No Contact Means No!!!!!!

[Ellabella44]

I sent a note to my parents saying please do not contact me.

And today they fing called.

My husband talked to them and mentioned Friday after Thanksgiving.

No means no, no no no so why do they not listen?

Why does my husband not listen about being terrified of them?

No matter what I'm not going. And all I want to do is cry because I'm afraid, scream because I'm angry and terrified. I can't take this invasion of my home.

 

[Changing4Best]

Can you speak to your husband and tell him to uninvite them? Say to him that you will leave if they show up, and keep your promise if they do. My prayers are with you, I hope you accept prayers.

 

[sun seeker]

I sent a note to my parents saying please do not contact me.

And today they fing called.

Grr. Some people just don't get it.

One of my sisters did something like this and my mother kept writing her anyway. As long as my sister engaged, i.e. writing back saying why she didn't want contact, my mother was encouraged (Oh isn't this great, she's communicating kind of thing.)

Earlier this year I also got to a point where I had to cut off contact with my mother. It was a gradual and painful process. I had clear limits (admit to being responsible for certain things and commit to working on them and I'll consider continuing a relationship). She kept finding ways to worm her way out of actually admitting any responsibility. It wasn't until I was very blunt, with a family therapist for a witness, and said I simply would not keep on engaging unless she took responsibility (and spelled out what that meant) that she got it. She still refused to take responsibility. By the next session, she had found a way to rework the situation in her mind so cutting off contact was her idea. A narcissist always has to have the last word. I walked out (shaking, but I walked out) and never looked back.

Anyway, my point is you may have to be very blunt before they get that no means no.

 

[Della]

Well @Ellabella44 , do they know that you have PTSD? Sometimes eventhough the family may know that you have it, they still don't understand. the only thing that they know is that they want to spend time with their loved one. Sometimes we have a tendency to hold things on or for people that don't understand some things. Maybe that you should try to understand just a little that they don't understand you and you don't understand why they don't understand you? So, you may have both parties that just don't truly understand each other. As far as your husband goes, yes, she should have told them that you wanted no visitors at all that you just want to be to yourself at this holiday season. Best wishes to you dear. :-)

 

[Ellabella44]

OK I talked to my husband again, after I stopped crying and saying no on my room and hugging my stuffed kitty. He says they just wanted to know if we got the card for our anniversary.

Still the note I sent to them was sent a week ago and they should have gotten it.

@Della No they don't know I have PTSD. They wouldn't understand because it is partly from them. I guess I will have to send another one stating that, and if they want me to have any sort of recovery they need to respect my wishes.

They were "good parents" and I would not get anywhere with them if I discussed it with them.

My experience was that they bruised me, made my lips bleed if I talked back and more. I don't think they deserve me understanding them any further.

@sun seeker yep that's why this will never work out. At one point before I had my breakdown and she was "seeing a faith healer" I tried to discuss the problems in our relationship. All I got was her yelling "I don't need your negativity!" And hanging up on me.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm not liking your post because I like that it is that way. Just want to acknowledge that I understand. It took me a long time to get there for myself. It's so very hard.

 

[VioletButterfly]

First off - (((((Ellabella44)))))). Have you read any books on boundaries? Boundaries keep us safe. In life, we have to set them, sometimes even with our families. If you need space and time to heal, then you have a right to set a boundary and expect that it be respected. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or wants. No contact means no contact. What matters is what you think and what you need. Your number one job is to see to your needs. Please take care of yourself. VB

 

[Ellabella44]

Thing is I did set the boundaries. And their "need to see me" makes them want to ignore that. They stayed away for a year and seem to think that is enough time.

I posted my original post while having my meltdown. I completely fell apart just from hearing their voices. And even though I lost it badly, I reached out and listened to something calming.

I was able to text my sis in law who volunteered to be my buffer between myself and them. I posted here, I spoke to my husband about the reasons I'm scared of them, I called my therapist.

I have to call this experience an improvement. Since before this would have sent me into heavy binge drinking, laying down in a shock state, and screaming till I was hoarse in the basement.

 

[Friday]

<grin> Yep! Very good progress :)

One thing to know is that telling other people what our boundaries are? Doesn't mean they're going to stay on the other side of the line. Telling people is a courtesy, really. To know that if they call 500 times? You aren't going to answer the phone. Or send a message in response to a letter. Or, or, or. The boundary is ours. What we're going to do (aka not contact them or respond if they contact us). Not what they are going to do. Other people? Do their own thing. They do theirs. We've got ours.

 

[VioletButterfly]

It is awesome that you have wonderful resources at the ready and that you didn't lapse into old patterns.

I would share that with my family (mother and sister), I flat out had to turn my back and not respond in any way to voicemail or email or old fashioned mail. No telling them about boundaries anymore, just living behind the boundary that I set, giving them nothing. Unfortunately, due to my mother's Alzheimer's diagnosis, the boundaries have been breached over and again over the past 4 years. With my mother, I have ceased calling her because she has been at the point of a raving maniac since last October due to her disease. I chose, however, to be her POA last year, so I manage all aspects of her life. It's very triggering to have her front and center in my life when she, for all intents and purposes, destroyed mine. I'm having to redefine boundaries in managing her care within myself so that I take care of myself. I'm inspired by your ability to not go the way of maladaptive coping. I'm working on that. Wicked difficult for an ACOA who has addiction issues! With my sister, the email and conniving have stepped up due to my mother's illness as she wants her money, but after the last slanderous email hit my IN box, I made a decision that the next time one comes my way, I will be forwarding it to the attorney and asking that she take some kind of action to shut my sister down. That's my boundary with her. She gets no more of my time, attention, or power. Nada, zip!

I guess this is all to say that sometimes boundaries have to flex, but it sounds like you need space and time to deal with your needs right now. Your parents don't make this decision, you do. They don't have a vote in this matter, this is your life. Now, you just have to enforce it. Perhaps, you need to turn a deaf ear, as I did, and not respond to them, period, until you are ready. VB

 

[Ellabella44]

I'm exhausted this week. Keep waking up all night despite being on higher dose of my anxiety med. I'm trying to keep going, when I really need to recover from this bad shock. I've always held it in and numbed with alcohol. And kept it to myself.

I can't do that anymore. I'd rather puke than cry and loose my grip on everything. And I totally lost it. Nightmares this week are stuff I'd not tell my husband about. I'm hoping my sleep cycle resets when I feel safe again.

And hopefully that is soon. I can't let them take over and I'm really too raw with my symptoms to actively and in person take them on. Trying to not be too hard on myself for not being able to fight right now.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Have to run to work, but hang in there. Self care is most important right now. Can you call and talk with your T about your nightmares? If it's okay with you, I'll pray for you. If not, good vibes are coming your way. Take care. VB