Not supposed to tell

[Placebo]

I was in a grocery store shopping. You can't get away from it. The music. The memories. Some days in better than others. I practice mindful meditation. But, I can't ever get away from it. They were so loud. I never had a voice. I can never talk to anyone about what happened. My tragedy of hope as a child will always hurt. I hoped so bad to grow up and get away from the bullying. I thought I could. But, I will never be free. I can't get away from it. It's everywhere. It's in my face. I don't listen to music. I don't listen to the radio. I try not to think any more unless I have to. They tortured me so bad. I said the N word to a bunch of white racist guys I went to school with and they tortured me for it. I know it was a bad word. But, they tortured me before I said it. They have friends in the government who tortured me too. I was just a kid. I was just a stupid kid. I loved that guy so much and he had people watching me have sex at 16. I didn't know he was hurting me. I didn't know until it was too late. They have friends so high up in the government they can do anything they want to me, and have help doing it. I don't ever want to be born again. I don't want to go to hevan. I don't want to go to hell because I've lived it mentally, psychologically in this life time. I want to never exist. I can't get away from it. I can't get away from them saying stuff about it too me. I was just a kid.

 

[Placebo]

I want to become enlightened like the Buddha to end my suffering. I want to realize and not just know what not having a self is. I don't want to exist in heaven, hell, or the middle place of extreme existence from good modern world to extreme poverty/suffering like we have here (middle place or ground floor if you will of not complete hell realms) earth. I don't want to go to heaven to finally be forgiven for what I did or what was done to me growing up in "bakersfield" by the sea. I understand saying the N word to a bunch of white elitist is unforgiveble. I also understand the misunderstanding of my tortured psychosis, and pain that no one acknowledged. I hurt so bad I went crazy because I couldn't handle how tragic my hope had left me. I would never live down what my stalkers did, and what I did that one night of my year anniversary on drugs. I've never sexually done that again to anyone. I've never been able to love a man after that,so I don't care as I can't trust any man to not hurt me. I don't want to be with my family in heaven either. I would like to see my Aunt Jane and Uncle Chuck again, but not my Mom and Dad or siblings. While I love them here; I just am ok with them never having me being born into there life. Sometimes love isn't enough to make you want to spend eons with a group of people who see you as less than. I want to not exist, and that is the only constant from 10 years old on that keeps coming back. The ones with a voice made sure the memory of how much a piece of shit I am last long after I die. Like its written in stone that in my psychosis I used the N word. They made sure I knew I was being watched, but denial was taught me me throughout my life as a family value for so long it was a part of who I am, and so engrained into me it was all I knew how to do as a self defense mechanism. I want to be free of existance, life, and suffering. There must be pain to have the opposite not as if not pain joy would just be, so no word would be needed to describe it, and no opposite would exist without it.
I think Christians are insane. Stuck on the crucifixion, in the death, in the sin of man that wasn't present in other cultures as true if you know world history some places did not be live in death sacrifice murder of any living thing it was local to that area of the world which isn't even my ancestry until they concurred them way back then. Stuck on forgiveness, and believing forgiveness because man killed a "profit," or God to some. Blood worship, and cannibalism symbolically after murdering a man praying to take in body and soul is beyond insane to me. It is a western world reality only. The redemption of the dinner even if they would not have been in the crowd cheering, but the followers crying. I would have been the rejected one following him back then, so why do I need forgiveness for what the status quo people did to him? I think science and Buddhism for so well together for a reason. Buddhism realized the power of the being, and in its reality describes things science is just now proving. They also don't follow old text that can be proven wrong in their religion. They stopped believing in any type of astrology after it had been proven scientifically unfit, but with Christianity there is a being we are in the image of with 5 finger and toes who created this limited world, and small universe they knew of back then.
I don't want to exist as a self anymore. It hurts to much to know that sexual abuse is condoned, justified, and blamed on an unknowing kid, by both government and civilian people who justify psychological torment even after hurting some teenage girl so bad they go temporarily insane. Their self righteous ego that has no room for understand their victims perspective or pain is something I can't wrap my mind around. I don't want to exist in a heaven where sacrifice and pain are worshiped as gateways to forgiveness to happily ever after. Even after other women have been so hurt by the same actions they kill themselves, and the law acknowledged over and over again it is wrong their ego focuses on one word, and misunderstanding of people knocking on Windows in the dark. That back yard was nothing but pain to me, and that is all they wanted was to be in a place I couldn't handle. Knock knock knock the boys just drove you out of college, school, and everywhere so we will knock on that window as you fear them in that place. But, you said the N word...... You deserve to die. At the worst time of your life we will push and pull in you call you a blue eyes who're in our art watching you suffer our judgement of the unforgiven, but we're all going to heaven together forgiven for any and every wrong we've done. Stuck on the crucifixion and loving the self righteousness we feel causing you unfathomable pain.
No no heaven for me thank you. Others can go and celebrate their blessings as being anointed above everyone else. God's sacred coven has blessed them, and they openly say they are blessed while cursing others as not. I don't want to exist as a self as a reality as a being as being born. I was sacrificed by my family as my brother repeated shi t rolls down hill my whole childhood stealing my neighbor friends and bullying me calling himself there big brother and bullying me as if we were not blood at all. He took there family and enjoyed the function as an adopted member of a healthy family while I was stuck with a drink mother and mentally ill father to clean after and be the scapegoat.
I don't want to go to heaven and be with them for an eternity while the blood worshiping forgiven blessed ones sing and rap for all. They made sure my pain and disgrace would go on long after I died in song and rap and joy of a teenage girls suffering and torment as I was stalked while I cried. I don't want to exist anymore. I don't want the pain. Suicide is not an option as it would hurt the innocent kids born after me in my family. Scaring them emotionally, and possibly leaving them weak for a man to help them as Scott helped me. I felt dirty for years. I can't be with men any more. I tried, but I can't talk if sex is involved, and I can't trust. I'm always scared they have a video recorder somewhere to show anyone who wants to see. I was just a kid and I loved him, and I was stupid to think he loved me.
I don't want to exist as a self, a thing, a person born alive. I am trying to be free from that reality that makes me think I ever existed at all. The government can rape me all they want and pass me around to new people. They are insane anyway, and atheist I have found are the most dangerous of all. Psychopaths who worked into power, and worship their famous friends. I don't want to be in heaven with them. I don't want to hear songs sung about my worst time alive.
I pray for non existence to an empty space and Mahayana practitioners who still have magic even though they have no body in this dimension to claim. I will do d a way to make it so it's like I never existed at all. Knowing the facts of how no self is true is different from realization. While I understand the scientific reality of it, and the deep intellectual words. I haven't realized it's reality, but I will find a way to not ever to have existed, and stop all pain. The flashbacks when I am tiered are to much to take. Life demands exhaustion, even if happiness while temporary seems to be from the actions that make you exhausted in the first place. To never to have been born, and to never be born again is the gift of Theravada that I have started to embrace. Being mindful of excruciating flashbacks of when it hurt to much to bring into reality is so hard. Just feeling the pain as tears stream down my face is better that the sobbing that overtakes me sometimes. No I don't want to go to heaven and hear the songs and honors they take.
I will find a way to not exist at all. I understand it is indescribable to have that freedom from from time and space.

