doesn't get it, there's not much you can do but distance yourself from them.

You said that your husband didn't "hurt you". I disagree. Just because he didn't strike you doesn't mean he didn't hurt you. He scared you bad enough that you had to run away from him! He scared you bad enough to trigger a whole chain of self hating thoughts and behaviors. He did that by being out of control. If he'd done it by walking in to the house and saying "Hi honey, I'm home!" I might say different, but he DID "hurt you". Also your son. Further more, I'd suggest that he did it with at least some awareness of what he was doing. And, yeah, you have a responsibility to protect your son, but his father has a responsibility to not be who you need to protect your son FROM.

Sorry you're having to deal with this!

 

[macca]

You guys are the best. Other than my T, I have nobody else to turn to - and honestly, nobody else has ever been there for me like this. It's so lovely it makes me cry. Thank you.

Like some of you have said, I can't say I haven't thought about getting out many times over the years. I always stayed for the same reasons: I can't afford to leave, and I can't afford a lawyer (but he can), he would use my condition against me to gain more custody of the kids (I could never bear the thought of him raising them without me to protect them). He is actually good at times, when things are going well. He gets very angry that I feel I need to protect them, and sees it as a blight on my character, as there is no reason (in his mind) for it, and that my gently trying to protect them is what is causing them to think he's too angry. I only wish my mother had protected me, but I think she was too beaten down mentally to do it. And yes, I think I did end up marrying a man like my father, before I knew what was going on. I was very young, and went straight from one to the other.

He actually threatened me just before my diagnosis that if the relationship broke down, that he would stay with the kids and the house and I would have to leave. He knows full well I would have nowhere to go, and would probably end up homeless. When things calmed down, he didn't understand why I was so upset about that.

My son's T had seemed to finally convince my husband that it was OCD. My husband relented at first, but is now back to his belief that our son is behaving poorly. Our son does get defensive and angry with his father, which my husband takes as disrespect, and cannot see that how he treats his son is part of the problem. He blames me.

My husband was supportive of me when I was first diagnosed in Oct last year, but I think that it's worn off now. He thought I should be better by now. My T is on holidays for another couple of weeks, and she was considering getting him in for a session. We did go to couples briefly, but my PTSD was just diagnosed and my symptoms were through the roof, so there wasn't much couple stuff done, and we left to concentrate on stabilising me. I am pretty desperate for him to see that what he does is not good, but he's always been very good at deflecting blame (a lot of the time unconsciously - it just can't be him). I've asked him if he might read "Running on Empty" because I can see some of his mother's behaviour in a couple of the descriptions, and my own, and his as well. If he could see it like that, he might see why I worry about how he speaks to our kids. He sees our youngest (the OCD one) in such a negative light, and it shows - then wonders why the kid doesn't like him. I don't know if he will, and even if he does, I'm not confident he can see himself honestly. My last hope other than these, is to convince him to go to couples again, or even to his own T. I don't know if he will.

I just don't know if I can bear it all much longer, but leaving will likely make things even harder, both for me and the kids. I don't know if I am in a place to have the strength to do it. He doesn't understand the triggering, and thinks it's behavioural or insulting (if I'm triggered by him, I'm the one who has a "low opinion" of him). The thing is, he does have the capacity for empathy, because he is at times. I just don't get it. Our marriage has been good in many patches (as well as bad), so it makes me want to keep trying.

 

[macca]

@atthree I appreciate your support, though I think I might not have made clear in my first post that it is me that has the PTSD, my husband is the supporter. I'm not sure if you read it the other way around perhaps?