Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[PTSDGuy]

I am so fed up with life right now.... Daily flashbacks, but I still managed to drag myself to the gym four days this week. I did weights, walked miles on the treadmill and was even feeling a bit better this morning...

Then I took the dogs for a walk, and tripped over the edge of a sidewalk. I twisted my ankle, and now, a couple of hours later, my foot is killing me, and I can barely walk...

I've got major meetings all week at work, plus I have to figure out about accommodations for PTSD... and right now I'm in f*cking pain.... I can't imagine how I'm gonna make it through all of this.

I hate my life.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Another night of 5 hours sleep. My stress level is through the roof, and I'm in a really negative mood about everything right now..

This is the 254th post, and I'm still not sure I fit in here. I read other people's posts, and they're able to talk about all their memories... I can't even remember my childhood... and when I do, it's me getting abused... I never know what to say, and I end up saying nothing...

I've spent my life feeling like an outsider... for being Gay, for being abused, for waiting 50 years to start dealing with my life...

Even when I come here, I still end up feeling like I'm from a different world... I don't fit in anywhere. I don't even fit in at a place for people who were abused... Everyone seems to support each other on here. I can't do anything except whine about the same stuff over and over.

Maybe I'm just too selfish to fit in here... I'm not sure why I thought things would be different... They never are.

 

[somerandomguy]

You belong here just as much as any of the rest of us. I'm sorry that you still feel like an outsider, but I think this definitely can be part of the wonderful PTSD experience. If you look around, you'll see lots of people who feel isolated, who feel unworthy of coming here to talk, who feel like impostors in their own lives.

We also say that things come when they come. I've been ready to wrap this all up for months now and just get better, but that's not how PTSD works unfortunately. Things come up when they're ready to come up and not an instant sooner.

Lots of us are here with you, listening. You can say anything you want to say. You can fit in here any way you want. If you think you need to change something, reach out. We're here.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I don't know what to say except thanks... I swear there are days I think you're a straight version of me, @somerandomguy... (That's supposed to be a compliment - although I'm not sure being compared to me is much of one...) You seem to always get me...

Damn you for making me stand back and look at things from another perspective.... ?

I appreciate it more than you can imagine... I pretty much get (and deal with) a lot of the things you talk about. I'm just not brave enough to talk about those things on here... I can barely admit them to myself. It'd just be me whining - and scaring people away - if I shared my sex related and relationship issues...

My T keeps telling me it's two steps forward and one step back... But it feels like one step forward, and two steps back since I started dealing with stuff in EMDR.

Damn, even when I start out trying to be positive, I end up whining and complaining.

 

[somerandomguy]

Compliment accepted :)

Some days it's two steps forward, one step back ... and some days it's one step forward, two steps back. But as long as there are more of the former days and fewer of the latter, it's OK. From what you've been posting, I have no doubt that you're getting better. Just more slowly that you'd like. But it's the same with all of us.

It's totally OK to not talk about sex and relationship issues here. For most people they are the most difficult things to talk about of all. I'm unusual in that I'm a complete blabbermouth with those things. Some days I wonder if that helps me or hurts me in the long run. In any case, I don't think I've scared that many people away by being so revealing. If anyone is scared away, that's OK. There of plenty of diaries I don't read because they trigger me, too.

And I don't think you're whining at all. All of this is really, really, really hard to type out in black and white.

 

[Chris-duck]

I agree with everything SRG said :)

And honestly, I think everyone kinda feels like they don't fit in, I've seen a bunch of people say that in their diaries, me included. So I think it's most likely a funPTSDperk, and doesn't necessarily reflect reality. I, personally, think you're doing good here and am glad you're around, although obviously not for the reasons you found us.

 

[PTSDGuy]

From what you've been posting, I have no doubt that you're getting better. Just more slowly that you'd like. But it's the same with all of us.

I'm just going to have to believe you.. It's really hard, because I instantly wanna reply, "Yeah, but what about ______?"... I spent most of my childhood not believing positive things happen to me... (Not that anything good did happen).... Refusing to accept positive things has become part of my DNA.

I've been thinking about my "Philosophy of Life" a lot lately, which is "Assume the worst will happen. If it doesn't, it's a plus." I might eventually need a new philosophy if I start noticing positives...

It's totally OK to not talk about sex and relationship issues here. For most people they are the most difficult things to talk about of all. I'm unusual in that I'm a complete blabbermouth with those things. Some days I wonder if that helps me or hurts me in the long run.

I'm not sure if it helps or hurts you, but your discussions about sex and relationships make me think about my own issues... So I think they definitely help me. So feel free to be a blabbermouth. ?

 

[PTSDGuy]

And honestly, I think everyone kinda feels like they don't fit in, I've seen a bunch of people say that in their diaries, me included. So I think it's most likely a funPTSDperk, and doesn't necessarily reflect reality. I, personally, think you're doing good here and am glad you're around, although obviously not for the reasons you found us.

Why do people have to be so nice? It'd be so much easier to just tell myself that everyone here is a jerk, and escape... Instead, you guys don't let me get away with not dealing with what I'm running from...

Of course, I don't know what I'm actually running from, but there was a movie in the 80's(?) called "I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can" - that's how I feel most of the time. I've spent my life escaping... but I can't keep doing that...

 

[Chris-duck]

Why do people have to be so nice? It'd be so much easier to just tell myself that everyone here is a jerk, and escape... Instead, you guys don't let me get away with not dealing with what I'm running from..

Haha, I know right, we're annoying like that :P I think the problem is that we're -all- running, so like we can try and run away from each other, but everyone else is running away too, so we're kinda followed with people being like "hey! why you running?! Let's talk!" :P

 

[PTSDGuy]

Haha, I know right, we're annoying like that :p I think the problem is that we're -all- running, so like we can try and run away from each other, but everyone else is running away too, so we're kinda followed with people being like "hey! why you running?! Let's talk!" :p

Now you did it - you made me laugh! ?

How can I feel different, when you and @somerandomguy understand what I'm feeling? My T keeps telling me all of the ways I react to my abuse is "by the book"... Between him and you guys, I'm being forced to deal with reality instead of always escaping...

Not that I can escape anyway - I have EMDR later today... I'm too tired to run... Maybe that's a good thing...

 

[PTSDGuy]

Another day, another horrifying flashback...

EMDR is going to kill me yet... I'm getting used to daily flashbacks - they're usually bad, but not as bad as these.... The last two times we've worked on stuff in EMDR, a few hours later, I end up with flashbacks that are worse than anything I've remembered so far.

Nothing like suddenly being an 8 year old again, being in the bathroom closet trying to disappear by covering myself in towels, shoes, a vacuum cleaner and more in the dark trying to make myself invisible... and feeling like you're about to be raped and killed.
Then being dragged out of a bathroom closet, dragged by one arm down a hallway and then shoved down on my parents' bed and raped. With lots of horrifying details until I'm suddenly a kid on the ceiling looking down on it all.

And then remembering him telling me he was going to kill me. A six foot three, 200 pound cop - with his police revolver in the house - telling his 8 year old kid that he's raping that he's going to kill him. I always remembered escaping by being up on the ceiling, but now I get to see and feel why.

I hate the fact that after the flashbacks end, I always have this inner fight - the "rational" part of me that wants to tell myself that I must have invented it... and the other part that just knows it's true... and "true" wins every time... ?

Just typing this, I'm spacing out, hyperventilating, and on the verge of tears... Damn.

 

[somerandomguy]

What strategies do you have for coping in the moment. PTSDGuy?