Needing someplace to vent about how I’m feeling

[Sweetisabelle]

I’m in a really negative headspace today.... I feel like I just need a safe place to vent. If this is against any forum rules please let me know.

My inner critic is really loud...

I feel like I don't deserve any better than to suffer on my own.

I'm struggling a lot. I'm struggling to care for myself. To fight for myself. I'm struggling to even challenge the thought of "I don't deserve better".

I rather believe everything is my fault. I was raped because I didn't say no enough, I didn't fight back enough, I didn't try hard enough to make it stop. I was raped because all I am is a body to be used. I have no worth as a person, I have no value beyond being a body.

It's my fault that I feel dirty. It's my fault I can't go to sleep without thinking about being raped. It's my fault that my mom died. If my dad wasn't so concerned about me, if she wasn't so concerned about me, and if I wasn't so self centred than maybe someone would have paid attention to my mom. Maybe she would still be here today.

It's my fault. All these shitty things in my life are my fault. If I caused them on my own I should be able to fix them on my own, or deal with them in my own. A person like me doesn't deserve love or support. It was and is my fault.

I don’t know why exactly, but today is a difficult day. I know it will pass, but I just felt like I needed to get done of this off my chest, to not have to carry it all alone.

Thank you for “listening”

 

[LuckiLee]

None of it was your fault! It takes someone with alot of strength to come here and share their truth. Good job! Glad you found us!!

 

[Joan]

So sorry that you are struggling and all those thoughts are plaguing you. None of it is your fault, but it still sucks. Thry to take sweet care of yourself.

 

[ladee]

This place will never cease to amaze me. I could have written your post. That is how I feel today. Like you, I know it will pass. We will stop the critic from taking what we work for. So thank you for writing what I have been feeling all day. Feelings are not facts or experiance to the contrary... but some days, PTSDbrain just takes over... you are not alone.

But we both are going to see things more clearly and know these things are not true. Thank you for the courage it took to share this.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Sweetisabelle I like your username :) ?

For one, yep - this is a great place to vent. You can vent and get peer support. You can bounce your thoughts off of other people who have been through, or are going through similar things.

It can be helpful, to help you calm down, stabilize a bit, even gain insights into yourself/your trauma/your condition, so on and so forth.

Also, really importantly - the principal of "two heads are better than one" - I say this because you can use these forums to do like, "reality checks" to make sure you're not being irrational and stuff. It's been really helpful for me to do that, and that makes these forums a very, very -valuable- resource for me, because I get a venue to do all that in relative privacy and anonymity.

No need for trigger warnings, no need to worry if you're unloading too much, you can vent all you want.

If someone can't take what they are reading, then it's best to just stop reading - I have to stop reading posts all the time even if I feel great empathy/compassion with the poster and their post, or have been through similar things. Often, it's those with traumas very similar to mine, whose writings I must be very careful with reading - which stinks because I really wanna throw support their way and stuff, it's just I'm not healed enough yet to be capable of that. Just capable of throwing like, :hug:s and stuff, sometimes some "I know how you feel" or "you're not alone"

Also, on that note - you are not alone in everything you wrote. Like @ladee I also look at your post and think "I could have written that"

I hope this place comes to be as useful for you as it is for me.

 

[Friday]

If I caused them on my own I should be able to fix them on my own, or deal with them in my own

<rueful> A version of this is one of my cognitive distortions so deep rooted it’s a core belief... if it’s my fault? I can fix it.

I know that’s not true. Logically. If I shoot someone in the head? I can’t fix that. Burn a $20 bill? Ditto. From ashes to currency... nope. There are an infinite number of things that I could do, that would be 100% my fault -for real- that I have zero ability to fix.

But it’s a self defense mechanism, an illusion of control. My fault? I can fix it!

:banghead:

You don’t even want to know the sheer level of things that are in nooooo way my fault, that I lay claim to the blame for. Because I want the control. Even if it’s just an illusion, I want to believe that if I’d been there, or done something differently, or said/done/not done... that things would be different. Better. Not as they are. If only. If I could only. I could have. I should have.

If it’s my fault? I can make it right.

I know that’s not true. Logically. Emotions don’t logic so hot.

 

[Sweetleaf]

But it’s a self defense mechanism, an illusion of control. My fault? I can fix it!

You can at least fix one thing - the effects such things have upon you. With some help of course, though really you're the one in control of your own healing, choosing how you want to try healing, putting work into it, or getting over burning that $20 bill. :)

At least there's that haha.

---

If shit ever hits the fan, I want to have like, a bunch of money laying around for kindling because maybe that would lighten the mood every time you start a fire. Hahaha.

Oh man. Imagine someone in a survival situation, like, lost in the woods kinda stuff - bear grylls kinda stuff lol - and needing to use a $100 bill as kindling? hahahahaha

At that point you'd probably be like "worth it - high quality $100 kindling!" lol

I have no idea how well $100 bills set on fire of course. Lol. REEEALLY hope I never have to find out - though I also really wouldn't mind being rich enough to just do that for fun at least once ?

 

[Kopykat]

I’m sorry you had such a rough day. I certainly get in the days where I have toxic shame spirals and it’s almost impossible to get out of it. I see what you’re saying about “if it was my fault I can fix it!” I certainly have control issues now as an adult so I can’t be hurt again , which apparently is impossible;). We all have bad days and I’m glad you decided to share yours instead of letting the thoughts continue to cycle around silently. There’s certainly nothing wrong with you and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Our brains suck sometimes and like to trick us. I know at least twice a week I want to drop kick mine for causing me problems. Hang in there, you’ve been here before and you will kick ass and make it through again.