Muttly
MyPTSD Pro
I have another thread about my relationship with my therapist. Some basic facts. I've been seeing her for years. After years of paying, I had some huge financial constraints and she gave me free sessions for a time. Now she gives them to me at a hugely reduced rate. I wish that didn't matter, but it does to me. T went through a lot of stuff. Illness of husband, several surgeries, etc. So she had life going on. I went through a lot of life stuff too. And then there's covid. Since then things haven't been as good. I've always found T about flaky. Once therapy started she would be focused and super insightful. But some of the admin, and getting into therapy mode could be all over the place. Once covid hit and we went to telehealth sessions that got worse.
She has always asked for emails between sessions. She either wasn't getting or wasn't reading emails. She was taking for ever to settle down and focus when we had our sessions. She also just didn't seem as mentally present. One day it was especially bad and she joked that she was only that way with us. I guess that triggered us or something. One of our parts finally said something to her about it in an email. We made the mistake of using the word flaky and she took offense and took it to mean things we didn't mean. A lot of talking and we worked things out?
Back to the money and sliding scale. One of the things she talked about was how much money she has not charged us and how she squeezes us in and often it's when she'd take a lunch break. Which... a snarky, defensive whatever part of us wants to protest because we schedule online. So unless she sees us on the schedule and then opens up other appointments it doesn't seem right. Anyway, we are just being difficult. She said she was telling us about the money, not to make us feel bad, But to explain why she took time transitioning into schedules. And to show how committed she was and that if it wasn't working for us, we really needed to do something different.
So, after talking things were better but not great. Then I *briefly* got involved in some unhealthy, for me, bdsm stuff. I pulled out and got into a healthy bdsm relationship. T has freaked out though and sent a very hurtful email. I get why she freaked out. In the past I was in a very harmful bdsm relationship which was re-traumatizing me.I get the need for caution and expected questions and concern. I wanted that becuase I knew it's good to have reality checks. She now admits the email she wrote was hastily written. There were prior emails from me with info she didn't receive because of some server issues. There were emails from me she didn't read. She says that she was reactive and didn't have all the info. That email and some subsequent conversation, before we sorted things has broken a lot of trust.
So, I'm still in the bdsm relationship. I am still willing to have conversations about it. T keeps saying she doesn't know what's going on and if it's healthy but I keep talking about it and telling her. That's hard. I feel unheard. It is different than past, unhealthy relationships. In our last session I pointed out to T that none of our insiders are saying there's a problem. No one is panicking or feeling hurt. T says every single session that she's traumatized by the unhealthy bdsm relationship I had and feels protective and is acting out of that feeling. I feel like she's stuck. I mean, I'm still willing to allow the possibility that I'm in the biggest case of denial I've ever been in. I don't think so though. And even if I am, what's happening isn't shifting me from that.
It's not just that though. I sent her an email before session like she has asked for. And it was kind of a big deal. I had surgery and it was an update on that as well as talking about other things. When our session started T said I hadn't sent an email in a long time. I reminded her about the email I'd sent (a few days ago). At first she seemed skeptical. I knew she'd gotten it because she'd replied and said she'd reply more later. (she almost never does, when she says that). She then said she'd gotten it but hadn't read it. So I started to talk about surgery and how there had to be a second surgery and she interjected and said she had read the email. And ok, great. But it just is kind of discombobulating. Things like that happen moderately often. And I don't want to send her emails anymore. Even though she has asked for them. There's been too many issues. The server is fixed so she's getting all my emails but I'm kind of done?
Also, she talked some about her dog dying. And I feel like a shit but I am tired of hearing about her shit. I mean, she's had a ton going on. I know that. And I feel really bad her dog died. But it seems like there's always something. The session before that she mentioned how she was working from breakfast to bed time without a break and was exhausted. It's not like she goes on and on about that stuff. It tends to be a brief interlude but it's always making me conscious of the fact she's struggling in life. And I start thinking since I barely pay her anything I should just stop seeing her. At least it would be one last burden on her (ok, that I know is old tapes). Bah, I'm probably just being horribly insensitive and unappreciative.