 

[Placebo]

They are like bricks, they are like rocks, nothing deeper or less dense than that. Putting meatheads in charge of a kids pain is something a person as dense as a rock would do. Watching people and her family and psychiatrist tell her she is insane while putting her on medication while she is not, and doing things that would make her think she is insane like hallucinating is something only a person as dense as a brick would do. Continuing to hurt her because she was in so much pain she went into a psychosis over so many emotions is sadistic. Only a brick or a rock could be this dense, cold, cruel, and sadistic. With that being an obvious fact and communication has always only been one way; loud powerful voices screaming on technology only the powerful have access to. Why should I be upset? Why get mad at a brick, or a rock? Deeper realities, feelings, depth, and intellect are something a person can be hurt by ........ Energy of emotions felt as physics has no words, but humans call vibes hurt. Rocks, and bricks are simply what they are dense, heavy, powerful, and can break it kill a person. Rocks, bricks, heavy as led, so why be more hurt as I have been. No human characteristics of higher beings have hurt me. I'm the image of there god? Is their God a rock shaped like a man with no higher intellect as science, and reason. I am grateful for the realizations I do have while contemplating the nature of reality as Bhuddism has taught me over the years. Why be hurt at, or by a brick or a rock? It is only doing what is in its nature. Being used as a tool that can build, or distroy, and in my case from teenage life and then on it has been used to hurt and destroy on many levels. Meat head is a kind thoyght, but again inaccurate as meat is built and will atrophy with no use. They bricks, and rocks....... Nothing more and nothing less. I'm the image of their God, or in the reality of their lack of scientific knowledge and atheist. A brick or a rock...... It is waistful, silly, and only in illusion that I have been so broken and tortured with hurt.

 

[Placebo]

Auto correct never makes sense... ... If they are made in the image of their God...... They are worshiping a rock in space......

