wallygator
New Here
for a long time I tried my hardest to fight and be strong and tried to hide myself from others because I was afraid they would see the intense insecurity I experienced.
I was not aware of how terrible it really is to feel anxiety daily, feelings of panic and always looking out for enemies in every corner of my life. I could not grasp how detrimental it was for me to deal with these things in an attempt to sweep it under the rug and pretend that I was just like everyone else.
But I only pushed people away because they feared me or suspected me of being a bad person or perhaps they just could see it plain as day that I have some problems and they cannot fathom what it feels like to want to die and yet are fearful of death. I tried to desperately hold on to people and ideas or things in the hopes that it would somehow define me, but the physical symptoms of anxiety, fear and hypervigilance always got the best of me.
While I still feel the echoes and can see in the margins all these same feelings, today I am back on prozac and propranolol which has greatly reduced the need to pay attention to these feelings and sensations of fear that I experience. I feel the most helpful is the propranolol since it stops the physical symptoms of the dread and need to focus intensely on the angst.
I remember the first time I took propranolol 20 years ago and it was such a surreal experience to wait for the intense fear and feelings of dread to overwhelm me, but they never came and I understood that the propranolol really separates the mind from the body.
Today I really am enjoying the quiet silence and peace I feel because I am back on proper medication. I don’t need to obsess about why I don’t feel loved, or why people hate me or whatever it is that gets me triggered, which is alot of stuff that can trigger me. I really do enjoy not obsessing or hyper-focusing on stuff that really either does not exist or does not matter in the long run.
I was not aware of how terrible it really is to feel anxiety daily, feelings of panic and always looking out for enemies in every corner of my life. I could not grasp how detrimental it was for me to deal with these things in an attempt to sweep it under the rug and pretend that I was just like everyone else.
But I only pushed people away because they feared me or suspected me of being a bad person or perhaps they just could see it plain as day that I have some problems and they cannot fathom what it feels like to want to die and yet are fearful of death. I tried to desperately hold on to people and ideas or things in the hopes that it would somehow define me, but the physical symptoms of anxiety, fear and hypervigilance always got the best of me.
While I still feel the echoes and can see in the margins all these same feelings, today I am back on prozac and propranolol which has greatly reduced the need to pay attention to these feelings and sensations of fear that I experience. I feel the most helpful is the propranolol since it stops the physical symptoms of the dread and need to focus intensely on the angst.
I remember the first time I took propranolol 20 years ago and it was such a surreal experience to wait for the intense fear and feelings of dread to overwhelm me, but they never came and I understood that the propranolol really separates the mind from the body.
Today I really am enjoying the quiet silence and peace I feel because I am back on proper medication. I don’t need to obsess about why I don’t feel loved, or why people hate me or whatever it is that gets me triggered, which is alot of stuff that can trigger me. I really do enjoy not obsessing or hyper-focusing on stuff that really either does not exist or does not matter in the long run.
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