Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[PTSDGuy]

That makes no sense. I mean - as a parent, anything my kids tell me, I'm thinking about the danger-factor. Drugs are SO dangerous, ODs are increasing all the time. How could anyone prefer that for their kids? *smh*

I think accepting me would mean she would have had to accept that her husband was a closet case/pedophile/rapist. She protected him the rest of her life. She used to tell me I was "an idiot" for being Gay from the day I came out until I cut her off 20 years later... and if I "kept being Gay" she'd cut me out of their will... and did.

Probably if I told her I was a drug addict instead of Gay, she probably would have wished I was an alcoholic... ?

 

[TTC18]

I think accepting me would mean she would have had to accept that her husband was a closet case/pedophile/rapist. She protected him the rest of her life. She used to tell me I was "an idiot" for being Gay from the day I came out until I cut her off 20 years later... and if I "kept being Gay" she'd cut me out of their will... and did.

:( :( :hug:

 

[Marvel545]

Im glad your husband is ok :hug:

That's appalling behaviour on their part.
Homophobia has no place in this world, least of all in an emergency situation.

^^^ this.

 

[littleoc]

I've been screamed at for walking down the street holding my husband's hand on the way to a Pride march. I've been beaten for being Gay and been fired for being Gay,

I've even had videos of two guys with bandanas over their faces sent to my job saying they were going to "come with guns and kill the faggot" - and when my boss got the video, instead of going to the police like I wanted, he "lost" the tape.

So, when my husband was being put in an ambulance and no one would even talk to me, I got a bit upset.

This made me so sad to read.

If it helps, it's not just you. It's gotten easier in recent years, sure, but you still are not alone. It is safer nowadays, for the most part, but of course it would still be a huge stressor. A "bit" is completely understandable. :hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

This made me so sad to read.

If it helps, it's not just you. It's gotten easier in recent years, sure, but you still are not alone. It is safer nowadays, for the most part, but of course it would still be a huge stressor. A "bit" is completely understandable. :hug:

I actually have always been mostly positive.

Most of the time, as a senior, elder, old, middle-aged... Damn... as a distinguished white Gay guy, I don't have many problems with overt homophobia. And if anyone would notice, it would be me. I've been on high alert my whole life. If I could pick up on my father's moods early enough, I could escape his anger by going to the "safety" of the streets...

OK, not so positive so far... but it gets better... really...

Years ago, two senior, elder, old, middle-aged angry/scary looking guys walked past our house, (which had a rainbow flag), and commented that they were going to "come back later and blow the gay place up". Then both sort of chuckled, and kept walking. My husband and I were standing nearby, and they didn't know we were there.

We both were totally panicked. Friends tried helping, but the people who helped the most were the two police who came to take a report. They were respectful, supportive and professional and you could see that they cared. The fact we were Gay was just accepted. If it had been even 10 years earlier, we would have been "tolerated" at best.

One cop destroyed my childhood, but two others helped me see the world really is changing...

(Oh, and yeah, they caught the guys - we picked them out of a book of pics the police showed us - and they admitted it to the police...)

 

[littleoc]

I’m so glad :hug:

Some people are weird, though. Very glad you had community support in that moment!

 

[PTSDGuy]

Since restarting therapy a couple of years ago, I've lost about 100 pounds... Went clothes shopping yesterday, and realized that the jeans I bought are 18 inches smaller than when I was at my top weight... and working out at the gym means that for the first time in my life I have pretty good biceps and triceps...

I've always been terrified to let anyone know much about my personal life, and in the past would never have shared that I got a couple of tattoos as I lost weight.

I decided I'm sick of worrying about people's reactions. So, I put a couple of pics showing my tats on social media. I figured if they can't handle them, too bad. I like em, that's really what matters.

Turns out my fears all of those years might have been unfounded... Within minutes, the reaction was insane online - people loved the pics and the tattoos. Relatives, co-workers, friends - I couldn't keep up with all the comments! It's been about a day, and the comments just keep on coming... ?

It's really strange having people tell me I'm "hot", or asking for workout advice... I spent my life hiding from people... I finally let people see "me"... and it was OK...

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes. Isn't it strange when you find out you are a worthwhile person with lots to give the world?

It's a strange feeling. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it for myself.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yes. Isn't it strange when you find out you are a worthwhile person with lots to give the world?

It's a strange feeling. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it for myself.

Yeah, the whole thing still amazes me. People asking me for personal advice? I'm gonna have lots to talk about at therapy this week I think!

 

[PTSDGuy]

I hate days like this... I have EMDR this afternoon at 5, and I woke up at 3 in the morning... I'm having to force myself to even write this... I've been wasting time watching television, going online, eating, drinking about 5 coffees... Pretty much anything I can do to try to avoid thinking about EMDR later...

When I'm having flashbacks, I know it's all true, but I'm still having a hard time accepting it all... I can "only" remember getting raped a couple of times by my father, and find myself telling myself maybe I'm inventing it... During my last flashback, I "allowed myself" to admit that things went on for about 3 years... I'm not sure exactly how I know that, but I just knew.

When I first remembered the abuse, I shut down for 20 years... After starting therapy a couple of years ago, I finally admitted it. Then I started to remember more and more a few months ago.

I was sort of morbidly fascinated during the first couple of flashbacks... The fact that I was reliving stuff, and knowing it was true was almost comforting - more and more of my life started making sense. Whenever I'd remember stuff, I'd think, "Oh yeah, how did I ever forget about that?" and sort of hoped there'd be no more... Even as I was signing up to start EMDR.

But after probably one flashback a night for the past couple of weeks, I'm starting to feel panicked. I'm really terrified that EMDR will "open the floodgates" and I'll shut down again.

The only good thing I did this week was make sure I went to the gym. But right now, all I can think about is how I want to be hiding.

 

[somerandomguy]

Be kind to yourself. Sometimes that's all you can do.

I wish I could console you about EMDR. The truth is that yes, your symptoms may very well ramp up while doing EMDR. That said, almost nothing works as well as EMDR in the long term and people, in general, report quicker recoveries from using it.

:hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

Be kind to yourself. Sometimes that's all you can do.

I wish I could console you about EMDR. The truth is that yes, your symptoms may very well ramp up while doing EMDR. That said, almost nothing works as well as EMDR in the long term and people, in general, report quicker recoveries from using it.

:hug:

Yeah, it was my regular therapist who suggested I go to an EMDR therapist. He said he thought it would be good for me... and he mentioned it might be rough sometimes...

I feel like the Captain of the Titanic... about to collide with an iceberg. It's going to happen whether I want it to or not..

So much for being brave and facing things head on... I feel like getting in the car and just driving away - anywhere. But of course, I won't...

I'll just get through it - like I've done my whole f*cking life... ?