Childhood Nudity, scantily clad women, and anything sexual triggering freak outs on my partner

[Sad and miserable]

Sorry for the long post believe it or not i actually cut it down :)

As with a lot of people suffering CSA by my alcoholic violent father ( who clearly had his own issues with abuse in childhood), being molested by a teacher at 13, run away from home at 16 etc I have my nudity/sex tv/movies triggers. Unfortunately this is also affecting my partner. Being with my ex for 14 yrs who would look away, allow me to edit ( in those days videos) i waltzed along in my own little bubble controlling everything around me to avoid triggers.

We split up and I then met my current partner and unfortunately on meeting those triggers were all over, He watched porn, watched anything and everything and I so tried at the time to block it all out at the time, not to react because i was tired and wanted to be normal. But it just festered and built up so i guess desensitising, facing your fears or flooding wasnt for me

It didnt work and what originally would be a case of just nudity and sex scenes turned into far worse, including bikinis, revealing clothing anything sexualised. I ended up forcing this on my current partner and hes fought back. I always end up digging my heels in, flipping out and saying i would rather be single than be with someone watching stuff like that.

Its got out of hand, we are now both in a bubble he cant watch anything , im screening everything before hand, even editing stuff and not telling him i have. He watches you tube stuff engineering fishing etc but lord help him if he comes across anything seedy ( as i see it). I would lose it, freak out call him all sorts.

This isnt normal i know that, but the problem is i dont know what normal feels like. Im trying to work on me for instance where i would freak out all the time ive now got to a shutting down stage, If he sees something by accident for ex a youtube video that ended up with a bikini clad woman or beach scene with topless women and yes that was in an engineering video so wasnt expected. I just shut down, i go cold withdrawn and frosty as he calls it.

I work on that and often snap out of it cos i know he wasnt searching or going to find stuff. But when i go frosty he will poke at me, some times hes unaware that i know what hes seen other times he pokes anyways and thats when i end up flipping out or freaking out.

I also cant stand sex after hes seen something and he knows this yet he will still persist trying to get it, i ignore him but its now to to point he masturbates in bed next to me waking me up shaking the bed. That seriously causes me to lose it. Its a vicious cycle because i dont want sex when he does this but then what he does through not having sex pushes me even further if that makes sense

Im tired i just want all this to end, My two sisters arent like this but i cant actually imagine or picture what thats like, to not be affected or triggered by scenes on tv. Artistic stuff paintings drawings dont affect me, live models do.

The strange thing is on my own i can see this stuff i cant watch stuff and not be triggered. But bf seeing stuff or me and bf seeing stuff theres the key. So bf on own without visual stuff everythings fine, me seeing stuff and bf not seeing it im find. Bf and stuff together thats the biggy. I know this is because of my past and the ptsd but why can i see stuff alone and not be affected and why cant i turn that into watching things with him and not be affected. I truly dont know what that feels like or have ever experienced that

Im also curious for those who are not affected by the sexualised stuff or nudity and who can watch anything, what goes through your mind when watching a tv show or movie with a partner and a nude woman comes on the screen and/or the rest, bikinis, sex, rape stuff etc. How do you feel, how do you act, what do you think etc.

Im trying to get other views and perspectives and what it feels like to someone that isnt affected by it all if that makes sense?

My bf and I are so close to splitting up because hes sick and tired of being controlled, he seems to think i can just get a grip, get over it, but also thinks its fine for me to think that way but not to inflict it on him, hes right but again i dont know how else to be or how else to deal with this, how not to be this way. I told him hes trying to get me to be something or someone that i have never been or even know how to be like. and yes wrongly so i see giving up tv ( i stopped watching soaps for him and in fact we dont have a tv cos he wont pay tv licence) any thing watched is online or downloaded but i found giving up all that far easier than what he expects of me.

So again i dont understand giving something up versus a completely personality change and overhaul. Hes struggling with the lack of freedom and i feel bad for that in fact i hate being like this and forcing that on him. but then i think hes had it easy hes lived in a perfectly cushy little bubble all his life and he doesnt know what this is like to have the panic attacks or the nightmares, reliving stuff. not being able to breathe or even wanting to end it all. he just doesnt understand and hes even said he doesnt care any more because nothing changes.

He doesnt see that its not about control its about protecting myself. My dad would look at stuff, watch stuff, have his mags etc and then finish up on me for example, so the scenes in movies etc trigger whats coming next. and if bf tries to have sex that same day or even within a few days that just sets me off :(

Ive read a lot of threads here and i would love to fix myself, to not be triggered , not be affected by this stuff and live a more normal life. Shutting myself away and cutting it all out, controlling whats seen even by my partner, yeah it may have helped but it hasnt its actually made it far worse.Im worse for it i end up being affected by far worse than i used to be so its spread. As he said i cut out 95% of life , we arent living, im not allowing him to live and thats really not what i want.

I cant imagine not being affected or what that is like, to be able to watch things and just not feel anything or think anything from it. I dont have a comparison to work towards. So any advice and help from people who are going through this or those who have beaten it. How does it feel no longer to be affected

I also noticed if its innocent then i get over it faster, but if he forces it or pushes anything on me thats far worse and i trigger far worse if that makes sense. the fight or flight kicks in every time

thankyou in advance

 

[Friday]

So again i dont understand giving something up versus a completely personality change and overhaul.