 

[Placebo]

They had a feature of facebook, but because the owner of facebook is friends with people who hurt me, and is also a government watch group I was tortured again instead of just stating what had factually happened to me again with the mind rape. When I lived at Bakersfield by the sea I was told I had to love my neighbors after they basically virtually raped me. Made me feel raped anyway. They saw me crying so many times and never stepped in to help I found out later. They celebrated my stalking, my boyfriend hiding that he let people watch me while he had sex with me, and I was a kid. No one ever tried to be my friend they just cebrated everything that would hurt as if it was funny. The government is full of bricks and rocks just tools doing what they are told, or want to do, but the lack of humanity from my neighbors has been hard over the years to fathom. I know life is a popularity contest now, but was told by my parents over and over adults dont do that it's kid stuff. It was completely psychological torture, and no excilise can be made for it. Thats ok rocks and bricks hurt me the most because I couldn't get away from it in my home. Rocks and bricks...... Meat head would imply the use of the mind which were not what was used. Psychologically raping and torturing a teenage girl. Nothing is beneath that, but how can I get mad at a tool. A dense rock. I understand my reaction and smoking pot to stop the pain for years..... Chain smoking cigarets as a lot of torture victims do. I can be kind to myself a bit more now. But, I have to work so hard to just survive mentally with out excruciating pain. Tools do what they were made to do, rocks can kill, and yes I got stoned to death by rocks, but it's only a spiritual death. They leave after its over. As long as im not on there web site their new God machine Facebook like TV and the radio they own it all as masters of others fate. Bricks and rocks...... it helps to see with no illusion why I should not be so upset.

 

[Ronin]

Does avoiding religion as a whole help you any?

Sounds it is exacerbating your distress hard, so wondering if maybe ignoring it would give you some peace of mind.

 

[Placebo]

Why did they have to "act" like house painters? Why couldn't they just be straight? And, because I thought something was up I got upset. I was obviously upset. Why couldn't no one be straight up and knock on my front door and talk to me like a human being? I understand I was just barely good enough to f*ck, or not good enough to f*ck, and according to them needed a breast and nose job. I hadn't even finished going through physical puberty. So, why all the bullshit? Why all the trap like it wasn't torture? Ok, you like guys who have spit on me, and bullied me from 10 on to the point of running away from home to avoid school (and home). Ok, so you like hurting women your a serial woman hating freak? Or is it just the deformed ones like me, or the bad ones that didn't wait until they were married, or is it me personally? All the crying I did away from my parents and somewhere I though was safe did it for you, got you all got and bothered and you needed more? Rocks and bricks, no higher intelect, no depth of character, no history of culture to make you above suck low degrading acts. Bricks and rocks, no emotional intelect, no higher consciousness such as empathy or comapsion; bricks and rocks no character that last no opinion that doesn't change with out popular aproval. Nothing is real to them, but they don't believe they live in an illusion. They were going to make me rich? How long after they tortured me, or how long after they controlled me, or how long after someone had sex with me, or how much pain did you need to see. No cut quit acting because it want an act. They were full of ego and self righteousness that they over looked an obvious fact. And, who in my pain did I sell out to in the end? Who's soul was for sale, and who had no morals in the end. Actions speak louder than words, and hate is an act not a word. So, who acted in hate over and over again. Starting at 10 rejecting, bullying, hating with so much disgust. Even speaking of my grossness until Scott f*cked me and they hid. Then suddenly they wanted to stick their dic k deep within. I was sexually raped spiritually and emotionally. A gang rape to be exact. I couldn't celebrate it, laugh, or even be live it was real because it was so painfully like the movie Carry but I burnt nothing down. Bricks and rocks bricks and rocks. I made a lot of mistakes as a kid, but isn't that what growing up is about? Making mistakes and learning from them, so why torture the shi t out of one girl who was so hurt in her own back yard. Why act like painters? I still don't get it. Why not just be straight unless your not straight, but then why act as if I'm crooked and racist or just a bad person? No one can handle it, no single one teenage girl could handle it. I wonder if I'm going to be tortured for the rest of my life? I don't want to go to heaven. I want to never exist. I don't want Jesus to forgive me as he would know I would have been his real friend not in the kings court laughing where the money is at. Why so two faced? Why do sick? Bricks and rocks..... Bricks and rocks...... How can I be mad at them they have bricks and rocks for brains nothing they use for depth of intelect, and their character as a person, as a man has been obvious from the start. How can I be mad at a rock. It just does as its used. No empathy, no compasion, no insight into the human condition, no higher functioning at all. Bricks and rocks no big deal if your caught. Everyone knows what a sick man is, so no excuse no lies everything was said already no one can change ways been said, and I of all people know that. Bricks and rocks..... Bricks and rocks..... I learned my lesson before I was gang raped and through I would soon be free to be around good people no more bullies, but hay it seems like a lot of people wanted a piece of that cruel joke. A blue eyed whore was all they could see. Bricks and rocks..... I understand my psychosis and my insanity and my hurt and my shock and my dear and my pain and my humiliation and my over walking star struck freak out. No one could be that cruel right that's all I could think. How could that be real no one would watch me sob in the back for so long and not ask me if I was ok. No one would watch a grown man lie to some teenage girl while sticking his sick in her not even kissing her or being sweet. I smoked cigarette he said..... He didn't like to kiss me, but he did say I love you when we're were other places often or be a complete dick..... I was prime for someone to abuse. Again no one said "hay can I help." No one said anything until I was happy with new teeth. No one said anything when I was 15 fat and miserable all alone and sad they just hid and watched stalked and hated. Actions speak louder than words love isn't torture and how dare you say it was. Bricks and rocks.... Bricks and rocks..... I want to be free like a Buddha and never be happy, sad, entrapped by clinging to myself or life. I want to never be born. I want to be free. Why? I don't understand why they were so crooked and couldn't just knock on my front door and say "hay we think your funny want to come out and play?" Nope is was all sex f*cking sucking shows and player and pimps. Jokes and cruel humiliation never "can I help you, or are you ok" while I cried in the dark they had video cameras and sick two faced realities. Most likely if human nature is looked at, and reality finally acknowledged I will most likely know the suffering of torture and all its consequences for the rest of my life. My parents have known its reality that it hurts everyone in the family as human scientific studies have shown. We have all suffers at the hands of their egos and cruelty me most of all. Bricks and rocks..... What can I say. I do have ear plugs for stores now so even if I'm exhausted I can go in with out getting flash backs from the music. I have a lot of years experience meditating, and that has brought it's own magic I should say. A lot of years working my as s off just to survive with out excruciating pain. So one of us are not spoiled brats in society trying to sell more shi t like we didn't do it in the Roman days. Kids seriously are into orgies again f*cking please can we get something new already. My poor nieces all the technological advances in the world can't stop Hollywood from selling old shit repackaged because their using their creativity on sex and partying life away. I think the new artist are scientist anyway. It's a new art considering when Jesus Buddha and Allah were around most people were still living in caves. I'm to old for a revolution, but something new for the kids would be nice. Thank God I don't have any. I'm grateful nature made sure I was barren and therefore useless to most men. Bricks and rocks the depth and intellect of stones. Yes that many stones thrown at one person would be stoning to death I suppose. I am just one woman all alone. Bricks and rocks all of them just for one. I like writing.

