Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[PTSDGuy]

I get that feeling about therapy too. Like 'OMG I'm going to get in trouble/I'm in trouble' Probably something to do with 'telling' being bad. :hug:

Yeah... I'm not good at telling... I never thought of that... wow...

 

[TTC18]

But I hate when my life is so horrible that people cry over it... I spent my whole life making sure no one could tell how f*cked up I am... So when people care, I feel really uncomfortable..

Oh my gosh, I know what you mean. When people are nice to me, that's really the only thing that makes me consistently cry. I'm like - no, be mean, I know how to deal with THAT!! lol.

 

[ladee]

@PTSDGuy , I so relate to watching your T. I spent the first 6 months with my first T watching her, watching me. I finally told her that, and then said I was ready to get down and so some work.. I understand. It's building trust, and it just takes what it takes..

Your T will be able to handle anything you share. And most times, it's not them or any of us here, 'feeling sorry for you', it is deep compassion, empathy and understanding. It's sadness for what you had to endure and try to survive as a child.

To me, it's different. I can build on compassion, empathy and understanding. There is collective strength and experiance with those things. So, nothing you share here will upset anyone, and if it does, they have the choice to not read. Sometimes I can't read a whole post from someone here because it hits too close to home.

But i feel many of us take that time to do some processing of our own trauma. You won't be rejected here. I know that's hard to wrap your mind around. Give yourself, and us, time for trust to build.Same with your new T.. take it as your T REALLY hearing you if he shows emotions. That's a good thing. You are being heard.

Your story is bad , YOU aren't bad. YOU the man that these things happened to, is standing tall and working on healing. We don't get to rush thru it, damn it, but we do get to keep on keepin' on...

And we see you doing that... We would much rather be sharing with some one to 'slow down', just means you hit the ground running and want results... it's not a bad thing, just our experience sharing with you that it doesn't work that way. Not trying to discourage you at all. We all get sick of hearing, 'it takes time'... or 'baby steps'... but, that's how it works..

You are doing great. And hope your session goes well and you have some great grounding tools to help you thru the flashbacks. You are not alone.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Oh my gosh, I know what you mean. When people are nice to me, that's really the only thing that makes me consistently cry. I'm like - no, be mean, I know how to deal with THAT!! lol.

Exactly. I grew up with mean. I understand it. But I’m learning it’s ok to just accept support from people.

I use humor as a weapon. I used to use it with my father. If I could get him to laugh, I was safe. When I’m nervous I use humor. My EMDR therapist seems very serious. I don’t know how to handle serious people.

Now I guess I have more to talk about with him tonight.

 

[PTSDGuy]

@PTSDGuy , I so relate to watching your T. I spent the first 6 months with my first T watching her, watching me. I finally told her that, and then said I was ready to get down and so some work.. I understand. It's building trust, and it just takes what it takes..

Your T will be able to handle anything you share. And most times, it's not them or any of us here, 'feeling sorry for you', it is deep compassion, empathy and understanding. It's sadness for what you had to endure and try to survive as a child.

To me, it's different. I can build on compassion, empathy and understanding. There is collective strength and experiance with those things. So, nothing you share here will upset anyone, and if it does, they have the choice to not read. Sometimes I can't read a whole post from someone here because it hits too close to home.

But i feel many of us take that time to do some processing of our own trauma. You won't be rejected here. I know that's hard to wrap your mind around. Give yourself, and us, time for trust to build.Same with your new T.. take it as your T REALLY hearing you if he shows emotions. That's a good thing. You are being heard.

Your story is bad , YOU aren't bad. YOU the man that these things happened to, is standing tall and working on healing. We don't get to rush thru it, damn it, but we do get to keep on keepin' on...

And we see you doing that... We would much rather be sharing with some one to 'slow down', just means you hit the ground running and want results... it's not a bad thing, just our experience sharing with you that it doesn't work that way. Not trying to discourage you at all. We all get sick of hearing, 'it takes time'... or 'baby steps'... but, that's how it works..

You are doing great. And hope your session goes well and you have some great grounding tools to help you thru the flashbacks. You are not alone.

I'm working on accepting that the things I hated myself for growing up were actually because of what happened to me. Everyone always thinks of me as "competent" and "together"... The idea of people feeling sorry for me is really tough. Pretending to be "normal" was how I survived my childhood... No one ever noticed what I was going through.

I went to the doctor at 14 with crabs, and he didn't bother to even ask how I got them... I didn't even know what they were, I was just a f*cking kid. Hell, I started University at 15 years old... and failed every class the first year... and no one cared enough to ask why.

