Needing A Break From Being "strong"

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Anyone I try to talk to lately just keeps telling me how strong I am. I do not feel strong, but by their definition I am. And so I have come to the conclusion that I need a break from strong. I don't want to be strong enough to keep showing up to work every day because it is the right thing to do. I don't want to be strong enough to hold back tears and tend to my family. I don't want to be strong enough to chat about mindless things. I don't want to be strong enough to seem "normal".

I know there are good days and bad days. I had a good day overall on Saturday and I survived Sunday. I want to surrender and just stay in bed and not get up. I want to cry without feeling like I have to stop. I want to just stop life for a little while to figure more things out.

I need to find a balance between the two worlds I live in- the outside world and the world inside my head. The strive for maintaining that balance is killing me. Part of my trauma history has led me to a very strong sense of what is right and what is wrong and I cannot go against what is wrong. And it would be wrong to not go to work and wrong to not tend to my family and wrong to not want to be strong enough. I am so lost and no path seems to lead me any closer to any answers.

 

[Loner]

I think maybe you need a vacation.

 

[Changing4Best]

Start by expressing some of your needs to your family. Tell them you need days off. Call in sick to work if you really need to take a day to rest. You really don't feel well. Feeling ill mentally is just as valid of an excuse to stay out of work as feeling ill physically. You need some down time. Now don't wallow in it, don't let it take over your life, but let some down time give you that break you do need!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks for your encouragement. I don't have any more sick time. I used it all taking time off for mental health in the fall. I am trying to get approved for more days. But even then it is not easy because there is more guilt in taking time off. As with everything in life, it's complicated.

 

[desiderata310]

Yes to all of this. THIS is where I am

 

[shimmerz]

I want to surrender and just stay in bed and not get up. I want to cry without feeling like I have to stop. I want to just stop life for a little while to figure more things out.

Hate to say it but your body is telling you something very strongly. It is a bit of a viscous cycle. Sometimes when we stop we break down for a while. Sometimes when we don't we break down for an awful lot longer. Somewhere along the line we are forced to listen if we don't voluntarily do so. Shoring up and staying strong for me, did nothing but set me up for a complete and utter breakdown. I had no idea it was coming. Wish I knew then what I know now.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I understand where you are and I can relate. It sounds like grief or mourning. I go through it sometimes too. I was in a similar place the other day. I think it's part of the process of processing and healing. Sometimes just giving myself permission to fall apart and cry until I can't cry anymore gives me that break. And I don't like crying and I don't often do that. But when I have as bad as it's felt it's also felt good to have a little less pain to carry. At least in that moment.