 

[Placebo]

I wake up and it's the first thing in my mind. Surviving psychological torture is very difficult. People will say things like "just don't think about it," but it's in my head before I even open my eyes. It's been over 2 0 years, but I was still stalked. I didn't know honestly I didn't know the government was a part of what hate raped me in high school well.They thought it was good to celebrate my noncommercial non knowing underage teen porn and it was good to have a debutant party for what everyone was calling the little whore. I thought I was hallucinating. I just found out a few years ago none of it was a hallucination. I thought for years it was hallucinating with maybe some real maybe some not. I never knew what was real and continually would get torturous flash backs to things I wasn't even sure about. I blocked a lot of it out of my memory. I went through a phase for a few short months where I watched porn. I had always been mainly celibate most of my life and most people I knew were very sexually open at the time. So I watched porn and got over it in a few months, but I did it. I didn't know people tapped into my computer and were still watching me. I thought I was paranoid from high school so I forced myself to get over it. I was wrong they were watching me. f*ck I can't even tell you why except they are freak rapist controlling psycho bastards. I had a helicopter fly way to close to my house and I was already getting bad ptsd stuff, and I lost it bad like lost it bad everything from high school I repressed came out. Not the memories but my reactions. I can't tell you of how excruciating emotional pain has to be physically hurt you bad you lose your sanity. The psychological torture has physically hurt so bad over the years. I don't know what I did in all my past lives but I must have been very bad. I was a kid and because a man hurt me and I didn't want to f*ck a rap star or be a star they've been torturing me. My life is gone. Bricks and rocks that's all these psychopaths are. Bricks and rocks who honestly bro eve in nothing and don't care about anything. Bricks and rocks I need to remember that. If as a kid someone famous wants to f*ck you or someone in the government wants to f*ck you I guess you better put it or get tortured. Lesson learned I thank God for my age the older I am the less desirable I am. They like young girls in that industry. Bricks and rocks...... Bricks and rocks....... Belief in nothing just bricks and rocks.....

 

[Placebo]

