Not Really Ptsd Related, But I Could Use Some Advice

[Deleted member 19804]

@Ayesha : thank you for taking the time to tell me your insights in this matter.

His parents are from New-Delhi and their and my their sons first language is Hindi. They are Hinduistic, but I don't know which caste they're in. They still have a lot of family members living in India, but a few others live in my country (the Netherlands).

I have gathered from his story that he's had a girlfriend before and that he told his parents about her then. He said that was before he moved out and that his parents were really angry about it. But they didn't disown or kick him out apparently.

Also, though after plenty of protest, the family has already accepted a muslim man and a Dutch man. They married his cousin and respectively his aunt. So I don't think that getting his parents' acceptance is completely impossible.

But of course before then I want to see if we can even make it in a more serious relationship where we see each other a lot more often.

I don't know much about the culture, but I try to take in as much as I can based on my boyfriend's stories. So far I've learned that socio-economic accomplishment is expected and strongly valued. I've been told that his parents believe that girlfriends are a distraction and that therefore a man shouln't date until he's got a good enough career. He is highly educated (2 university level master's degrees) and just started his first real job. Luckily, I am a student at uni, too and I take my studies very seriously. I think he and I are compatible on intelligence and maturity. I am also very interested in other cultures and languages, so if things work out I'd be happy to learn Hindi.

Anyway, I was glad to see that you are having such a good relationship with your husband and that there isn't too much conflict between you and his parents. And your multi cultural household sounds nice :) I hope your unique family stays this close and connected.

Thank you for your advice. Best wishes to you too.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@Snowwhite - you may find if you are able to talk to him that some of the things on your list of cons are just fears.

Oh I really hope they are just that. We've had a break from each other before and I was already preparing myself for losing him when he told me he would be glad to put more effort into our relationship. He even promised me things will be different for us when he gets his own place.

Maybe my fear isn't my gut talking, but the PTSD..

I will definitely talk to him again. I find it very hard to do, but I've done it before so I can do it again, right?

Thank you for your comments. They gave me a little bit of hope.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Just wanted to share: I had a very good talk about this with one of my closest friends today. I realized that there are a lot more pros to our relationship than I thought.

He immediately recognizes when I'm upset, even when I'm trying to hide it from him. And he apologizes without me having to steer the conversayion there. He also gives me those big strong hugs that make me feel all warm and tingly and safe.

He is genuinely interested in my life and wants to help me out wherever he can. He has never betrayed my trust before and I feel like he really acceots me for who I am.

Maybe my fear consists largely of myself trying to sabotage the relationship; because in order to not get hurt, you can't let in any of the good stuff either.

I'm still going to talk to him about my worries, but I'm going to try to trust him and enjoy my feelings for him.