Sufferer New Here Thought Id Come See If This Would Help!

[Lionmad]

Hi, Everyone
Im new. so hi!! I saw this site and I wanted to see if this might work, Im not much of a group therapy kumbaya type person but at this point Ill try anything! Ive vertically done everything I could and nothing works. I live in the UK so I'm not medicated! And this is super scary, But a few bits about me is I'm nearly 28 I've been suffering since 2008 but didn't get diagnosed until June 2012. I have Complex PTSD, and major trust issues. And don't really have a support network, to be honest I get rid of anyone that I feel is getting too close and I tend to isolate! My parents were unsupportive and abusive and I have been in 2 severely abusive relationships. I'm currently in my last year of a BSc university degree and I'm stressed out and finding life really hard right now! Which is why I am here.

This weekend I have been in hell! I was triggered on Thursday by someone and since then everything has been setting me off, I have an Eating disorder to gain control and since that didn't work I destroyed a budding relationship/friendship with an amazing guy because I got scared, because he showed he cared and was too supportive. Sounds so stupid to write that he was so nice I pushed him away and freaked out at him like an idiot! but I really did. I thought he was interested apparently he isn't but who could blame him I'm a mess, but to be honest after the way I reacted id also tell the person I was never interested in them. I did tell him about my ptsd though I also have major trust issues! So he knew before but I guess he's gone and he wont be back! Even though I sent an apology telling him i felt like i was losing my mind, but whos going to want to date that girl!! So low is an understatement!!

I'do see a therapist but to be honest nothing much helps. I've been told that they doubt Ill recover because we cant find all the issues! Ive had EMDR, CBT, talk therapy and currently trying DBT while we try get into a group therapy thing to help with the trust issues. So I know that this will be my existence. A life of fighting my own personal hell! I would give anything to have safety again, Or to know what safe feels like! Which I guess you all might understand?

I just really wanted to talk to people that understand my head and wont judge me for feeling so weak right now! I feel like this pain is never going to stop and right now its so much to bare. I'm exhausted.

Thanks for reading sorry its not that explicit. Im really nervous to even say that much!! But thanks.
Lionmad x

 

[a3a2]

Love the avatar! One of my favorite sayings.

I live in the UK so I'm not medicated!

I'm not sure I understand this. They don't medicate for this in the UK?

I've been told that they doubt Ill recover

As far as I know, PTSD is not curable, but you can make great strides, as many of us here on the forum have done.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Lionmad]

Hi, thanks... yes I got diagnosed by a psychiatrist and basically she said you have PTSD, go tell this to your Doctor. Ill send written conformation when I get the time, the doctor when I went there just said okay Ill fill that into the reports. Is there anything else we need to discuss and that was that. So when I hear everyone on other things talking about meds I was kinda confused becuase no one ever even mentioned them!

I wish... If I could live with some control, I think id call that a victory!

thanks for the warm welcome!

 

[Seasounds]

Hello and welcome! I believe that you can find many people here, who relate to your story.

I have PTSD. Trust, with friends and/or therapists, is still an improving work in progress. I waited a long time after diagnosis to get treatment with professionals; I did the do-it-yourself route, as long as I could.

Glad you are here!

 

[BLHutch]

Welcome!

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Sorry you are struggling, I would get a second opinion and ask if there is something that can help you. Sending prayers.

 

[Hashi]

Hi Lionmad, welcome to the forum.

Was the talk therapy, CBT and EMDR you tried arranged through your doctor or the psychiatrist? And the DBT you're doing now?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Welcome to the forum Lionmad. You'll fit right in here just fine :)

I agree with the others. 2nd opinions are always a good thing. I hope you will find a trauma specialist soon to help you.

 

[tillybee]

Welcome!! :)

 

[Lionmad]

Hi all thanks so much for being so welcoming, Im really nervous, its awkward trusting the internet! It makes me so cautious especially that I might trigger at reading something makes me so anxious!. To be honest I don't want to be on meds. I study too much about them to want to be on them!! Plus I wouldn't want to affect my studies. I really just want to feel better in myself, without meds just feel happy and okay about life.

Right now I mostly live a life sort of isolated, I stay away from big social functions that mean alcohol will be around, unless its at a house where I can go to a room away if I need the breather. I tend to shut the people out that add to the triggering, thus the lack of family around! But I also do this to friends and most importantly I push any potential love interest away. Which is probably why Im feeling so low right now!

I got into a situation where a person I knew and a university officer decided to publicly say some things about me on a facebook wall so everyone could see. He called me privilaged and spoke like I'd never seen or had anything ever happen to me. He basically called me a "cisgenered privileged, normative rich bitch". To be honest I don't consider myself better then anyone least of all privilege especially with what I've had happen. Neither am I normal or rich..though My ptsd does make me one hell of a bitch!! ...

T is a guy I've know for a while and he knows quite a bit about me, so was being amazing and fantastic, and supportive I couldn't believe it and then I triggered from what the arse said about me. The day after that I was in hell and like I normally do on crash and downfall from a trigger I just can't cope and I push away everything and everyone away. He knew I had PTSD, but it was out of the blue and he didn't know what to do or even say. I've apologized in 3 different messages, one when I realized what I'd done about an hour after. :/ unfortunately I've still not heard back from him. I physically hate how this makes me feel, like I'm losing the battle all the time! I'm not good with trust, or with getting to know many people. Let alone allowing someone into my life! I really want to find someone to have in my life, I know that Ive been told thousands of times that maybe its better if I was alone, but to be honest being alone just makes the voice correct that no one would want me. I feel broken, and scared that thats whats going to actually happen!

So this is hard but there you go that's what my week has included! Thank you though for the great welcome you all seem very nice :) and for reading and reading this too. I will always welcome advice or a kind word even just to know that I'm not alone which is really what I feel at the moment. I have good friends but I still have to explain things to them. I'm hoping here you guys might just understand me!
Anyway Goodnight x

 

[Lionmad]

So apparently I've gotten told off for what I wrote!!! anyone want to tell me what I said that's gotten me into trouble?

 

[Hashi]

Hi Lionmad,

If you got a notification from a moderator and don't understand it, it's best to post in the Help Forum to ask for clarification. Don't take it personally, most people get one when they first join. It's normal. Usually it's something like writing everything in one giant paragraph without breaking it up. Or it might be something else - the notice should tell you but you can always ask for more information.

This site has some basic rules for posting and they apply to everyone the same (everyone agrees to them as part of the sign up process). It keeps the site safe and the posts readable for people whose PTSD makes it hard to concentrate. It's not a big deal to get a notice, it's only a reminder to act on. Just ask in the Help Forum if you're not clear.