The hardest part in struggling with now is how not to take it on as my identity. I didn't do that to anyone. I didn't hurt that guy my first noyfriend. I didn't do anything like that to him. I didn't stalk anyone. I minded my own business. I never made anyone feel raped and hang raped. I never bullied anyone. Honestly I only reacted once completely in anger to my bullies and unfortunately used the n word, but they hung out with a bunch of racist guys so I thought it was an insult. I was insane or mad with anger I guess you could say. I did do that, and I did act inappropriately when I couldn't get away from people who made me feel raped. I acted like a little kid but psychiatrist have helped me understand I went back to somewhere safe which was before my mom went back to work as a little one about 4. I never shunned anyone for being hurt. I never had a huge ego that allowed me to play God and judge someone as totally evil. But, again a few years ago was in pain pills after a surgery and pain pills always get me angry or supper sad so I did say a few things out of a little anger. I never bullied anyone into suicide because they weren't cool, and I have been bullied into that extent right after high school. I never sexually abused someone or pimped anyone out. I've never "played" someone and used them and lies to them to get their emotions manipulate them and hurt them all for some make believe game I'm playing with someone's heart. I've never ganged up on someone standing alone to shame them and make them suffer (not even in the new Roman arena of internet shaming). I have had issues with my parents and rightfully so but I never gave up on our relationship and always tried to make it better. I've never video raped someone crying and used it to hurt them. I've never laughed at someone's torture. I hate that dealing with such psychological torture makes me feel like a bad person, and makes me question everything about myself. I have never used my position of power to hurt anyone who has no power. I have never used my voice while someone else has none to get arenas of people to enjoy their shame. I have never used someone's suffering and inability to get away, defend themselves, or ever be able to have a voice as a muse for art. Never would I use someone's hurt to enjoy holding the! dOwn. The government is so brainwashed by all the entertainment worship in our society they think everyone should be like them and worship at the feet of ignorant idols (I say ignorant as in basic broad basic education and knowledge of scientific statistics as to the influence of their power and sales on societies well being). I didn't worship at the feet of their Gods (even though as a kid they were God's to me ..... I was mortified that they saw me live through what I was hoping to be the worst of my life) I wouldn't now down and get for someone's dic k to be in my mouth. I was raised with a mother and father even though they had their issues I had a balance of make and female influence who had been married for a long time. They were older that a lot of parents and had some morals that were higher than money. I didn't bow down to their Gods the men in the government stand proud to worship and emulate. I was primed for torture honestly. The government helped men and women in Hollywood rape the f*ck out of my mind. My mind got so gang raped I couldn't even walk straight for years. I was bent over crippled with pain and shame in that town as so many shamed me for not being able to take a big bang bang joke. No one ever said can I help you when I was hurting so bad that winter, but that spring the minute I was happy they jumped on me and screamed they watched me get f*cked and never kissed just tested like some lunch money cow to a guy who was looking to pimp me out for a better ride and more money. I've been tortured for a lot of years. But, I have found Buddhism and have found a lot of hope and mental training that has helped me survive. I had a form of DID and heard voices for about a decade after Hollywood wanted to give me a teenage debutant whore party. I found a way to stop that and even though the government and Hollywood gang raped me again a few years ago to straighten out my confusion and teach me a lesson again about power I guess; I still did not hear voices after a second gang power rape of the mind. I know it's not about "deserving" being raped as much as being a power rape of convenience . I guess I'm my stupidity and continued abuse in my childhood did the psychological normal proven human thing and made it easier for a power rape. It's not uncommon for defense mechanisms to hurt more than help. I said "f*ck the boys club" on "only to me" a face book feature at the time. It wasn't only to me nothing about me is mine. After they gang raped me and took away my home, my dafety, my hope, my life I owned nothing according to them. After that power rape in high school (and I did feel beyond raped) I have nothing that is sacred it's all theirs to kiss and shi t on. I was stupid as a kid. That is part of why they say I deserved it because I was stupid. I grew up in institutions for the most part aa type stuff rehabs and didn't know the real world. Everything was from the eyes of reformed people. Because of my isolation and stupidity they said even further I deserved it. I have nothing that is mine. They watched me grow up pretty much from ( kids 10 years old, but government 16) 16 on. Everything I am is not owned by me. Nothing is sacred that I have had in my life. It's all been power raped by people I've never met. Thank God for Buddhist literature and my interacts with an ex monk I could survive a little better psychologically for a lot of it. They've watched me grow up with low self esteem (I wish it was just none but it was low so a negative number none is good in mybelief), and stumble through things someone who feels less than dog shi t stumbles through like a bad relationship and no boundries; things like that. They have been sure to be a detriment to me spiritually, psychologically, physically, and emotionally but have never been an asset I'm just a stupid girl, a stupid whore. Bad people are in the government just like in the Catholic priest of the world. They trade off people and do what they will. Yes the bad Catholic priest have kept me in their circle of suffering. They let me know I will never be free, but my life is so boring now that their isn't much to see. I have earplugs for grocery stores and places that keep their sirens so loud you can't ignore it. Like the Catholic religion some priest some powerful people have their own perversions. Teenage girls is one of them f*ck this was happening around the time of epstine 's island party crew. Yes, it happened to me, but you'll never hear about #me too. The real pain the real suffering that has taken place will always be hidden by a "boys club" grown men who justify it. No one was ever straight with me because their bad people like the priest. But it, sell it, f*ck it, own it like nano bots they be live their brainwashed bullshit and keep making more. Bricks and rocks as dense as led do you think their soul sinks or floats to heaven in the end? Is their a rock in space they are in the image of? Bricks and rocks I can't be upset anymore how can I get mad a a rock a tool no "evolved" consciousness just a thing just a tool. It's already happened it's to late to go back now. I just will keep.arriving for freedom the one where the idea of self dies. I don't want to be born ever again in heaven, hell, or in earth and yes I'm that level of sever suffering they did win. They did me a favor I guess to realize pain and suffering to the core of myself and every cell of my being excruciating pain has made me want to be free. They want to continue they cherish themselves they cling to life and will be recycled as physics has pointed out. They have made me want true freedom not just the American lie. America has never and will never be free as Catholic priest are in the government like every agency and world religion has hidden inside. I wasn't to realize nonself. I never did any of the bad shi t they did. I have never been a gangster and honestly stopped doing bad shi t before the power gang bang drive me insane I was ashamed deeply ashamed that's obvious. Epstines island everyone wants a ride. It started at 15 for me then 16 was bad, and 17 it was over so according to them old enough, but my dad still had control and that was all I knew inside. Bricks and rocks soul as heavy as led they be live in nothing and are always right inside their heavy dense head. Bricks and rocks no point in carrying this hurt. A brick and a rock are what they are proven over and over again. Why be mad or hurt ? Enough rocks thrown at you can stone you to death but their just tools in the end. Things nothing deeper nothing evolved no empathy no compassion but like a sociopath can feel the force of being thrown and the thump of the fall. For a rock just ssitting there dead that feeling of flying the power of the hitting is something better than being just an unused tool completely limp and dead. Catholic priest deal with a lot of childmolesters, it seems like they looked for that interaction with a group of trusting people. It would seem to me a power house like the government agencies would have psychopaths and sociopaths trying to get in. Like bricks and rocks just wanting to fly to hit something with force and possibly make it die. They will manipulate the facts and steal the truth they get a thrill of the flight and the power they misuse. Bricks and rocks and tools they use why be mad they just tortured one person is their excuse. Bricks and rocks that's all bricks and rocks like bad Catholic priest.

