aimeegreen
New Here
I'm going to make those short as possible, which means missing out a lot. I'm 21 and diagnosed with BPD, alcoholic and abusive parent.. While that has had a profound affect on me, there's something else which I have never told anyone, but I'm considering telling my Doctor next week.
When I was 11 I suddenly developed a severe phobia of men, and around that time I began self harming. I went from outgoing to withdrawn, I stopped talking. Age 12-14 I self harmed daily and developed Anorexia, and at 14 I was sent to a psychiatrist.
Age 15 I began having nightmares of being molested, they weren't frequent but they were a really occuring thing. I would feel absolute disgust when I awoke. I even had rape dreams. At this point I developed severe were e Anxiety attacks, I would be on the floor gasping for air, and these continued daily until I was 16. At this point I had a gut instict I had been sexually abused. I was at an age where all my peers where interested in relationships and sex, the thought of sex brought disgust and it felt dirty to me, and still does now. At 17 I broke off contact with a boy after he hugged me and touched my waist, I felt disgusted at being touched and cried.
When I was 19 something occured to me one day. I had ALWAYS had this memroy, it was never repressed, but I suddenly realiied something odd. I always believed the memory was of me having an examination at the doctors, but in the memory I am sat on a man's lap while he touches my privates, he's wearing no gloves. That's literally all I remember,it's vague and I can't identify the man. I started to question if I was molested by someone, but tried to ignore it because I felt wrong and crazy. I also felt that because I only remember that split moment that maybe it's all in my head, but it's a real memory.
Now at 21 I still cannot have a relationship because of a fear of intimacy and being touched, I have never had sex because I feel repulsion at it and I occasionally get nightmares of molestation. This has got me thinking about this memoroy again. Because it's so vague and I was too young to remember everything, I cannot say for certain what happened. All o know is I have this memory. I know NO ONE can tell me what happened but does this sound like I was in fact molested? I feel like I'm going insane, my life is falling apart. I want to tell my doctor, I don't know how to.
When I was 11 I suddenly developed a severe phobia of men, and around that time I began self harming. I went from outgoing to withdrawn, I stopped talking. Age 12-14 I self harmed daily and developed Anorexia, and at 14 I was sent to a psychiatrist.
Age 15 I began having nightmares of being molested, they weren't frequent but they were a really occuring thing. I would feel absolute disgust when I awoke. I even had rape dreams. At this point I developed severe were e Anxiety attacks, I would be on the floor gasping for air, and these continued daily until I was 16. At this point I had a gut instict I had been sexually abused. I was at an age where all my peers where interested in relationships and sex, the thought of sex brought disgust and it felt dirty to me, and still does now. At 17 I broke off contact with a boy after he hugged me and touched my waist, I felt disgusted at being touched and cried.
When I was 19 something occured to me one day. I had ALWAYS had this memroy, it was never repressed, but I suddenly realiied something odd. I always believed the memory was of me having an examination at the doctors, but in the memory I am sat on a man's lap while he touches my privates, he's wearing no gloves. That's literally all I remember,it's vague and I can't identify the man. I started to question if I was molested by someone, but tried to ignore it because I felt wrong and crazy. I also felt that because I only remember that split moment that maybe it's all in my head, but it's a real memory.
Now at 21 I still cannot have a relationship because of a fear of intimacy and being touched, I have never had sex because I feel repulsion at it and I occasionally get nightmares of molestation. This has got me thinking about this memoroy again. Because it's so vague and I was too young to remember everything, I cannot say for certain what happened. All o know is I have this memory. I know NO ONE can tell me what happened but does this sound like I was in fact molested? I feel like I'm going insane, my life is falling apart. I want to tell my doctor, I don't know how to.
