Others respecting you...

[Friday]

Have you considered that most people might not be trying to "win"?

Just mentioning it because the only time I have come across that dynamic is with abusers and victims.

 

[Rani G2]

I will NOT argue with someone... I just went no contact with someone who would argue with a coat hanger.... so a hundred years from now, does it matter if you win or lose?

Ladee, haven't seen you around. Thanks for writing....

I would have massive difficulty being like that. There are definitely situations where fights are irrelevant.
As a kid, my mom told me that I use to hit other kids who punked me ( No, I am not proud about that, but there is a part of me that says “huh look you could fight back). It also comes from my family where everyone so damn proud of their high classed origin, other people are mostly less worth so show your power.

This is absolutely NOT healthy, and no sign of being confident.

 

[Rani G2]

Ladee, about the not arguing state, do you go home and keep on thinking about how you could've act differently? Or does that never take really place?

 

[Fadeaway]

I was reading recently that this is a common trait in Avoident personality disorder. I was surprised, but I think it makes sense. This thinking is one of the reasons i want to be evaluated for it.

 

[AnD]

I have this problem too. A lot at work. But outside of work too. And the fear of being punished or excluded causes anxiety.

This is probably a learnt behaviour for me. There was sometimes no point in saying no and stand up to myself because I was afraid of physical punishment and/or psychological abuse. And sometimes I was hurt in different ways for just being me or existing, which clashed with my sister's not spoken "rules"/likes/dislikes.

It is hard and it is making my work life miserable. I have no cure for it, but I will read the links. I also try to remember the original trauma that the situation reminds me of, I cry over it, and I try to think how I want to behave next time the situation arises.

Last time in therapy I tried something new, that was heartwarming. And I hope it will partly heal this issue. I asked my therapist to play herself as my mother. So I told her stuff my sister used to do to me and she said what she would have done in that situation. We did that for several memories. So that is a suggestion too. It made me feel worth more, created an understanding how wrong it was, made me age psychologically and much more.

Do you know what trauma(s) that might have created this feeling in you?

I wish you the very best.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I don't give a rats ass what others think of me. I used to, but not anymore. You don't like me, tough shit, I don't care. My best friend of 35 yrs doesn't speak to me anymore, because of a remark I made about the president. Ok, so go be friends with him, I don't care!!!!

I love to debate, but I won't defend my character. Either you like me or you don't.

 

[Rani G2]

Avoident personality disorder. I

Hey Fadeaway, never read about that. Thanks

AnD,

There was sometimes no point in saying no and stand up to myself because I was afraid of physical punishment and/or psychological abuse.

Yes, same issues here. So it is a coping mechanism. Choosing tactics to save my own self from being punished or judged.

love to debate, but I won't defend my character. Either you like me or you don't.

Once I will get there SheCat ;-) Mine is just another coping strategy.

 

[Mach123]

I find this hard to talk about because we have to use words. I used to say I think in pictures but I mean these are feelings so hard to discuss with words. Winning and losing is part of it but it's not that simple. Think of everything involved even in a casual interchange. I want to walk away with my self respect too, but need you to like me.

 

[Rani G2]

Mach123 ,

yes. Translation of emotions into words is probably not easy, yes Mach123! Get that! Maybe our childhood conditioning, internalization of a parent's critical voice, building up coping methods to somehow stay sane in a family that has gone insane, and an environment that was just interested in its own needs.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Mach123 Why is it important for people to like you??? Doesn't that mean that in the end you sacrifice your opinion, character, and you bend over to please them???? I did that for years, and the only thing I got was everything shoved up my ass and in the end I had no self respect....

 

[Mach123]

I learned how to be submissive I was taught through abuse. The problem is for me where does that leave me in the hierarchy? Well I'll tell you for me it's not good.

My wife and I fought for years and years over dominance. The war between the sexes. That's all it was. The situations were irrelevant.

Someone said earlier "maybe not everyone is trying to win" but if you're not, your trying to lose. These are all just words but IMO every interaction has an element of the "who is dominant here" in it.

I have no interest in winning but I am interested in functionality which is a kind of winning. I think you have to be aware of this to make it work and I think it operates at a non verbal level. If you look at the animal world it's all they're concerned with, not that the predator is in the bushes but their "standing" with the others.

 

[Mach123]

@Mach123 Why is it important for people to like you??? Doesn't that mean that in th...

I really can't answer but that's what we are talking about kinda? I feel like my mom just yelled at me lol. Also some of the terms you used were unfortunate, probably appropriate but indelicate. (so now we are doing it see?)