 

[Placebo]

The word annihilate came into mind. As in they annihilated me. It stings a little to be powerless and to have been tortured so hard for so long by bullies who get off on the power they have over others especially because sex was used as a tool to torture me with. Sex is so personal so inside a woman not external and a tool to poke shit with. I was sexually raped even if it was no touch and only by a town full of boys and men laughing with their famous and powerful friends. It's taken so much time, joy, happiness, safety, health, music, entertainment, self esteem, pride, autonomy, self, femininity, sexuality, realationships, and love away from me. I am grateful though because it is not often a person in a first world country gets to realize on the deepest of levels the suffering that the Buddha talked about. The truth that everything leads to suffering. All happiness all hot all sensual pleasure everything leads to suffering in the end. No one can escape old age, or death, and these atheist in high up places can only accept nothing after the body does as truth. Forgiveness from a man they would themselves crucify over and over again just to feel good and be happy for only themselves in the end always being a greedy pig their happiness above all others f*cking right who is this person they speak of in lies to themselves? Ignorance keeps them safe in their illusion and lies. They showed me their true selves and their God they worship nothing else. They have me the gift to want to end the suffering that no heaven can make up for in the end. I will not go to heaven where their music and popularity party continues to ride on high blessed and anointed by a God who sees none of the secrets they hide. I have been blessed with the truth that everything leads to suffering in the end. The things that saved me as a child from suicide getting bullied made me feel completely raped in the end. There is no way around it. I have to deconstruct every atomic particle my continuous gangs on to to be free in the end. I have astral projected, bilocated, seen the future quite a few times (only a few days ahead) I have had outside sources confirm these things as stuff they have seen me do. There is something outside of the physical brain a consciousness of awareness like the dna and rna of the self in a single atom which after death is all that remains. I want this code of myself to be free the amazing things and gifts I've gotten in deep mediation are still nothing compared to the sadistic torment of what other conscious living beings have done to me. Happiness needs an opposition to exist a counter part to know what happiness is in contrast to not having happiness so suffering will always be experienced at some point. I have seen true cruelty from so many in power at this point. I am grateful they have been my best teachers bricks and rocks with that in their nature hardness and masculine annihilating feminine and soft just to feel their power and get off. I pray to nothing for freedom from the cycle of pain. Where there is life their is suffering and they made it so excruciating in the end. Unusually excruciating not.just like I can't get pregnant pain that I've lived through and just normal rape that again I've lived through but the bad pain the pain of being completely powerless and helpless with so many watching and cheering it on. I will be free someday if not this life time the next. I will find away to be free from life all together someday. having sentient beings choose to do and perceive as they have done is enough for me to never want to live again. I will be free namoamidabutsu.