First the good news! :D

1. It’s not a personality overhaul. It’s changing a behavior. Specifically, not lashing out at your partner when you’re triggered or upset.

Which is a very common thing. People with PTSD often treat their partners badly, and that’s wrong. Full stop. But it’s also very very possible to learn how not to take our shit out on others .... and there is a huge wealth of information / skills / tips-tricks / methodologies for every personality... to learn the self control necessary to do so. Because listening to your instincts? Doesn’t have to make you a slave to them. You may want to lash out in the moment, fight/flight reflex singing in your blood, furious/scared/hurting... but that doesn’t mean you have to. CBT, DBT, & (Trauma Focused) Anger Management are a small handful of some of the best/most common, but there’s also a whole lot of other things out there, all revolving around emotional monitoring & regulation, changing unhealthy coping mechanisms, and stopping dangerous or unwanted behaviors.

Here’s a few things to start you out
Ptsd therapies
Dealing with anger
10 primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)
The ptsd cup explanation

2. It’s also very possible to chip away at your triggers and stressors, and process your trauma to the point that you no longer have those triggers anymore. (The opposite of what’s been happening with you, and attempting to avoid your triggers/stressors, or be exposed 24/7, has caused them to get worse.)
Working with triggers
Link Removed

3. As a card carrying member of the Control Freak Society :sneaky: I would like to welcome you to the unabashed Joy of not making other people responsible for our triggers & stressors (ie he’s not allowed to XYZ). You’re not helpless / having to depend on others to do things the way you want them done. Because at the end of the day you can never truly control anyone else, and the more you try, the less control you actually have, as people push back against that & refuse more and more often to accept any influence you have over them. My triggers? My responsibility. :smug: I get to deal with them, instead of lashing out at others for not dealing with them for me. Might seem like a small difference (he didn’t trigger me, I got triggered) but It is huuuuugely freeing. Because the ball is in your court.

***

Now the bad news.

1. What you want to do? Not be triggered anymore, so you don’t lash out? Is backwards. It’s one of those things where it feels right, but emotions don’t actually logic so hot.

(Because it’s easier to see on someone else)

It’s exactly like if I hit my partner (Or threw furniture, or called him every vile nasty thing I can think of, or slit my wrists, or threatened suicide, or got drunk, or binged/purged, or cut myself, or picked a fight, et cetera pick an unwanted behavior/unhealthy coping mechanism) every time I got angry at him, and my solutions are

- he’s not allowed to make me angry
- i’ll stop hitting him, when I stop being angry

- he’s not allowed to trigger me
- when I stop feeling this way, I’ll stop freaking out on him

Waiting until I stop being angry for the behavior to change? That’s never going to happen. I’m going to get angry. It’s not like the only reason other people don’t hit their partners is because they don’t feel anger, and that’s what I need to somehow figure out what to do, not feel it too. Either by them avoiding the trigger or my avoiding the emotion. It’s an impossible ask // is part of why avoidance never works long term.

Other way around. First I need to stop the behavior. I need to learn how to not lash out at someone when I’m triggered. Because triggered is going to happen. Just like rage is going to happen. So when it happens -not if- I need to be responsible for my actions.

 

[sad and miserable]

thankyou so much for the response. I will read through those threads
Its wierd but when i found this forum i didnt actually feel so alone any more or believing im the only one like this, not normal, a freak as hes called me
I wouldnt wish what i experience and go through on anyone but im also glad im not alone if that makes sense :)

 

[Gs172003]

thankyou so much for the response. I will read through those threads
Its wierd but when i found this forum i...

You're not a freak. First, are you changing the behavior for you or for him?
Second, you don't have to date someone who does those things just because society deems it "normal". At the very least not somebody that's so "in your face" with it. If you don't like it, and you don't have to, you don't have to date somebody that has it in your face as much as this guy does, trigger or not.
Heck the fact he calls you a freak is enough to get rid of him in my opinion.

 

[EveHarrington]

Rule #1 of dating...

Don’t go into a relationship wanting to change people.

I really do think it’s probably for the best if you let this guy go.

 

[sad and miserable]

thankyou for replies

we have been together 16 yr and living together 7 yr so its not that i went into it to change him or that hes forcing this stuff on me

thats the thing i feel bad hes actually restricting himself in whats watched because of how i react. hes put himself into my bubble or maybe ive forced him because i used to flip out ( now i just shut down and withdraw)

although from what ive read you cant make someone do something they dont want or wont do. But i still blame myself. And yes in a way i want to change to make his life easier because its not fair on him. I can cope with all this stuff on my own, its while being in a relationship that i cant :(

hope that makes sense?