Maybe I take a break. Maybe I wait until telehealth disappears and see if that makes a difference. It was better when we were in person. Also, I'd be able to pay her more because insurance isn't paying anything for telehealth as she's out of network. I don't know. Maybe I'm just using these issues as an excuse to avoid therapy?
ETA- Much of the time things are good. We do focus on therapy. We talk about issues. I'm making things sound worse than they are.
She has always asked for emails between sessions. She either wasn't getting or wasn't reading emails. She was taking for ever to settle down and focus when we had our sessions. She also just didn't seem as mentally present. One day it was especially bad and she joked that she was only that way with us. I guess that triggered us or something. One of our parts finally said something to her about it in an email. We made the mistake of using the word flaky and she took offense and took it to mean things we didn't mean. A lot of talking and we worked things out?
Back to the money and sliding scale. One of the things she talked about was how much money she has not charged us and how she squeezes us in and often it's when she'd take a lunch break. Which... a snarky, defensive whatever part of us wants to protest because we schedule online. So unless she sees us on the schedule and then opens up other appointments it doesn't seem right. Anyway, we are just being difficult. She said she was telling us about the money, not to make us feel bad, But to explain why she took time transitioning into schedules. And to show how committed she was and that if it wasn't working for us, we really needed to do something different.
So, after talking things were better but not great. Then I *briefly* got involved in some unhealthy, for me, bdsm stuff. I pulled out and got into a healthy bdsm relationship. T has freaked out though and sent a very hurtful email. I get why she freaked out. In the past I was in a very harmful bdsm relationship which was re-traumatizing me.I get the need for caution and expected questions and concern. I wanted that becuase I knew it's good to have reality checks. She now admits the email she wrote was hastily written. There were prior emails from me with info she didn't receive because of some server issues. There were emails from me she didn't read. She says that she was reactive and didn't have all the info. That email and some subsequent conversation, before we sorted things has broken a lot of trust.
So, I'm still in the bdsm relationship. I am still willing to have conversations about it. T keeps saying she doesn't know what's going on and if it's healthy but I keep talking about it and telling her. That's hard. I feel unheard. It is different than past, unhealthy relationships. In our last session I pointed out to T that none of our insiders are saying there's a problem. No one is panicking or feeling hurt. T says every single session that she's traumatized by the unhealthy bdsm relationship I had and feels protective and is acting out of that feeling. I feel like she's stuck. I mean, I'm still willing to allow the possibility that I'm in the biggest case of denial I've ever been in. I don't think so though. And even if I am, what's happening isn't shifting me from that.
It's not just that though. I sent her an email before session like she has asked for. And it was kind of a big deal. I had surgery and it was an update on that as well as talking about other things. When our session started T said I hadn't sent an email in a long time. I reminded her about the email I'd sent (a few days ago). At first she seemed skeptical. I knew she'd gotten it because she'd replied and said she'd reply more later. (she almost never does, when she says that). She then said she'd gotten it but hadn't read it. So I started to talk about surgery and how there had to be a second surgery and she interjected and said she had read the email. And ok, great. But it just is kind of discombobulating. Things like that happen moderately often. And I don't want to send her emails anymore. Even though she has asked for them. There's been too many issues. The server is fixed so she's getting all my emails but I'm kind of done?
Also, she talked some about her dog dying. And I feel like a shit but I am tired of hearing about her shit. I mean, she's had a ton going on. I know that. And I feel really bad her dog died. But it seems like there's always something. The session before that she mentioned how she was working from breakfast to bed time without a break and was exhausted. It's not like she goes on and on about that stuff. It tends to be a brief interlude but it's always making me conscious of the fact she's struggling in life. And I start thinking since I barely pay her anything I should just stop seeing her. At least it would be one last burden on her (ok, that I know is old tapes). Bah, I'm probably just being horribly insensitive and unappreciative.
Maybe I take a break. Maybe I wait until telehealth disappears and see if that makes a difference. It was better when we were in person. Also, I'd be able to pay her more because insurance isn't paying anything for telehealth as she's out of network. I don't know. Maybe I'm just using these issues as an excuse to avoid therapy?
ETA- Much of the time things are good. We do focus on therapy. We talk about issues. I'm making things sound worse than they are.
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