Relationship Now I Need Help...

[Trembling]

So - do you actually tell him ALL you feel - I mean afterwards?
For me it takes a few days until my real me is having plain emotions, these moments I have right now, when I really would love to tell him how angry, upset and *SCREAM* I feel.

Thank you! ;)

 

[amethist]

I do tell him how I feel Trembling, but unfortunately he remembers very little of what he said, but is then ashamed of himself for what he did. But there are a few things I have not told him from 2008, as it would hurt him too much to know just what he did say in the time he was waiting to go into detox. Why should I hurt him with something he does not remember at all, he has months missing from his memory.

He has not been on a binge for ages, but has been having a couple once or twice a week for the last few weeks. I have not been happy about this at all, as this takes me back to the time he was drinking 24/7, and I have told him about this too.

What I did not see was what it was leading up to and what was behind it all. Now I know and he crashed into crisis mode on Thursday evening.

There is always a trigger as to what sets them off again, but using social drinking as an excuse should be discouraged too if possible.

Because of what my husband went through, I have not had a drink myself since March 2008.

 

[Trembling]

Amethist, I did not drink at all anymore either, though I have to say, I really felt like it when he had an episode two weeks ago.
I consider myself lucky that I did not have to go through a time of 24/7 drinking, as you had to. But as I said, the binge is terrible enough, and I am not totally sure what is the trigger.

I know, for a few times it was his ex and of course lately, him feeling "useless" as he did not work for a month - but got a job just this week - great coincidence, isn't it?

I hope your hubby is getting better, and also you, which is so important. But who am I telling this? You know much more than I do, but still I also try to be there for you, even as a newby.

About telling things, we are similar, yes I tell him some things, but I know and see how guilty and ashamed he feels about it...so I guess it is sometimes just better to write them down somewhere, and let these words be lost in space forever! ;)

 

[amethist]

Hence the private section Trembling write it in there and let it get lost in the midst of time and cyber space.

He is getting better Trembling, thank you. Still a long way to go, and he wont safely be able to move forward fully until all the legal stuff is done and finished with. Hopefully before Christmas this year.

 

[Trembling]

Good luck! I will drive now to see him :) and I am excited :D Cyberhug to you amethist!

 

[amethist]

Hugs back to you Trembling. Share it with your man. :)

 

[Trembling]

Hi!
I did Amethist ;)

It was so good to see him, oh my god, though it is only a few days, I am just so used to have him around - I know we should never get used to someone (I think so) but if we still can cherish the presence, I guess it is something good, right?

We got the permission from his T. to go outside, so we could sit in the sun and have coffee together. It was really nice! We talked a lot, it felt good. The EMDR is exhausting and his T. said, that it is up to him to decide the pace, and if he is not feeling ok, to just stop it and continue another time.

He was talking open about his emotions and what he talked about, which is really something as usually he does not talk about any of his traumas. They worked on the "small" traumas today, but might move to the Combat one tomorrow, depending on his feelings.

The T had a talk with both of us, actually a good thing, as I was able to tell him about my fears which I have since the last "episode", and at least I did not feel that "crazy" anymore - as he explained it as normal to have sort of a trauma, and that I should talk about it, otherwise it might even get worse.

I have to say, I love him, I will drive again two hours to see him tomorrow, and I do not mind! I would want to see him too, to actually feel the support personally.

Tonight I will go and meet friends for dinner, who invited me and know about the situation.
HUGS

 

[ProudWife99]

I'm so glad to hear you had a positive experience, Trembling! I know the alcohol thing can be extremely stressful. H used to drink ALL the time when we first started dating, but so did I. I had just turned the legal drinking age and was in my senior year of college, so I just assumed it was all normal. Thankfully, he only has a few now and again and drinking plays a very small role in our lives (which is good, because we can't afford it!)

I continue to keep both of you in my thoughts. You too, amethist. I so hate the difficulties those we love have to go through, but I hate even more the damage it does on us. I won't allow myself to feel guilty for that anymore, either.

Hugs to you both!

 

[Trembling]

Dear PW,
I fully agree on the " I won't allow myself to feel guilty for that anymore, either" - part! Not anymore, it is enough what we have to go through and NO I am not at fault that he freaks from time to time, it never was and it never will be.

As you also mentioned, it is so wrong to think it is absolutely normal to drink all the time, but I did it too - we live in a community, where people would just look at you strangely, asking you 10 times if you want a drink, and you could decline 10 times, they would still ask you, just because everyone is doing it.
We do not go out anymore as we did, we just have dinner from time to time, and then only with the very very few persons who are still part of our lives.

And it is amazing, I realized about two years ago that sitting with my girl friend when on a home visit, that I was drinking twice as fast (minimum) as her, and it was not because I was thirsty but just due to the fact that we (my ex-"friends") were consuming just more than the average people on this planet.

I feel good, I went to the dinner yesterday, and of course was offered, but I did not really feel like having a drink, strangely ;) after all what happened.

I will go and see my future hubby again soon, though I am totally exhausted, still, but I know already the recovery phase is just taking very long.

HUGS

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Keep up the positive attitude Trembling, you are doing so well!

Its so difficult for your man to deal with his demons, the EMDR is very hard and very difficult for him. Be supportive of what he is achieving, but don't pressure him with too much expectation, or the pressure not to fail, especially in the light of the timeline you guys are facing (the wedding coming up so soon now!) may become a stressor for him. Just let him know that you are there, you are supporting him, and that you accept whatever pace he needs to set. I have seen this with my Beloved, as you know we are in a very similar boat, our wedding is in 117 days.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[Trembling]

Oh my god, I am having a complete down, had a fight with my love on the phone which was caused due to his change of mind of getting out of the clinic....it is all so messed up, it is useless to pressure him (as SS said) to stay in the clinic, or do things he does not want to do, but I am so terrified. I assume I would be also if he stayed for a month - that would not change a thing.
What is right? What is wrong? I want to cry and can't, I want to have a BORING life - though this is "whishful thinking".
I am just scared.

 

[amethist]

Oh Trembling he really does need to stay in for a while longer, he needs the help and support that is there now. Not in a few months time, but right now.

It may well be scary for him, but how sacred was he being out and suffering.

I will go with the boring life for now too.