Not Sure What Happens When Finding It Hard In Therapy

[Cleo6]

Hi I'm not really sure how to explain this. I've been in therapy since end of November and go every other week. At the last session my therapist asked me what things affect me on a regular basis. I started saying I didn't know and I don't talk about the bad stuff when she asked me why and gave this talk about how she hopes I can trust her I can't really remember much more all I remember is things looking dark and my mind was talking to me telling me how I should tell her about the csa but I physically couldn't speak and everything else was silent. All of a sudden I heard my therapist ask me what I was thinking which made me jump slightly and I could see my hands again and I had my hands in a fist with my nails digging into me. Normally I sit fidgeting with the sleeves on my jumper the whole time and the more anxious I get the more I fidget so I never sit completely still. I still couldn't tell her and I ended up saying about I need to cut my nails for work and she said it's a deflective answer. Normally I would respond but I just carried on saying about we need short nails for work. She then started talking about her nails have never been long as they break then I can't really remember much after that but I remember talking but can't remember what I was saying but I remember saying that I'm ok and she said in this really soft voice that she knows I'm ok and hearing her voice sort of brought me out of it. I was playing round with my sleeves the second time. Then the subject was changed I'm not sure who by though or how. Has anyone else experienced anything like this or knows what's going on. I'm going back on Monday as I've had a month off as she's been away and feeling really nervous about it cos of this

 

[ghotiff]

Similar happens to me regularly in therapy. I think it's dissociation. My vision goes into tunnel vision and the world goes dark, I can't speak and my mind races but typically only on a single thought. Sometimes I will also dig my nails in. It passes but not if my T keeps talking on the same topic that got me there.

I hate it and I try to keep my therapy at the uncomfortable level just before I dissociate. I think it's not helpful to my healing, but avoiding it makes therapy go sooooo slow, and I often wonder if I'm getting anywhere.

Hope that helps somehow.

 

[Friday]

Zoned out, closed off, and lie my ass off to make someone STFU and leave me alone? Sure. Absolutely. It's a major defensive tactic. About the only way someone else can break through that is by pissing me off to the point I don't give a f*ck and tell shit to them straight. Doing it my own self is a bit trickier. Not talking about things I don't want to talk about is durn near a superpower of mine, and fine honed skill set I've spent years and years mastering. Getting out of my own way on that one is challenging.

 

[Ocean5]

Dissociation of some state most likely (huge range of scale.) Reason I keep notes of what I'm suppose to talk about.

Even last week had consultant with a specialist of physical medicine with new doctor. It got so bad I couldn't even read my notes. I'd just go blank and speechless. Doc asked to see my notes - I said they are unedited. He didn't care. So I handed them over, and it helped to get some relief from my stress. Also saved me lots of money so I wouldn't be retested for things I've already been tested for. (Still in recovery for physical issue - primary doctor just had me worried for no reason.)

It's sad when you prepare for these things, because you know you are most likely to dissociate or forget things.

Also, I learned nothing wrong with telling person you don't want to talk about that topic today.

 

[Cleo6]

Thank you ghotiff that made a lot of sense. It was literally two sentences that was going through my head at the time. It was hard I couldn't seem to get myself out of it until she spoke and it was like she knew I needed that change of conversation as she went along with it for a few minutes after pointing out me deflecting and me ignoring her but when she went back it was like I slipped back into it but not as bad. Feeling really nervous about seeing her again on Monday