 

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So, the more I understand it. The more I understand like bad Catholic priest who are deviant, sick, and have an odd pull from deep inside to experience that deviance the people who have been doing this are like that, or they are like bricks they are like rocks they are like stone..... Just stupid tools being used by a bad Catholic Priest so he can get what he wants. Bad Catholic priest had power and trust of people. These men and some women have power and people's trust. The revenge of me not doing what they wanted was to "keep me in a virtual cage" of powerlessness and contained with in my surroundings where's ever that it is. It is to be captive in a very large cage I guess you could say. I could not and was not allowed to grow up in any semblance of normal or mainstream reality. I couldn't turn on the radio for over a decade unless I was stoned out of my mind and in denial (used to love music, but it's dead to me now, and just a nuisance of sound) or I would cry or have things I couldn't listen too. I tried but it just got me all f*ck ed up and no I be knew why I was crazy. Still no one knows the like the bad Catholic priest I think that the level of two face they hold gives them an extra thrill because they get one over on everyone around them who doesn't know what they really are, and can get all of the benefits of being "good" in our society, and the power they have they can use however they want it reaffirms that the power they used to hurt me is theirs and not something they are borrowing from the structure of system they get that power from. They can take ownership of it, and that it's not just borrowed from a job or a temporary social status that power they have used in now theirs and they owned it by using it in a deviant manner just like that extra thrill a bad Catholic priest would get. That two faced "I got away with it" is truly what they have in the end. They did it on their own free will no one made them, and they could have done something else it was their decision and use of power with their judgement their actions their energy their essence of who they are...... It is not mine or me, and my free will chose to not hurt people to not use my sex or creative energy to hurt people, or to be cruel and inhuman even if I did break down and scream one in and anger a bad word. All structures that contain humans will have sick deviant sects as humans are imperfect and range widely. It will also as we've seen in the Catholic church have tools that protect the deviants because of numerous reasons, but they are simply tools being used and unable to use their power in a manner that would be in accordance with their inner selves. Tools are tools like bricks and rocks they worship stones and have excuses for every weakness they poses. Bad Catholic priest exist but it doesn't make the church bad. It just is the reality of this level of existence on earth. I do not want to be born into heaven realms or hell realms or earth again. Leave it to the crazy people always chasing happiness or justifying their entire existence as blessed by a man in the sky...... So, is heaven like it is now forever? Like in Jesus's day it had no cars. So now does it have cars? I love Buddha's thoughts of many dimensions and many realms and many worlds. I also love the idea that we can become truly free and never be born or be alive only to die again. I love how physic s shows energy can be transformed and changed but can not be destroyed. I love how we have so much his car proof of the paranormal as well. I want to be free to never to exist again. I'm sorry the bad Catholic priest picked up where the meat heads and bricks for brains dropped me off after they totally made me feel gang raped as a high school kid. They were always their watching anyway. It's why I saw some stuff I shouldn't in the background of what was watching me someone was watching them. Sometimes something's are off the books so to speak....... Sometimes they do things that are obvious to some but not the sheep. The things I saw in the background before they came I told them I knew a few days before, but unfortunately because of that spiritual awakening I thought I was just insane. How could I be psychic? Further proof of hallusinating...... I saw the bad guys the really bad guy the stones as heavy as led and the bad Catholic priest behind them all and still there in the end. I stay away. Their is no excuse for that insanity of self righteous ego and unchecked power. I just leave it alone as I know this is only earth just the gateway for those who escape hell, or the grounds in which higher beings come down for reasons to numerous to be known. This is earth their domain and often as high as they go.
Bad Catholic priest are everywhere even i n Buddhism of this I am aware. B ut, it has so much information I can go forward with out having to claim it as a religion of i don't want to. I just need the information not to be one of the people claiming to be it. There are some really bad people who only have their own self interest at the top, in fact all of them from what I have seen so far. They aren't necessarily deviant though. but, the ones who are follow in their shadow. Bricks and rocks why be mad, So music makes me suffer I'll turn it off that isn't so bad, and tv movies entertainment at best is a waist of time or like rage against the machine said the sleeping gas, and mother f*ckas lost their mind. Mass mind rape....... No free will just sucking it in. OK, so nothing left of that for me. No going to nice places to party. Nothing of myself do I recognize in the mirror but the self dies not exist and so this illusion I see means nothing in the end. Happiness is fleeting and addicting and makes one chase after it of that I am sure. Trying to just exist and breath is what I'm left will and as long as I don't look around or try to fit in or want anything in the future that is to say have no hope I'll be ok. My hope was my biggest tragedy growing up. It was the worst torture I've ever endured to have it taken away when I was so close to what I thought freedoms was, I was close to being an adult. That tortured me for years and gave me nightmares for long I've a decade. Hope is the greatest tragedy one can engage in I now know. Hope for something better, different, a goal to obtain, or anything really. My hope being crushed tortured me so bad it's what gives me flashbacks when I hear music, so I just have to use ear plugs. I just wanted to grow up and have some free will and choice in my furutre. I dreamed of going to college or working and just being free back then learning to drive was a big deal, so maybe get a car and love on my own and have new friends I could meet, but I didn't know they would hurt me that bad. I doubt know famous people would laugh and scream at me celebrate my feeling raped and also just not give a damn about how I felt. They wanted what they wanted and with the ego game gives you the expected what they want. I couldn't do it it hurt to much when I got caught being human; and not a walking ego proud slut. I don't know they would follow me wherever I went I didn't know I couldn't move with out someone saying they know all about it. I stay away from the wealthy good parts of town. Famous people like wealthy and just expect the poor to now down. They talk and hang out with wealthy people it doesn't matter how gangster the hood was they left it and kept the money ones with connections honestly. So from past experience have as little to do with wealthy people and as little to do with anyone because of the bad Catholic priest feel on a whim to drive me crazy or do something while I'm weak again I'll lose all my friends. People don't like crazy people and I'm now one of them. They ignore poor people. The people I love. They people I ran away to when the wealthy boys club on the hill spit on me as a kid. Poor people are what Jesus hung out with in not better than a timeless profit. Eventually these false idol God's today will be hurried and their memory will not last forever like Jesus or Buddha or Mohammad so I will try to get free of all incarnation itself. I don't want to go to the heaven they all picture and see them in concert above. I'm good we would go to different realms and places anyway, but the pain they have given me is something a soul remembers always. I will arrive to be free in all my incarnations forver.Happiness leads to pain that is inescapable in the end. I don't want to exist ever again.