 

[Cactus Bloom]

Any kind of nudity, sex scenes, women in bikinis or even the women showing cleavage is triggering especially when it is being shown in the presence of the guy I was dating or my ex-husband. Well, it’s uncomfortable watching in the presence of another human male or female but especially worse with the guy I was with. It’s my own inner dialogue saying “If he’s turned on right now then that means he doesn’t love me because he doesn’t respect me enough to not look at another woman without being sexually aroused.” Or “If I looked like her, then he would love me.” “If I was sexy like her then he wouldn’t cheat on me.” All these if’s. How could I not think this way when all I had was a father who was saying sexually explicit things about women and all women are good for is sex. Plus he was always cheating on my mom and telling me that I wouldn’t get cheated on if I looked a certain way and never denied my husband sex. And unfortunately being around perverted men most of my life that said horrible things about women and all the cheating going on and blaming their wives because they gained a little weight or was pregnant. I didn’t have any good male role models in my life so I accepted it as a fact that every man cheats and unfortunately in my life they did. Believe me I did everything I was “supposed” to do in any “relationship” I had with a man to “make” him sexually happy and content but they still cheated no matter how perfect I was. But, I was never controlling or tried to change his behavior because my purpose in life was to please him no matter what.

I understand all the feelings and triggers you have about nudity and such because I feel the same way but I have been opposite and not been controlling. But, with my ex-husband, he knew how badly these things triggered me so he would change the channel or something but he did things behind my back that were horrible so it really didn’t matter that he was pretending to respect me. That was a joke to say the least. He loved watching Family Guy and that was a huge trigger too!

I agree with what the others have said already and it is up to you to understand your triggers and take care of them and to not force others to change. If you can’t deal with it and don’t feel respected then definitely get out of the relationship. I’m not emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship and I have no desire to either. I would never want someone to be miserable because of me. That’s only saying that it’s because I am not in a relationship currently so I’m not seeking one. It’s not the same if you’re in a committed relationship with someone who you love and they love you and support each other. I don’t know. Just some thoughts is all:)

thankyou for replies

we have been together 16 yr and living together 7 yr so its not that i went into it to...

I just read your comment just after I posted mine so the last part or all maybe irrelevant because of what you just said. I apologize because I definitely DO NOT want to hurt your feelings at all!

 

[EveHarrington]

You kind of miss my point.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with someone. You need to be able to accept them as they are and not change them.

It’s not like oh, now that we’ve been together 10 years, I’ve hit the milestone saying I’ve put up with his crap for long enough and now I can start to change them!

 

[Gs172003]

Maybe the two of you need to get counseling together. Him calling you a freak seems to be being dismissed and it's not ok. You are, once again, not a freak. He needs to understand what you are dealing with instead of being a hateful jerk.

 

[sad and miserable]

thanks fiona and no dont worry you didnt upset me, my heart goes out to you for what you have suffered :)
and Zoogal ty for the support and not putting all the blame on me, i do accept my problems,faults and blame myself but i also know hes not perfect either, maybe thats why we lasted so long who knows?

Eve i think your the one missing the point
i have had two long term relationships in my entire life, im 46. first lasted 14 yrs this ones still going after 16 yrs

i dont do dating and trust me when i got into this or my other relationship i didnt go into it to change anyone and still dont. Im here to help work on my triggers and issues to make both my life and his life easier. He didnt sign up for this, but i didnt sign up for what he puts me through either. Does that mean i let him go? hes not imprisoned here, heck hes free to leave me if thats what he wishes, same as im free to leave him if thats what i want. I dont bail on relationships if it doesnt go my way i would rather work at them but thats me. Im not forcing him to stay with me ive said plenty times if he wants to leave hes free to. But hes still here and so am i and that should say something

I didnt set out to control or change him i set out to control what triggers me just like many people do with ptsd and avoidance, big difference even if it overlaps. If i want to change him heck i would push him into getting a job instead of working 24/7 and supporting him. I would push him to pull his weight instead of him being lazy and leaving me to do everything whilst he sits playing games all day, despite me being crippled with physical pain and on strong meds all the time.

I would push him to help me with things, he doesnt buy me birthday/xmas presents, yet i still spending thousands on presents for him. I do everything, he does nothing, but thats who i am.I have been through hell in my life but im still a kind generous loving and giving person, whilst getting nothing in return.But I dont do things or give to get back, I accept him as he is.... its my ptsd and triggers that are the issue

he controls me more than i do him. i cant have my family come to my home, i only see my son once a yr at xmas, im not allowed to have my own opinion or disagree with him or i get punished with silent treatment for months on end, but im not going to go into all his failings and faults which trust me are plenty, because that isnt what this is about.

This is about ME trying to deal with MY triggers to actually free myself and also free him from the bubble he put himself into with me. I didnt put him in there he chose to go in there because of how i reacted. I didnt change him he changed himself, just as i have changed myself to adapt to his ways and demands. I havent once set out to control or change him so please dont make assumptions without all the facts

 

[shimmerz]

That's the thing about sexual triggers. You are working with a primal need of your partner. He may be able to help you with other triggers but sexual stuff will be a different animal for him I am guessing. It's a need. And a strong one. I second the counseling if you have a trauma aware counselor.

 

[Gs172003]

thanks fiona and no dont worry you didnt upset me, my heart goes out to you for what you have suffered :)
an...

Go back and read what you just wrote and ask yourself why are you with him?