But even when I forgot everything else, I always remembered my father's dick. Being Gay, I've had many opportunities to compare hundreds of guys' dicks to his starting when I was 10 or 11. To me, it was just normal to compare. I thought everyone knew what their father's hard on looked like... I don't know why that was the one thing that I didn't forget... It's only recently that I could actually stand back and say "What the f*ck? That's not normal"...

When I think about it, it's amazing that I was doing marijuana, hash, booze and opium at 12 or 13 while out on the streets getting picked up and used sexually over and over - and my parents didn't care enough to even notice. I was a little kid wearing cut offs so short that my butt was hanging out, and coming home high on drugs... (It's hard to admit that - even on here)

My therapist told me one time that I was "remarkable" to have gone through what I went through and not be a drug addict or alcoholic... By the time I was old enough to drink and legally go to bars, I was pretty much over booze and drugs... I was probably the only person drinking coffee instead of liquor when I'd go out to bars... I'm still not much of a drinker... The only drug I use is Medical Marijuana - and if it didn't help me with flashbacks, that'd be gone too.

I worry every time I remember more stuff that there's probably a LOT more still locked down tight in my mind. I'm terrified that one of the flashbacks will be too much to handle, and I might shut down for another 20 years... and be left with that one memory again.

But when I think that, I try to tell myself that things are a lot different than 20 years ago... EMDR wasn't an option back then, I have a therapist who understands trauma, and I actually have people to talk with on here who get it.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Went to EMDR last night... and today I'm mentally a mess... I was telling the therapist about my flashbacks this week, and he asked "how long do you think the abuse went on?"... I told him I didn't know... which is true... but now I'm analyzing his question over and over. When I get asked questions about the abuse that I'm not sure of, I immediately start doubting myself... "Maybe the therapist thinks I'm a liar", or "Maybe I'm just inventing shit"... or "Maybe it only happened once".

We were working on imagining a safe place, and when he asked me what I was feeling, and the only thing I noticed was that I was crying and I was shaking... I didn't know what I was feeling...

Even writing about it has me spaced out, crying and attacking myself for not remembering clearly, or even knowing what I'm feeling... I'm such a f*cking freak. I can't even do EMDR right.

 

[somerandomguy]

Even writing about it has me spaced out, crying and attacking myself for not remembering clearly, or even knowing what I'm feeling... I'm such a f*cking freak. I can't even do EMDR right.

Hey. It's totally normal to be a complete f*cking wreck after EMDR. You're not a freak at all. You're doing what almost everyone who goes through EMDR does.

This is the time for self-care. What nice thing can you do for yourself right now?

 

[PTSDGuy]

Hey. It's totally normal to be a complete f*cking wreck after EMDR. You're not a freak at all. You're doing what almost everyone who goes through EMDR does.

This is the time for self-care. What nice thing can you do for yourself right now?

It's been a tough week... I haven't picked on myself in a long time... Maybe I'm just exhausted.

I used to laugh when people called me a control freak... Now I'm realizing that they might have been right... I got totally knocked off balance by all my flashbacks since I started EMDR. I've always operated on logic, not emotion - and there's no logic to flashbacks.

I'm a bit stressed outside of therapy too.... I usually go to the gym every other day, but I haven't been able to go in a few days... I always forget I'm not 20 any more, and end up straining some part of my body, and have to let the pain go away before I go back.

Plus, we're having a meeting at work today to find out if we have jobs next year... If we all get laid off, I'd lose benefits, which would mean no more therapy, no more EMDR, no more psychiatrist... I just feel like giving up.... I'll just get screwed over like always.

Damn, just reading what I wrote, I'm realizing that I've gone from feeling overwhelmed to feeling like the world is ending in minutes.... For all I know, they'll tell us everything is fine...

Yeah, I might need to be nicer to myself today...

 

[littleoc]

:hug: :hug:

Try not to worry yet. Hopefully, you won't be laid off. Right now, you are okay. :hug: :hug:

 

[bellbird]

I immediately start doubting myself... "Maybe the therapist thinks I'm a liar", or "Maybe I'm just inventing shit"... or "Maybe it only happened once".

Very very relatable.
But, we don't think you're a liar... or that you're inventing shit... and even if it did "only" happen once, that's still one time too many.

 

[PTSDGuy]

:hug::hug:

Try not to worry yet. Hopefully, you won't be laid off. Right now, you are okay. :hug::hug:

One less thing to worry about... They solved things, so at least I don't have to worry about a job and benefits any more.... ?

 

[PTSDGuy]

Very very relatable.
But, we don't think you're a liar... or that you're inventing shit... and even if it did "only" happen once, that's still one time too many.

When I just let myself "feel" during flashbacks, it's really obvious it's all true. I can just feel it from somewhere deep inside me... like I never forgot... It's like I'm more rational when I'm in a flashback, than in real life...

Thanks... It's strange being believed... and supported...

Damn, there's something in my eyes... ?