 

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In the end no one can make it better. No one can make it right. No one wants to. No one cares. Like bad Catholic priest who just raped a girl nothing can be done. The kid they just raped has to live with it. And the priest who did it will find another one. No escape from it. No one cares. It's the American way. It's all government s though no lies in my head there. We just worship uneducated entertainer s here. That might not be different anywhere else though it seems. I have to just live with it. Knowing they can do what ever they want to me at any minuite. Knowing I'm Singled out. Knowing other people can do these things but I can not. My friends in high school were worse than me. Scott ducked Amanda in her back yard for everyone to see, but they only hurt me. I will never be equal to anyone. Equality is a lie. I am not even equal to my peers in my category of uglyiness and classlessness in life. No one will ever help me. I just have to find a way to end my existence alone. I can not be like other people I understand hate is an action not a word and their actions define their feelings for me. They gang raped my mind as a kid. Took away my ability to live normally in this world. It's too late now. f*ck off from the bricks and rocks and the man they worship watching over us in space. It will never be right or made to be ok. I just have to live with it and understand it will never end completely safety is an illusion some man will always want to hurt me and force me into something I'm not. I just have to hide out and put eat plugs in and love with no more thoughts. Hope has always been the greatest tragedy of my life. They biggest cause of my torture is when I hope for the future and I won't ever again because of the rocks. I will keep trying to realize non self and ignore the weird magical things that may try to keep me in samsara with them to continue to live again and again. I don't want to go to heaven I want to not exist in the end. Bad Catholic priest hurt ones with no power below. I am a no power being just trying to live all alone. My tits went as bad as I made them seem but in my self hate a bit of exaggeration is what they raped me with which is honestly rediculuos. Ok I have had toys their small and one is bigger than the other (like my arms) if I don't pay attention and make sure to even it out in a work out (I use my right arm and side way more) I don't really care. By about 19 I could him with out a be a but I didnt anyway. I don't have good tits I have a big nose now I'm old and wrinkly and poor so f*cking what. Yeah I've always been a piece of shot not good enough to be understanding to but grose enough to torture I get it. Throw a contest on a radio play candid camera r rated movie Carry style. Get the whole town involved in making a teenage girl feel raped no it's cool. She doesn't have big tits and a little nose you can rape her at her house her dad is an old fat piece of shit and her mom is a stupid happy idiot. I understand exactly what they have done. Actions speak louder than words yes it was hate from begging to end. My bullies hated me and I didn't even know their name. I just know some spit on me and some just changed troll and others scared me. I knew I think two of the dozen or so guys names. One of the girls names but other than that they were complete strangers to me. I only had class with one or two of them I just knew them from being brutalized in the bus in Bakersfield by the sea. Too bad the rocks and stones tortured me all they have is rocks for brains and walk away just as evolved as they were when it started. I have to live with it. Earplugs now. Silence and trying just it breath. I am trying to work again but honestly I don't know if trying will break me. Happiness always leads to pain. I am trying to work to do something good in the end but I don't know when they will hurt me again. If I just stay quiet stay away never be on their technology their websites their big egos and names. Hide from the people who are middle class or above they use those people like the brain washed sheeple they are. Bad Catholic priest will always be in power where power is the end goal like in our governmental agencies that are contracted for information, power, and control no reason to say any names. They hurt my whole family, but hey have their own. A family of bad Catholic priest with ego and lies holding the thrown. f*cking rocks and bricks worshiping a God who madethem in his image a ducking space rock I guess. No one can make it better and no one wants to, but did bad Catholics priest ever make it better even when they are caught? I'm dealing with two faced bad Catholic priest is all and I have up music entertainment and being a part of society as the cost. I will just try to breath not think hope is such a tragedy when you get tortured in its place. I am ok with being ugly and deformed and old and fat. I will use everything and everyone ounce pain they have me as motivation to never exist again. all they ever have me was pain.