I've had this feeling of disquiet for the past two weeks. It's just a feeling that something is very different. Something I'm not used to and couldn't name until tonight.
I was driving home from spending time at Ryan's and it struck me. I'm free.
I'm free from abuse. I no longer have to answer for my every cent spent, for my every cent not earned, for my financial situation, for my disorder, for being single, for being different. I no longer have to fear walking down the street in case I get run over, grabbed and murdered. I no longer free my house getting broke into while I sleep, bath or am not home. I no longer have to fear the people and the environment around me.
I can now unplug my phones without worrying about the repercussions for not "being there" for someone else. I can stay home and cry without being tormented for feeling pain. I can have a bad day and allow myself to do nothing but attempt to make my way through that day. I do not have to guilt myself over the state of my house and simply keep it clean and uncluttered for my pleasure.
I have never experienced this before.
Yet this brings with it an immense amount of fear and doubt. I am suddenly faced with my own feelings. I am faced with my trauma.
I am faced with new challenges. I am trying to reconnect with the world. I am learning to trust again. To care, to even love others. I even enjoy the chaos of someone else's noisy home and consider them family in a way that makes me crave more than our quiet existence.
It's all very alien to me. It just brings on this sense of "oh my god" yet I'm filled with joy at the same moment.
I would wish this on every abused woman in the world.
bec
I was driving home from spending time at Ryan's and it struck me. I'm free.
I'm free from abuse. I no longer have to answer for my every cent spent, for my every cent not earned, for my financial situation, for my disorder, for being single, for being different. I no longer have to fear walking down the street in case I get run over, grabbed and murdered. I no longer free my house getting broke into while I sleep, bath or am not home. I no longer have to fear the people and the environment around me.
I can now unplug my phones without worrying about the repercussions for not "being there" for someone else. I can stay home and cry without being tormented for feeling pain. I can have a bad day and allow myself to do nothing but attempt to make my way through that day. I do not have to guilt myself over the state of my house and simply keep it clean and uncluttered for my pleasure.
I have never experienced this before.
Yet this brings with it an immense amount of fear and doubt. I am suddenly faced with my own feelings. I am faced with my trauma.
I am faced with new challenges. I am trying to reconnect with the world. I am learning to trust again. To care, to even love others. I even enjoy the chaos of someone else's noisy home and consider them family in a way that makes me crave more than our quiet existence.
It's all very alien to me. It just brings on this sense of "oh my god" yet I'm filled with joy at the same moment.
I would wish this on every abused woman in the world.
bec
