Relationship Now I Need Help...

[Trembling]

Amethist, when I had to leave him today, I had mixed feelings - I also will not see him for almost 3 days, I was sad, of course, I was proud of him to "make me go", I was positive that things will change.

I left the city where he is to be able to go back to work tomorrow, so one of us had a job - I know its not a joke, but this is still the least I worry about.

Had my luv on the phone, and he pushed me to be positive, and to relax and stop worrying, as he is safe in there and nothing can happen, or will happen even when he comes out. I would love sooooo much to believe him, but it is so hard.

Coming home into our place, I felt really bad, I kept myself busy to not think back of the moment we left it, and WHY we left it. I felt like something would happen any second, stupid, I know, but the day before he left, he had smashed some stuff, and somehow I still have the sound in my ear, and his "not being him" face in front of me.

I wished I could delete certain memories.

But - back to the positive me - They have to replaced by really good ones! What do you think guys?

I miss him, and I will find a way to believe again, though it might take a long time, thanks to you amethist I know it is possible.

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[iluvdesserts]

Trembling, it appears that you've done all you can do. You're moving forward by having a positive outlook. You will believe again, and will miss him terribly. And you don't have delete certain memories, you can tuck them away. Some memories are lesson teaching and help us not to repeat past mistakes. At least you have friends on here that will help you reach your goal, believing again, no matter how long it takes. When you get there, it'll be worth the wait.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Keep the positive memories Trembling. They will sustain you when things seem so dark and desperate. And always keep coming back here, you will find support and advice, and an ear and a shoulder.

 

[Trembling]

SeekingSerenity, yes I will keep them and will come back here, to learn and to get advice and support.

iluvdesserts, missing him terribly is absolutely correct, but reading through a lot of posts in here, make me realize even more, that it will be worth it at the end.

Time will pass, we both will get stronger, and I will not give up.

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[SeekingSerenity]

Time will pass, we both will get stronger, and I will not give up.

Now THATS the spirit!!! :D

Never give up! I know that I never will :inlove:

 

[Trembling]

Thank you Seeking Serenity!

My fiance is very positive, and it is nice to have him on the phone again. He got it back today. He is still under medication, but hopefully they will stop the Valium tonight, as he does not like it at all.

I feel much better today, after the first day at work since last Wednesday. Of course, I still have fears in the back of my mind, but with all of you I hope it will get better every single day.

I still have to clean up the mess at home, which my love made, but I do not have the energy. I guess one more day with sticky floors is fine, isn't it?

:tup:

 

[Trembling]

Why am I not waking up full of energy? I feel so exhausted and where did my positive spirit go?
I am having bad dreams, and feel guilty that I do not feel as happy as I should -my man is coming home today.

He pushed to get out one day early, and I did upset him quite a bit as my reaction was not the way he expected. I explained him that I am scared about him being so excited, and I could not stop myself in saying that the days before the clinic were not just a joke. Probably I have to really watch what I am "bursting out" when he is home.

I miss him terribly, what is going on? Is it my fear which is taking over? Do I have a problem?

We agreed on seeing the doctor every week, separate and together, and also today I really want to talk to him, to get advice.

I feel like a broken wheel, not smoothly running, with a noise in my back head, I just want to be happy again. Though we said memories should not be erased but put in the back, right now I wished I could take them out and through them in the trash to never ever find them again.

Maybe the morning coffee helps to get back my positive thinking.
Or maybe it might also only be a real hug from my man, to make me believe in a positive future.

No I am not giving up, no I am not giving up and one more time, no I am not giving up!!!!

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Trembling, there will still be many rough patches. I'm sorry if thats not what you needed to hear today. PTSD is a very nasty affliction, and its not going to go away overnight. Enjoy the good days, the good times, and cherish them. They are what you will need to get you through the bad times.

Never feel guilty about anything. You never caused his PTSD, you don't cause his bad days, its NOT your fault. Listen carefully, its NOT your fault. When he is not doing so well, when he is having a bad day, withdraw and look after yourself. Be good to yourself. This has two positive sides; HE needs space, YOU need peace. You both get what you need. Trust me, I tried for too long to "be there" for my Beloved. I only succeeded in pushing her further away, and getting myself very horribly worked up and deeply depressed.

Today will be a good day for you, but for when times aren't the best, here is something for you to remember:

(((Hugs)))

Remember that you will always find a friend and an ear and support right here...

 

[Trembling]

I thank you so much. SeekingSerenity, I will definitely come here, and even if it is only for reading, and reminding myself of your advises. Such as taking care of myself.

I called a friend of mine today to make an appointment for next week, for a "I love myself day", just to go to the hairdresser. My man, who came home this evening said to me "My love, you are so right, you deserve it so much"

We talked a lot after being back in our home, it feels so good to talk to him again, him - in the meaning without any influence. My man is back, and I will hold onto him, enjoy the moment and the day, see his smile and remember these moments of joy. I love his smile.

He is my life, with or without PTSD, we will stay together.

Thanks to you all again.

 

[Trembling]

I feel so exhausted, what is wrong with me? I should be only happy about my man feeling good, and doing things at home. It is like being in a roller coaster, I am down, instead of being relieved.

Work is good, and finally I can think straight again, without forgetting half of my tasks as I used to during the last weeks. Before I come home I am so excited that he is home, and when I enter and it is like a hammer on my forehead. I feel like crying, but cannot.

I will go to the gym in a while, maybe this might change my mood and bring me up, where I should be.

Sorry, I just had to get this off my chest.

 

[amethist]

The drain usually hits after they have had some kind of issue Trembling. A bit like coming down off of an adrenalin rush.

You see them through it, they are back on a reasonable level again, then you sit back. This is when you realize how tiring ind draining it has been for you.

Mine hit me last night, I was exhausted by 9pm. 4 days of him being in pain, then learning how it can be sorted yesterday. So then I could sit back and collapse, again.

You do get used to it, you do build up some strength with it, but every so often it still gets to you.

That's one reason it is called the Roller Coaster. Constantly up and down, just at varying speeds.

 

[Trembling]

Amethist, I am glad I am not sort of "different" and that there is a logical explanation for how I feel. This morning I still feel exhausted, but not as bad as yesterday, maybe I am now going up again.

My future hubby was really concerned, and I told him about your post, and he said, we will not have the roller coaster again. It is good to have him as positive as he is, and of course I can only assume how future will treat us. But the best thing is, I know you guys will always understand me, when things will go downhill again.

I hope you feel better today Amethist! You are an incredible person.